Why Support Groups?

by Jason Park

Most people find support groups to be very helpful. A support group should be a safe and confidential place where you can come to know that you are not the only one with homosexual problems. No one will say, "You’re dealing with what?" It is a place to find encouragement from other men who are working to resolve the same problems you are, and that helps reduce your feelings of being alone, different, and isolated. This section discusses the purpose of support groups and tells you what to look for in choosing one. It then discusses how to support each other in a group and the need for spirituality and safety. Finally, it explains how specialized support groups, such as sports programs, can be helpful.

A support group is not a social club and should be viewed as short-term way to help you grow and be accountable. Joe Dallas writes that the function of a support group is to "provide a safe, godly environment where people can openly discuss their homosexual struggles; learn from the experiences of others who’ve gone through similar struggles; be accountable to a group of Christians who are genuinely concerned; and know they have friends who are regularly praying for them, available to them, and rooting for them."¹

A support group is about helping others. In the beginning, you attend to help yourself, but you soon discover that you find the help you need when you extend help to others. When you begin to care more about their needs than your own, you find yourself healed in the process.

Support groups emphasize dialogue as a way of learning to openly and clearly deal with issues that are at the root of feelings of homosexual attractions. As you listen to each other, perhaps for the first time you will listen to yourself. The typical newcomer sits and listens, and about half way through the discussion realizes he has finally found people who think and feel like he does. When he recognizes that he is safe and can trust the group, he begins to open up and the healing process of sharing begins. He discovers that even when others know all about him, they still accept him. Once the fear of rejection is gone, he finds that he has the courage to relate to men in the group and eventually to men outside the group. Support groups can help you by providing:

• a safe environment where you can face your problems.
• feedback, insight, and practical ideas from men who have experienced the same things you experience.
• a place to begin to build healthy relationships with other men.
• interpersonal experiences in validation, love, and friendship.
• direction, vision, goals, and encouragement to continue when it is difficult.
• accountability for your actions.
• positive experiences to offset the effects of negative peer pressure.
• reduction of your sense of isolation.
• understanding, empathy, and acceptance from other men.
• encouragement to continue through the lengthy process.

A support group will not solve all your problems; it has no magical "cure" for homosexual problems. Participating in a support group is one of the many things you may need to do. Some men get a false sense of security by participating in a support group and when it doesn’t solve all their problems they may feel frustrated and lose hope that change is possible.

A support group in moderation can be valuable for support and understanding, but in excess, it can prolong and heighten your old identity. The support group should never take the place of the Church, your priesthood quorum, or a normal social life; it is only a short-term supplement.

While your relationships with men in the group will be very fulfilling, they will not be all you need. The support group can be unhealthy if its members only interact with the other members of the group. In a sense, it can become a nonsexual "gay" community. If you live from meeting to meeting because it is your only social interaction, you need to actively pursue relationships with men outside the group at work, in your quorum, and in other male groups. It is when you experience the love and acceptance of men who do not have homosexual problems that you really start to recognize your true worth. Those friendships will be the most rewarding and healing.

In addition to a support group, many men need individual and group therapy. Sometimes support groups can actually do more harm than good if the person is not also seeing a therapist individually to help him correctly process the things he experiences and feels so they can contribute to his growth. If you have addictions, you may also need the help of a twelve-step program like Homosexuals Anonymous or Sexaholics Anonymous (see the Organizations section).

President Boyd K. Packer gives the following counsel and warning: "There are groups of many kinds which seek to fortify those struggling to withdraw from drug addiction or to master other temptations. On the other hand, there are organizations which do just the opposite. They justify immoral conduct and bind the chains of addiction or perversion ever tighter. Do not affiliate with such an organization. If you have already, withdraw from it."² Some organizations exist to give support and love, but do not seek to help the person find ways to overcome homosexual behavior. These organizations do more harm than good because they help the person justify his behavior and, as President Packer stated, "bind the chains of addiction or perversion ever tighter." Some organizations believe they know more about the homosexual condition than the Church leaders and they plead with them to change Church policies to be more sympathetic to those who have homosexual feelings. They use the scriptures in an attempt to justify the expression of homosexual feelings. The Apostle Paul condemned those who seek to justify homosexual behavior saying that they "changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshiped and served the creature more than the Creator" (see Romans 1:25–32). Beware of the subtle craftiness of such groups.

