Andria L. Sigler-Smalz is a Clinical
Pastoral Counselor and the founder and Director of Journey Christian
Ministries. Her ministry is located in Lake Elsinore, California, where she
also makes her home with her husband and son. She specializes in
Christian-oriented therapy for individuals distressed by a conflict between
their lifestyle and values.
During her 14-year career, Andria has worked with several hundred men and
women struggling with homosexuality, lesbianism, related lifestyle issues,
and substance abuse problems. She also counsels parents of high-risk
adolescents. Among her credentials. Andria counts her education, extensive
training, and personal life experience. She is a frequent speaker at
conferences and seminars, and has been interviewed by television, radio and
news media.
Recently, I was asked to critique an assessment tool used to measure change
among individuals who had utilized psychotherapy to move from homosexuality
to heterosexuality.
In the first draft of the assessment's interview form, the questions
appeared primarily oriented toward male homosexuals. Women responding to the
questions as formulated would have measured a higher degree of change than
actually achieved. The questions truly reflected an assumption that male and
female homosexuality are essentially the same, and simply involve
same-gender, physical and sexual attraction.
But while there may be etiological similarities in male and female
homosexuality, there are gender-specific differences in the nature of these
problems and in their outward manifestations. The gay community itself
recognizes these differences. For this reason, many women prefer to be
referred to as "lesbian" instead of "gay" or homosexual, and the popular
public service organization is called "The Gay and Lesbian Center."Characteristics of Lesbian Relationships
Recognizing that there are exceptions to the common psychodynamics, I
will briefly describe some of the distinct characteristics of female
homosexual relationships.
The first - reflecting a basic difference between men and women - is that
sex and sexual attraction are not necessarily key components of lesbian
relationships. In many instances, the role of sex is minor and occasionally,
non-existent. Instead, the physical activity more highly valued is holding
and affection. In the cases where sex is a critical component, it is because
of the emotional intimacy that it symbolizes. The propelling drive in the
lesbian relationship is the woman's same-sex emotional and nurturing
deficits, and these are generally not sexualized to the same degree as seen
in male homosexuality. For the female homosexual, "emotional attraction"
plays a more critical role than does sexual attraction.
Next, within these relationships there appears to be a capacity for
particularly strong attachment. However, a closer look reveals behaviors
that indicate a fragile relational bond ridden with fear and anxiety. Core
conflicts are evidenced in the recurrent themes of abandonment, engulfment,
control, and identity formation, and they are displayed in very specific and
noticeable ways.
Female relationships lean toward social exclusivity rather than inclusivity,
and it is not unusual for a lesbian couple to increasingly reduce contact
with family members and previous friends. This gradual withdrawal serves to
insure control, and protects against separateness and perceived threats to
their fragile bond.
Core conflicts are evidenced in recurrent themes related to identity
formation. For example, we see fears of abandonment and/or engulfment,
struggles involving power (or powerlessness) and control, and desires to
merge with another person to obtain a sense of security and significance.
While lesbian partnerships generally are of longer duration than male
relationships, they tend to be fraught with emotional intensity and held
together by the "glue" of jelousy, over-possessiveness and various
manipulative behaviors. During the course of the relationship, the "highs"
are very high, and the times of conflict, extreme. Excessive time together,
frequent telephoning, disproportionate card or gift-giving, hastily moving
in together or merging finances, are some of the ways separateness is
defended against. In such relationships, we see the counterfeit of healthy
attachment - that is, emotional dependency and over-enmeshment.
It is not uncommon for lesbian lovers to have a "can't live, if living is
without you" kind of feeling toward each other. A client once said to me, "I
don't know how I would live without her. Before she came into my life, I was
so empty. Now she is my life."
There is often a desperate quality to the emotional attraction in women that
struggle with lesbianism. One client, who recognized that her lesbian
relationships re-enacted her need for maternal love, explained to me, "When
I meet a woman that I feel drawn to, it is as if a place inside me is
saying, 'Will you be my mommy?' It is a compelling and powerful feeling, and
a helpless one. Suddenly I feel little. I want to be noticed by her, I want
to be special to her, and that takes over my mind."
Another client shared with me what it felt like during times of separation
from her lesbian girlfriend. She said, "I remember feeling this terrible
feeling - this gnawing, anxious feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. This
is the same feeling I had as a child whenever I had to be away from home, or
on a rare occasion I would attend a sleepover. The other girls would be
having a blast, but all I wanted was to be home. It was always so hard to
leave my mother."
