A Mighty Change of Heart
Keynote Address delivered by Rich Wyler, Friday, September 21, 2007 at the 17th Annual Evergreen Conference
Executive Summary by Rich Wyler
A longer version is also available.
In his keynote address at the Evergreen Conference Sept. 21, Rich Wyler emphasized the reality of change.
“The stories of dramatic conversion that we read about in the scriptures are not simply about a change in behavior, but a mighty change of heart…. I believe in an approach that is not about merely resisting temptation–as important as that it–but actual change of the condition…. Not just treating SSA as our ‘cross to bear,’ but truly having ‘no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.’” (Mosiah 5:2)
While he quoted scriptures on repentance, peace, forgiveness and experiencing a mighty change of heart, he noted, “I haven’t found a scripture that promises you heterosexuality in this life. While many people can and do experience a shift to heterosexual attractions, that is not necessary in order to experience successful ‘change’ and to have happiness in this life.”
“Most of the time, whether consciously or not, those pursuing change are not really after heterosexuality as much as they’re simply after peace and happiness, or personal fulfillment, in a way that is congruent with their values, beliefs and life goals.”
Peace, especially the peace that comes from living in alignment with God’s will, should be the real goal, he said. Pursuit of heterosexuality may be a means to that end, but it cannot be an end in itself.
“I always tell the men I work with: In doing this work, we have no way of knowing in advance how completely your same-sex attractions will subside. We have no way of knowing for sure what degree of opposite-sex attractions will ultimately emerge. But if you do this work sincerely, I CAN promise you three things:
1. “You will gain sexual sobriety, or the ability to joyfully live the Law of Chastity.
2. “You will experience increased brotherly love and masculine connection.
3. “And you experience peace, joy and personal fulfillment–the kind of peace and joy that can only come from aligning your heart with God’s will.”
“As they experience these changes in their lives, most people experience a significant decrease in same-sex attractions and a meaningful increase in opposite-sex desires. But these sexual shifts may actually be a byproduct of these other changes–sexual sobriety, masculinity and brotherly love, and peace and joy.”
He summarized the process of change from unwanted SSA in this way:
“Change is possible by: (1) healing buried emotional pain, (2) authentically meeting core needs for love, acceptance and secure gender attachment, and (3) and surrendering the rest.
“This word ‘surrender’ I borrow from the Twelve Step traditions of programs like Alcoholics Anonymous and Sexaholics Anonymous, but LDS audiences will be more familiar with the concept of ‘yielding our hearts to God.’”
Helaman 3: 35: Nevertheless they did…wax…firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God.
Wyler summarized the process of change as a two part equation:
“First, are the core needs that you need to fulfill–especially the needs for love, acceptance, affirmation and masculine connection for men, or feminine connection for women. The things you need more of in your life, in healthy, platonic, emotionally-nurturing ways. This is all that is positive within the same-sex attraction.
“Now you might be saying, positive? How could there be anything positive about same-sex attraction? At the root of it, it is a positive drive. There is within it a healing intent–to get you more connected to your own gender; to have you experience authentic brotherly love and male community; to have you feel a father’s love and a peer group’s inclusion; to love and be loved. All of these are positive, healing needs that the SSA, at its root, is calling you to fulfill. I want you to discover and fulfill all that is positive within the SSA.
“The second part of this two-part equation is all the things you need to surrender, release, or let go. This is all that is negative or destructive about the SSA–the lust, the shame, the self-destructive cycles, and the gender confusion. Things you need to surrender might include a gay identity, resistance to change, anger, hurt, or resentment.
“So the two parts are to discover and fulfill the authentic, underlying needs that are a positive drive and have a healing intent… And to surrender the lust and other negative, self-destructive patterns. In the simplest of terms: add more of the good; surrender all of the bad.
“I believe that when people get stuck in their change efforts, it is frequently because they’ve got the equation totally backwards. They are suppressing their authentic needs, which they ought to be fulfilling… and they are acting on their self-destructive lusts, which they ought to be surrendering. They are acting on the bad and suppressing the good. They need to turn the whole process upside down.”
Wyler said surrender may be understood first by what it is not. “It is not suppression. It is not willpower, nor self-control, swearing that we will never do it again (whatever ‘it’ is). It is not white-knuckled resistance. Rather, surrender is letting go. It is choosing to release specific obstacles–whatever is holding you back and hurting you.
“When we talk of surrender, we mean, first and foremost, the yielding of our own self-will to a God. It is the essential experience of submitting to and trusting in the Divine Will–living for something better or nobler than one's own selfish pleasure.
For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, … unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father. (Mosiah 3:19)
“True surrender requires us to release anything from our lives that prevents change from happening–any place, person, relationship, group, practice, habit, defense, idea, belief, way of being–anything. To surrender is to let go of ideas, prejudices, defenses, old resentments, and behaviors that block change.”
Rich Wyler
is the founder and executive
director of People Can Change (www.peoplecanchange.com), a non-profit
organization of men who have overcome unwanted same-sex attractions who now
support others seeking similar change. He is also a co-creator and leader of its
experiential-healing weekend called “Journey Into
Manhood”(see www.peoplecanchange.com/JIM_announce.htm) a program that has had a
life-changing impact on hundreds of men from a dozen nations since he started it
in 2002.
He is a personal life coach (see www.higherpathcoaching.com) who works with
clients around the globe who are working to overcome unwanted same-sex
attraction or sexual addictions, as well as their family members.