Before you choose a support group, get a copy of their written literature and read the group’s mission statement. (If they don’t have one, they likely have not defined their purpose well enough for it to be a healthy environment.) Does the group support the doctrines of the gospel, the scriptures, and the practices of the Church without reservation or exception? If the group has any reservation or finds any exception, it is on shaky ground. Do they teach that change is possible? Does the group inspire respect for the individual and promote personal growth? Does the group have written policies to protect participants in their vulnerabilities and provide a safe environment? Does the program support total abstinence of sexual behavior outside of marriage? This kind of sobriety can be attained through sharing experience, strength, and hope at group meetings. The group is on dangerous ground if it seeks to justify any homosexual behavior. Does the group function according to the written statements?

Evergreen International is an umbrella organization that can help you find support groups that follow the criteria discussed above. Evergreen can refer you to a local support group or therapist. In addition to support groups for men and women who struggle with homosexual attraction, there are groups for their spouses, family, and friends. The organization also publishes manuals and newsletters, sells books by mail, and sponsors conferences. It provides education and resources to family and friends, professional counselors, religious leaders, and all others who wish to help individuals who desire to change. You may call or write for a list of publications or information on a support group near you. If there is no support group in your area, Evergreen can tell you how to start one.

Evergreen began in the summer of 1989 in Salt Lake City, Utah, when a group of eleven men met to organize a support group. Believing that homosexual practices are not in keeping with the gospel of Christ, these men were frustrated with their experience with other organizations. They concluded there must be a solution other than destroying spiritual beliefs or denying sexual longings. They drew on information from Christian ministries in other parts of the country that had been helping men and women resolve their homosexual problems for more than thirty years.³ From these small beginnings, Evergreen International has grown into a network of referral and educational services for men and women throughout the world.

The first step in joining a support group is to make the phone call to the group leader. He will generally want to talk with you before you attend a group meeting to determine your sincerity and readiness to participate with the group. He will explain to you the format and rules of safety and confidentiality that are critical to the success of the group. When you first attend a support group, you will likely go through the following stages:

Fear and anticipation. You may have a number of fears and concerns as you attend your first meeting. Will the other men accept me? Will I be able to open up to them? Will I be attracted to someone there? These are legitimate fears that are common to nearly everyone.

Sense of relief. Although your first meeting can be frightening, you will soon find that it is easy to make friends because people are there to lend support. Most men report an enormous sense of relief to have found a group of LDS men who also struggle with attractions and are trying to find righteous solutions to their situations.

Curiosity and sharing. The next phase is one of learning all the new information that is available. You will become aware of many books with good ideas about the causes of your problems and their potential solutions. You will also have the chance to exchange ideas with others in the group and hear what has helped them to be successful.

Boundary testing. As you mature emotionally through your experience in the group, you will find yourself testing the boundaries to determine what is appropriate.

Disillusionment. After the initial excitement wears off, you may become disillusioned as you realize that the support group in itself will not solve all your problems and there is a lot of hard work ahead of you. This is the phase where some men drop out of the group in search of an easier answer.

Hard work. This is the phase where you settle in and do all the work.

Termination. Some men make the mistake of leaving a support group before they are ready and others remain much longer than is healthy. You may need the help of your therapist to determine when the time is right for you. If you are able to see your issues objectively, you will know when it is time to move out of the group. Be aware that sometimes group members panic when someone else is "graduating" and they may try to hold the person back for their needs and not for his. If you know it is time for you to move on, do it.

An open group is one where you can attend the group meetings whenever you like, as long as you agree to abide by the group’s rules. A closed group is one where the participants are identified and each makes a commitment to attend all meetings. Closed groups are more stable because people are not always entering and leaving. Because of this continuity, the participants are more dedicated and accountable to each other and they can make more progress.

