Shanna's Testimony

I hated blind dates, so when my friend called and asked me if I would go out with this guy she worked with, I was very reluctant. But after a lot of persuading, I finally agreed. When she told me he was a designer, my first question was “Is he gay”? Of course she said “No”! So I went… We saw each other every day for the next three weeks I felt like we had known each other our whole lives. We talked about everything and anything. He was the most gentle, caring and loving man I had ever met. Then he asked me to marry him. I went to the Lord in prayer many times that week and always got the same answer: This was to be my eternal companion! Layne always treated me with love and respect. He treated me like a queen and I couldn’t wait to love “Happily Ever After”, with our 3.2 children in a cute little house with a white picket fence and a husband who couldn’t wait to come home to his loving and happy family after a rewarding day at the office. Isn’t this what all little girls dream of while growing up?

Well, real life wasn’t always that easy. The 3.2 children turned out to be I darling adopted daughter. We did have a lovely house (without the picket fence) and most of the time Layne was happy to come home. This was reality!

After 14 years of marriage (the last few not being so great), Layne came home one night and told me needed to talk to me. I knew it was serious because my sister had for-warned me. Layne had already confided in her about his struggles but all she would tell me was “If you don’t want to know the answer, don’t ask the question”. We hadn’t been getting along very well for quite some time and I thought he was being a real jerk! He was distant, ornery and not very pleasant to be around. Not at all like the man I married. I thought he wanted “Out” and was preparing me so that when he left, I would be glad it was finally over. So, I thought the bomb was about to drop… WRONG BOMB!!

Layne told me about his struggles with SSA. We sat and talked and cried together for hours. He had to keep reassuring me that he wasn’t leaving and that he wanted to resolve these issues. The bottom of my world dropped out that night and I was so unsure about what the future would bring. I was so afraid! Afraid of being left by myself to raise our daughter. Afraid of not being able to love him anymore. Afraid he was not going t love me anymore or that I would never be enough for him. Afraid that I would be replaced by someone else in his life. Afraid someone would find out and not accept us anymore or worse, feel sorry for me. Afraid of literally everything! FEAR was my new “Best Friend”. It was with me in the morning when I first woke up. It was with me during the last few seconds before I finally fell asleep at night and it was with me every hour in between. I hated my new friend! I almost let it take over my existence.

Two days after Layne told me, we were able to go to the temple and be the witnesses for some friends of ours that were getting married. As we entered the Celestial Room, I started praying harder that I had ever prayed in my life. I prayed for the answer to know what to do. We sat in there for over 30 minutes and as we were leaving, I had the most calm and reassuring feeling. I KNEW everything was going to be all right!
It wasn’t going to be easy nor was it going to happen quickly, but it was going to work out! The Lord had answered my prayer. On the ride home Layne and I talked about this experience and that we were going to have to fight every day together to keep Satan out of our lives and out of our home. I knew that he was trying so hard to break up our worth and that when he couldn’t fight any more, I would fight extra hard for both of us. We couldn’t let him win!

Being a wife, a mother and a woman, I wanted to “fix” everything. I think that has been one of the hardest things, is to just have to stand by and watch Layne fight and not be able to make everything all right for him. This has also been the most rewarding thing, watching how much he has grown and progressed on his own. I have watched him become a much stronger person who is starting to finally like and accept himself and realize he is a wonderful man! I now know that the only ones that can “fix” him are himself and the Lord! All I can do is be there and show my love and support for him.

This has been a tough 2 years. I wouldn’t wish the struggles we have both gone through on anyone. But if given the chance to go back and not to have to go through all we have, I would not change a thing! I am a better person because Layne had faith in me and was able to confide in me and allow me to go through this experience with him. I feel like I am a more loving, non-judgmental, compassionate and tolerant person that I was two years ago. I have learned more about myself and have come to realize that I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I have learned to let go of my fears. To give them to the Lord and trust in the Holy Spirit. I am grateful for the opportunity that I have been given to be involved with Evergreen and to meet so many new friends, to be able to talk with other spouses and to help each other through these tough times. Being involved with Evergreen has saved our lives and our marriage. Thank You!

I love my husband more today than I ever have before! I have witnessed the fight he goes through every day to do what he knows to be the right thing and I have so much love and respect for him because of our willingness to stay together and keep the covenants we made in the Temple the day we committed our lives to each other and to him. Thank you for your strength and determination. I love you Layne!