Gender Identity and Lesbianism
What is easily observed among the lesbian population is a broad
divergence of gender traits and outward appearances. Just as there are
(paradoxically) heterosexually oriented women who are not "at ease" in their
femininity, so too, are there homosexually oriented women who enjoy being a
woman and are highly feminine in appearance. I say this to dispel common
thinking that a "boyish" appearance or the enjoyment of traditionally
non-feminine activities equals lesbianism.
Gender identity has to do with a woman's comfort with herself as a female
person, her level of ease in relating and identifying with other women, and
the extent of her freedom-of-choice regarding feminine-oriented activities.
Lesbianism is about a woman's same-gender preference for fulfillment of
unconscious psychological longings and her fear of intimate connection with
the opposite sex.
In lesbianism, a woman is developmentally "stuck" and therefore unable to
move forward into healthy heterosexuality. However, when and how healthy
development is thwarted would influence the degree of gender-identity
problems experienced.
Anti-Male Attitudes
Some lesbian women experience negative feelings and inner conflicts when
relating to men, and this contributes to their inability to embrace
heterosexuality. In addition, some strongly identify with radical feminism.
Women may be seen as gifted and desirable, while men are viewed as inferior,
sex-crazed and somewhat useless. Describing a scene of a man and woman with
their arms around one another at a baseball game, one lesbian client said,
"It was so disgusting. All I could think was, 'What does she see in him, and
how could she let him touch her!'"
It is not uncommon for those who have been involved in the lesbian lifestyle
for a long period of time, to increasingly experience an aversion to
heterosexual relating.
Treatment Considerations
In order to treat the lesbian client who desires to embrace the change
process, it is important to view her individually and to assess her as a
whole person. Most importantly, the therapist must assess her personality
organization. For example, does she have the separation-individuation
conflicts of a borderline, the fragile self-esteem of a narcissist, or the
attachment fears of a schizoid? Understanding the core conflicts will
provide the therapist with the meaning behind her behaviors. With this
information, it is possible to proceed utilizing appropriate interventions
for this particular client.
Also important to notice is the degree of the client's obsessive feelings,
thoughts and behaviors. The higher the compulsivity, the more anxiety and/or
depression may surface as the client begins to separate from her lesbian
partner or chooses not to "act out" their same-sex emotional attractions.
This is often the most difficult part of treatment and strongly resembles
the treatment required with a person struggling with substance addiction.
The gender of the therapist is critical; however, the lesbian client
typically handles that concern herself, as her emotional attraction guides
her to a woman therapist in the selection process. Over time, the client
will attempt to act out, with the therapist, the same themes she enacted
with her lesbian partners. For this reason, the therapist should demonstrate
a relational but boundaried style, and an ability to differentiate between
providing appropriate care and gratifying the client's wishes. Effective
utilization of the transference and counter-transference within the
client-therapist relationship will provide the most healing interventions.
The client's gender-identity issues should be understood by the therapist
prior to initiating discussion about them. Understanding the meaning behind
the client's personal appearance can help determine if and when this topic
will be approached. For example, as a child, did she "defensively detach"
from her mother as a way of protecting from further (real or perceived)
rejection? Are there some cultural influences? Is the client defending from
male advances due to past sexual abuse?
Other essential interventions may include spiritual support, monitoring of
depression, offering practical relationship skills, and encouraging the
client to cultivate a support system in addition to her therapy.
The duration of treatment is generally of a long-term nature, and may
benefit from two to three sessions per week, depending on the level of
functioning of the client. Therapists who travel frequently, who know in
advance they will not be able to continue the therapeutic relationship
(i.e., they plan to relocate or leave practice), or are experiencing their
own personal crises, should consider carefully before accepting such a
client. Therapist reliability and consistency are important elements in
treating the female homosexual.
Prognosis
As in treatment of any kind, success is dependent upon many factors. Some
of the factors are within the client's control - such as her motivation and
determination to change, her regular attendance at sessions, and her
cooperation with treatment. Other important factors determining rate of
success involve characteristics of the therapist. The therapist should be
capable of attachment, be well-differentiated, and have adequate skills and
experience, or at least qualified supervision. Other considerations for
prognosis include the client's age, history, personality organization and
overall functioning.
In my work with women, I have found change to be a slow arduous process.
However, the work contains its own rewards. It is always a privilege to
assist a client on her journey to becoming a healthier person and I often
find myself inspired by the determination of my clients.
Because the lesbian struggle is a symptom of a woman's inner pain and
conflicts, attaining the capacity for healthy same-sex relationships and
opposite-sex relating is a manifestation of inner healing and growth. Many
lesbian women who desire change will fully realize their goals. And even
those who are elsewhere on the "success continuum" will grow and change
through therapy, experiencing greater self-understanding and a sense of
personal wholeness.
© NARTH 2001
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