The Bible exhorts us to bear one another’s burdens (see Galatians 6:1–2). We also read, "Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up" (Ecclesiastes 4:9–10).

The men in my support group were able to give me a lot of support and help. They understood my feelings and helped me find solutions to my problems. When I felt vulnerable, I called them and they talked me out of desires to act sexually. They were genuinely concerned about me and I was genuinely concerned about them. I relied on them many times. I never would have made it without the love and support I got from my friends who were always there when I needed them.

The following suggestions can help you have effective relationships in your group.

Be a consistent support to others in the group. Make attendance at the group meetings a matter of high priority. Consistency is very important both for your own progress and that of other participants.

Be honest with yourself. The controversial nature of homosexual problems encourages people to keep it hidden and festering. Many of us have felt that we were the only ones to have these feelings. Admitting a problem to yourself is the first step to recovery. The next step is to decide what you intend to do about it. What is your purpose in joining a support group? Do you really want to overcome evil thoughts and behaviors or are you just looking for justification of your incorrect ways?

Be honest with others in your group. Admitting your problems to others in the group can help relieve feelings of isolation. As you openly explore your feelings in regular meetings, you can get much needed support from those who have experienced or who still experience struggles, and you can acquire a sense of accountability to each other. The group will teach you how to disclose and be honest with others in the group. It is not easy to disclose things that are deeply disturbing and personal, but it is the first step in healing. You will discover that there is no need to lie to others in the group or cover up the way you feel about things. They will understand your troubles and be willing to share with you the solutions they have found. By asking a lot of questions, or even just by listening quietly to what others say, you will begin to understand how this process works.

Confront and challenge other group members. Sexual activity thrives in secret and the group can be a place to bring it into the light. Group members can confront each other kindly and respectfully when they see rationalization or denial. In the beginning, this kind of total honesty can be difficult, but if you are sincere in your desire to make changes in your life, you will welcome it.

Respect the rights of others. Respect the right of others to have opinions different from yours. No one should ridicule or belittle another participant, even jokingly, nor should they be judgmental or critical of others or their situation. Like you, they are struggling through difficult circumstances.

Recognize that group members are on different levels. One night in the group meeting, Bill talked about the group and the way we did and did not support each other. He had felt at times that the group brought him down. For example, when he slipped up once he almost felt a cheer from us. He felt us say ‘Hurray! Bill is human.’ Although we didn’t want him to fail, that was the message he felt. At times, I felt like I want to be on the same level as the other guys. As strange as this sounds, there were times I felt I wanted to be as messed up as Alan so I could feel I fit in completely. It is important to recognize that each member of the group is on a different level and that is okay as long as each works and progresses from where he is.

Give equal time. Don’t dominate the discussion time, but allow others the chance to express themselves as well. Allow equal time even to those who appear not to want to talk. You have a responsibility to help them feel comfortable and bring them out of their silence.

Invite the spirit to every meeting. Although the meetings don’t need to be somber, they should have a tone of respect for each other, for the difficulty of the process of change, and for the power of the Spirit that is essential to guide you through the process. Every meeting should begin and end with prayer. Watch your conversations so they don’t drive the spirit away.

Avoid inappropriate conversations. Share your feelings and experiences with others, but don’t give graphic details of sexual activities or divulge locations where sex or pornography is available. Don’t assume that everyone knows what you know, but spare them from temptations by not divulging such information. Profanity has no place in the meetings. It is also important to keep conversations about other men positive and not let the discussions become a pity party where you devalue other men, but instead encourage each other to get out and build relationships with other men.

Help others recognize and develop feelings of self-worth. Group members should be positive and build each other up and encourage each other in righteousness. Help others see their value as individuals. Always be watching out for others and when it appears they need extra help, do all you can to include them and help them feel a part of the group. In addition to acts of kindness, tell them you love them and appreciate their friendship. Help them see their friendship is of great value to you.

Move to deeper levels of conversation. It is usually easy to talk about surface-level things like the weather, school, work, politics, and other knowledge-based things. Although a certain amount of this kind of conversation is necessary to build a relationship, be sure that you soon move from the knowledge area to feelings. It is when you begin talking about your feelings and emotional reactions to things that you move into the areas that will be the most beneficial.

