How to Talk About Same-sex Attraction

by Jason Park

The words we use are important, and if we want to build bridges of understanding to others, we should choose our words carefully. There are enough barriers in proclaiming the message that same-sex attraction can be overcome without us adding more with the careless or ignorant use of words. This primer is an attempt to help us speak in ways that can be understood by individuals, families, Church leaders, and others.

Same-sex attraction, same-gender attraction, and homosexuality

The psychological community uses the term homosexuality to refer to the entire complex that includes attractions, feelings, desires, sexual behavior, identity, and all its associated aspects, such as problems with masculinity, self-perception, emotional dependencies, and relationship issues.

We prefer to use the terms same-sex attraction (SSA) or same-gender attraction (SGA), which are used synonymously, to avoid the clinical and psychiatric baggage and misunderstandings that may come by using the term homosexuality. A person who experiences same-sex attraction or same-gender attraction may experience

• intense attractions (which may or may not be sexual or erotic) without sexual behavior or
• complete emotional and sexual involvement.

Don't jump to the conclusion that a person with SSA is involved in sexual behavior. Be careful and specific when referring to same-sex attraction or homosexual behavior.

Homosexual, gay, lesbian

The term homosexual is a clinical term and may be offensive when used as a noun to identify individuals (both those who are trying to overcome same-sex attraction as well as those who embrace a gay identity). Homosexual may appropriately be used as an adjective, such as homosexual behavior.

The terms gay (referring to men) and lesbian (referring to women) are perfectly acceptable nouns and adjectives to use when referring to people who identify themselves as gay and lesbian. These terms refer not only to personal feelings and behaviors, but they also describe a political, cultural, and social identity. There is usually no need to use adjectives such as admitted gay, confirmed gay, or avowed gay. Such may be considered offensive and are typically not necessary. It should go without saying that terms such as fag, queer, dyke, les, lesbo, faggot, and homo are offensive and should not be used, even if a person refers to him/herself with the term.

People who experience same-sex attraction, but have not accepted a gay or lesbian identity, usually do not like to be referred to by the terms gay or lesbian. Refer to them as a man or woman with same-sex attraction or who experiences same-sex attraction.

Gay lifestyle

A number of years ago, people would commonly refer to the gay lifestyle or being in the lifestyle. Today, such phrases are seldom used in the gay and lesbian community, and are often seen as offensive. Accordingly, we recommend that they not be used. Examples of possible alternatives include: He is gay. She is openly lesbian. He is very involved in the gay community.

The Question of Choice

The vast majority of people who experience same-sex-attraction did not consciously choose these attractions. The word choice should only be used if a person has stated a conscious decision to be gay. Appropriate examples:

She chose to identify herself as lesbian because of her feminist beliefs.
She chose to act on her feelings of same-sex attraction.
He chose to have sex with other men.

Ex-Gay

This term is used within Christian ministries. The difficulty with it is that it means quite different things to different people. For example, some assume it means a person who was completely gay and who is now completely straight. To others, it means a person who experiences same-sex attraction but has decided to not act on those attractions nor identify him/herself as gay. We don't recommend the use of this term.

The use of quotation marks around words

Quotation marks are sometimes put around words to cast doubt on their accuracy or reality. For example, consider the following sentence:

Since the early first century, "Christians" have been persecuting others.

The quotation marks give the sense that true followers of Christ would not persecute others, and therefore the people referred to must be pseudo-Christians. In a similar way, putting quotation marks around the word "gay" implies that someone is not really gay. Putting quotation marks around the word "partner" implies that the person in question is not really a partner, or is somehow pretending to be a partner. This is offensive and does not show respect for others. We recommend that quotation marks be used carefully.

 

Some ideas in this section were adapted from “Words as Bridges, Words as Barriers: A primer on talking about sexual orientation” by New Directions, Canada.

Copyright © 2003 by Century Publishing, PO Box 11307, Salt Lake City, UT 84147. This document may be duplicated and shared electronically for personal use as long as it is copied in its entirety. This notice must appear on all copies. You may reach the author at jasonpark@centurypubl.com
 

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