Be accountable to each other. Group members should hold each other accountable by asking each member to report on their progress each week. During the week, you may want to organize a buddy system so that when you are tempted to do something inappropriate, you have a buddy you can call to help.

Be wise in your activities with other participants. Don’t participate in activities that cause you to be vulnerable, which may arouse homosexual feelings, or include any degree of physical intimacy with other men. Avoid campiness (acting "gay") and inappropriate jokes or innuendo. Behave with them the way you would with men who do not experience homosexual attractions. Don’t spend excessive time with any one participant to protect yourself from emotional dependency or from the possibility of physical intimacy. Limit the time you spend with group members. Spending excessive time with them limits your time to associate with men from outside the group, and you should give top priority to those relationships.

Relationships with men in the group. You will develop strong relationships with other men in the group and although you will have a lot of clean, wholesome fun, remember that the support group is not a social club. Your purpose in the group is to learn how to relate in wholesome ways so you will have the confidence to relate with other men at work and at church. While the group is a safe place to learn to relate to each other, it should not be the ultimate goal. You should work on making your primary relationships with men outside the group.

Relationships with men outside the group. When you disclose your "dark secrets" to other men in the group, you find that they still love and accept you. And although this love and acceptance will be meaningful, the voice of the Adversary will whisper, "Of course they love you, because they are attracted to men themselves." Your next step will be to reach out into the mainstream world and discover that love and acceptance is available there as well. Someone else needs to be allowed into the deepest levels of your life. That doesn’t necessarily mean that they need to know all about your attractions, but you need to open up and let them in.

For additional guidelines on creating an environment of support, you may read the book Group Techniques by Gerald Corey.

Confidentiality and anonymity

Many men who have homosexual attractions have chosen not to disclose such to others outside the group and could be deeply hurt by the release of information about their situation. In some cases, even spouses may not be aware of their husband’s participation in the group. Rules of confidentiality ensure privacy for individuals in the group. It is a safeguard of special significance to men who may hesitate to participate in an organization if they have any reason to believe that their homosexual problems could be revealed to others.

In addition to protecting the identities of fellow participants, it is vital to keep confidential what is said in the group. A helpful phrase to remember is: "What we say here stays here." Outside the meetings, don’t mention the people you saw or repeat the things you heard. One careless slip of the tongue overheard by someone else could have a devastating effect on a fellow participant. While this principle may be clear in theory, putting it into practice may not always be easy. The following general guidelines may be helpful:

Keep identities anonymous. Most groups have guidelines about using only first names and last initials.

Membership lists. Lists of names, telephone numbers, and addresses should be kept only when absolutely necessary. If you keep lists of members, guard them with strict care.

Return addresses on mailings. Most organizations associated with homosexuality do not include the name of the organization in the return address of mailings.

Telephone messages. When leaving messages, be careful not to identify the individual with any group or meeting or to inadvertently divulge information that may be revealing. Assume that the person who receives the message knows nothing about the individual’s involvement with any group. Be aware that some people pretend to know more than they actually do to get information from you, sometimes unintentionally (out of curiosity) and sometimes willfully (out of spite). Either case can be damaging. Since others may have access to the individual’s voice mail or e-mail, leave only the information you would give to a stranger.

The place of spirituality in group meetings

Because Christ’s atonement and the plan of salvation play an important role in the process of recovery, it is critical that you draw on gospel principles, quote from the scriptures and the Brethren, and incorporate all these into every aspect of your support group program. However, when engaging in gospel discussions, be sure to stay away from the myths and on solid doctrinal ground. It is entirely appropriate in an LDS group to support each another by sharing testimonies, praying for each other, encouraging each other in righteousness, and attending the temple together. "Therefore, strengthen your brethren in all your conversation, in all your prayers, in all your exhortations, and in all your doings" (D&C 108:7). I have heard encouraging stories from groups about spiritual experiences that have had a profound influence on their growth and recovery. If your group is not having similar experiences, evaluate your activities and plan for ways to invite the Spirit into all you do.

Be careful that you do not confuse priesthood responsibility. When a person needs particular strength or comfort or enters a leadership position in the organization, he may go to his father or priesthood leader and ask for a priesthood blessing. If a participant cannot turn to his father or a priesthood leader, friends can help. However, be careful about the exercise of priesthood ordinances within the group. The group is not the Church and should never become a substitute for the priesthood quorum. You can benefit greatly from relationships you develop within your priesthood quorum, so rely more on quorum members, priesthood leaders, home teachers, and your father. The support group’s programs should be temporary and point you back to your priesthood quorum and leaders for support and fellowship.

One evening at our support group meeting, two women came by invitation. One was previously married to a man with homosexual problems and wanted to understand him better and know what to do to support him. The other had a brother who died the previous week of AIDS and wanted to find a measure of peace about his death. They were both anxious to learn and understand, and part way through the meeting one of them began to cry because the Spirit was so strong. She said she was overwhelmed by being in a group of LDS men who believed they could overcome their problems and were trying desperately to do so.

Support groups for individuals with homosexual attraction have an inherent risk—the ever-present danger that participants could become involved with each other sexually. This is why it is of primary importance to have controls in place to make the environment safe. Getting the men together in a support group provides opportunities for growth and the development of relationships which is the key to resolving the attractions, but at the same time, the risks need to be carefully monitored and controlled. It is critical to the success of the group to establish and enforce policies of safety and confidentiality. There should be strict rules of no sexual or seductive conduct with other members of the group. Absolutely none. Never.

Safety boundaries

In addition to the safety rules of the group, it is important to establish personal boundaries. While the group process is helpful, it can also open you to dangers you need to manage. In the group setting, you experience emotional intimacy with other men on levels that perhaps you have not experienced before. Although you do not talk about sexual details, the fact that you discuss sexual problems may put you in a vulnerable state. If your discussions open up old wounds, you may experience anxiety or hurt and be tempted to revert to old patterns of behavior to relieve the pain. Since each person in the group discusses his area of vulnerability, others can wittingly or unwittingly take advantage. Therefore, boundaries must be established for the protection of everyone in the group. These external controls are safeguards during your period of growth to prevent you from responding to situations in unhealthy ways.

You will likely need to set personal boundaries on what you will and will not do after the meeting. When my friend Randy first joined his support group, he was so relieved to find other men with similar goals, that he didn’t want to go home after the meetings ended. He would stay in the parking lot talking with his newfound friends for hours. He also discovered he was vulnerable during these late-night chats alone with other men, and sometimes found himself getting intimate with one man. He quickly had to set boundaries to stay out of trouble and committed never to be alone with another man because he knew there was safety in numbers. He also set for himself a limit of thirty minutes after the meeting, at which time he would get in his car and go home. He found that from 9:00 to 11:00 p.m. after the meeting he could undo all the good he did from 7:00 to 9:00 p.m. in the meeting. Go home while you are still on a high so you can continue to think through new ideas and keep positive thoughts on your mind. Keep the momentum going and don’t lessen the experience with something less uplifting.

If two members of the group car pool to the meetings, it may be a good idea to hold them accountable each week for the time they were alone together. When they arrive at the meeting, ask them how the drive went, and before they leave after the meeting, ask them if they feel they are vulnerable and what they intend to do about it.

For many people entering a support group, boundaries are nebulous, and while there is room for growth, there is also the potential for sexual problems if it is not managed properly. Watch for people who cross boundaries or don’t set boundaries. Challenge people to look at how they respect themselves, how they set boundaries, and how they maintain integrity for themselves.

An incident of sexual activity among group members brings serious personal consequences and weakens the group as a whole. Are you a highly committed person with a deep addiction, or a person who keeps acting out because you are ambivalent about the healing process? The group can tolerate a motivated participant who is sincerely trying to overcome an addiction, but not one who is just playing games.

The following are warning signs of sexual activity: seductive behavior, needing undue attention, not willing to work on their own issues, challenging authority, playing the role of the helpless victim, inside jokes, rebellion, resistance, not willing to follow rules regardless of their prior agreement to them, paranoia about being watched, and avoiding another participant (may indicate shame because of sexual involvement). Those who are isolated and not involved with others may be especially vulnerable.

When group leaders suspect problems, they should confront those involved to determine if there are problems. Such confrontation should not be accusatory, but in a spirit of concern for their welfare and a desire to help them grow beyond any problems. This can be a good learning opportunity for those who may not know how to interact with each other socially in appropriate ways.

If sexual activities occur, group leaders should intervene immediately since sexual activity can quickly destroy the unity of the group. The leaders should confront those involved and discuss the occurrence to help them understand what led to the behavior and to set in place precautions to avoid a recurrence. The leaders should help them understand the consequence and responsibility of what they have done. If sexual activity continues, those involved should be asked not to participate in the group. When a participant is removed from the group, the ultimate goal is restoration. He should not be told that he isn’t wanted in the group, but that he needs more individual counseling before he is ready for the group setting.

"Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted" (Galatians 6:1).

If a leader falls, he should step down from his leadership position immediately so he does not bring the rest of the group down, and also to relieve him of the burden of leadership so he can concentrate on his own problems.

Sports programs

In addition to the conventional support groups, you may find an experiential group helpful. Experiential groups exist to provide you a specific experience. Men’s groups of various kinds hold retreats and provide opportunities for men to experience rites of passage that may have been missed. A common type of experiential group is a sports program that teaches basic skills in basketball, softball, or another sport, and provides opportunities to play the sport. Participants learn how to function on a team and have the chance to work through defensive detachment and face and resolve their fear of the sport. For many men in the group, sports may have been one of the things that separated them from other boys. Participation in a sports program can help you:

Ë learn the rules of the sport and through practice gain a certain level of skill. These skills can improve his ability to relate to and father his own children.

Ë learn teamwork by playing with other men.

Ë experience friendly competition in a team sport.

Ë develop a healthier body image and increase feelings of self-worth.

Ë face and resolve old fears and feelings of rejection and feel accepted as a member of a team of men.

I enjoy individual sports such as weight lifting and running, and have even played competitive, nonteam sports like racquetball. But I always feared team sports. The first time I showed up at an experiential group basketball practice, I froze in the hallway when I heard the balls bouncing inside the gym. However, when I finally got the courage to go in, I found the other guys were just as uncoordinated and fearful as I was. I found it was a nonjudgmental environment where I could learn the rules of basketball and enjoy playing the game with other guys. Participating in the sports program really built my feelings of self-worth. My lack of skill in sports had been a reason for me to distance myself from other men, but with a little practice I found I was actually a good basketball player, and then had the confidence to play on the ward basketball team.

The next season was softball, and I had greater fears. Even though I actually enjoyed basketball, I dreaded the thoughts of softball because it brought back old feelings of ridicule that I experienced on the ball field in elementary school. I wrote the following essay after my first softball practice in the sports program.

Take Me Out of the Ball Game

"The last time I was on a softball field was in the third grade, when we occasionally played softball for physical exercise. When they chose up teams, I was always the last to be chosen (even after the girls!). I always played outfield, because out there no one expected you to actually catch the ball or to be able to throw it all the way to the infield. In the batting lineup, I would say that I had already batted and continually slip to the end of the line.

"Now I am thirty-five years old and I can do anything I want— except play softball. And it still separates me from other men. I don’t care to become very good at softball; I just want to feel comfortable enough to join in an occasional game. So I determined that I would be at the first Saturday practice. After all, with basketball I found that I actually knew most of the rules of the game, and with some practice I wasn’t a bad shot. By the end of the season, I could mix it up with the best of them. Now, why couldn’t I do the same with softball? Besides, most of the guys learning softball were the same klutzes I had played basketball with.

"I showed up in the parking lot with my brand new Dale Murphy Rawlings mitt. How was I to know that you’re supposed to oil down a new mitt before you use it? I didn’t even bring a baseball cap. How can I act like I know what I’m doing without a baseball cap? And besides, where’s Buzz? He played little league, so he’ll know what to do. I need him! I got nervous and turned back to get something I suddenly ‘remembered I had left in the car.’ I met Buzz halfway back, and my confidence waxed strong again.

"Buzz and I picked up a softball and threw it back and forth. He showed me how to hold the ball and how to throw. Now that wasn’t so hard. I even caught almost every throw. The group then gathered for introductions and a little stretching, then the inevitable decree, ‘All those who want to play a game go over there. And everyone else comes over here.’ Of twenty-five guys, I was the only one to ‘come over here.’ I didn’t intend to play a game that day. I just wanted to practice throwing and batting, and learn some of the rules of the game. The coach gave me a few more pointers and we threw for a minute until he had to coach the game. I found a spot on the bleachers and watched my friends bat and run the bases. And everyone cheered. My mind went back to grade school, and suddenly I was a fat, uncoordinated little boy again. I was up to bat and the pressure was on to perform. Everyone was counting on me. And everyone knew I would fail. Why does it matter if you hit a ball with a stick or if you miss? With a few swings of the bat I would be a hero or a felon. Self-images are created and destroyed so easily. For some reason, softball represented all the negative experiences I had as a child. It reminded me how I felt as a fat, clumsy boy trying to fit in with the crowd. It represented peer pressure and inadequacy. And the tears came freely. Thank heavens for sunglasses. But soon the sunglasses couldn’t hide the tears that were streaming down my face and I had to leave. I found a shady spot under a tree about a hundred yards away where I could still see and hear the game. It was safer there. I could see them but they couldn’t see me. And no one could see me cry.

"Before long, Buzz found me and I cried on his shoulder. He reminded me how I started basketball without any experience and ended up doing well and how softball could be the same. He reminded me that courage is not the absence of fear, but acting in spite of fear. As I left the field that day, the immature side of me said, ‘Never set foot on this field again. You don’t have to go through this humiliation.’ But the side of me that wants to grow assured me that I had to face my fears head-on. I have something at stake. My four-year-old son plays t-ball on a community team and I am scared to play catch with him. (As I write this, I am overcome with emotion that a thirty-five-year-old father would be scared to play catch with his four-year-old son.) It won’t be easy to show up for practice next Saturday. The fears won’t be gone, and the tears will probably be near the surface again. But it’s something I have to do. And if it does not kill me, it will make me stronger.

"The next Friday, my friend Buzz took me to the batting cages to learn how to bat. He showed me how to hold the bat, how to stand, and how to swing. We were both surprised at how well I did. I missed only a half dozen out of fifty pitches! All it took was a little time and encouragement to give me the confidence I needed to go to the next practice.

"The next Saturday practice was a good experience. Since Buzz had helped me the day before, I went up to bat with confidence. The coach helped me in a kind way without being condescending. In the practice, I hit my five balls with only seven pitches. We then played a short game, and I hit both times I was at bat! After the practice, Andy talked with me about my fears of softball. He had only seen the confident side of me and was glad to see that I had fears and doubts and hesitations like everyone else. He admitted that although he feels comfortable about softball, he is scared to think about playing basketball. Since I feel comfortable with basketball, I promised to help him when basketball season comes. As I think back on what Buzz did to help me with softball, it is surprising what little it took to get me through what I viewed as an insurmountable fear. All it took from Buzz was a little time and concern for me to feel comfortable to show up at practices and now I can do the same to help Andy."

Endnotes:

1. Desires in Conflict: Answering the Struggle for Sexual Identity, Joe Dallas, Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR, 1991, pp. 262–63.

2. “Covenants,” Boyd K. Packer, Ensign, Nov. 1990, p. 86.

3. For more information on these Christian groups, see the Organizations section in this book. For an objective review of Christian ministries, see “Coming Out,” Tim Stafford, Christianity Today, 18 Aug. 1989, pp. 16–21.

Copyright © 1996 by Century Publishing, PO Box 11307, Salt Lake City, UT 84147. This document may be duplicated and shared electronically for personal use as long as it is copied in its entirety. This notice must appear on all copies. You may reach the author at jasonpark@centurypubl.com
 

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