Relationships

By Jason Park

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How to develop relationships
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ
Your father
Your mother
Reconciling with your parents
Your wife
If you do not yet have a wife
Other men
Scriptural examples of good relationships
 

Homosexual problems stem from relationship deficits and one of the keys to resolving the problems is to repair existing relationships and build new, healthy ones. Those who make the most progress in resolving their problems are those who build quality male relationships. The first part of this chapter gives suggestions on how to develop relationships, and the later considers key relationships in your life, such as your relationship with your Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, your father, mother, wife, and other men.

In their book Coming Out of Homosexuality, Bob Davies and Lori Rentzel identify qualities of appropriate relationships.¹ They say that healthy friendships are free and generous; built over time; not self-serving; directed outward, not inward; not mentally or emotionally preoccupying; and built on strength rather than weakness.

Part of the attraction you feel to men may be a healthy drive to become like other men. Once you recognize the reasons behind your attraction and interpret them correctly, you can use this drive to your advantage. Channel this energy into bonding and healing by developing strong, appropriate relationships with other men. As healthy friendships develop, inappropriate sexual attractions diminish. When you learn that your peers do love and accept you, the intensity of your need for same-sex closeness will diminish. It will not go away because you always need the love and brotherhood of other men, but when your needs are being met legitimately, homosexual behavior will hold less appeal—and that is a sign of real change.

Allow yourself to be loved

We often create our own isolation because we convince ourselves that we are unlovable and that others won’t enjoy relating with us. It may be that you subconsciously avoid situations where other men could reject you. If you have experienced love or intimacy that turned into pain, your defense may be a way of avoiding true love and intimacy so you don’t get hurt again. In response to a relationship that didn’t work out, you may have begun to believe you are not worthy of their emotional attention. Since faulty perceptions develop from faulty interactions, you need to have good experiences to challenge the bad ones and change your beliefs. You can have loving, healthy relationships that are rewarding.

To meet important emotional needs, you must be willing to build and nurture healthy relationships based on love, honesty, and appropriate intimacy. Rather than running from the relationships you need most, you need to allow yourself to be loved. As Alan Medinger, a pioneer in the Christian "ex-gay" movement, explained, "[T]o allow ourselves to be loved, is to open all of the doors to pain that were so carefully sealed shut."² Taking the chance to be loved means that you also open yourself to the risk of hurt. It may be frightening. "Love is never safe, nor is dealing with our true inner selves."³ It takes courage. In his book The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck says that "courage is not the absence of fear; it is the making of action in spite of fear, the moving out against the resistance engendered by fear into the unknown and into the future."⁴ Reaching out and growing in any dimension will bring pain as well as joy. A full life will be full of pain, but the only alternative is not to live life fully, and it is regretful to miss out on loving relationships because they can be very rewarding. You will find that when you have the courage to extend yourself a little, people will get to know you and will be interested in you.

Letting other people help me was a difficult lesson for me to learn—one that I continue to work on. I am very independent and sometimes need to swallow my pride and reach out to others for help. We are all brothers and sisters of a loving Heavenly Father, and we need to rely on each other to make it through the challenges of this life. Spencer W. Kimball said, "God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other in the kingdom."⁵ We are not expected to live our lives in a vacuum and there is no shame in receiving loving help from another.

Do you find it difficult to let others into your life enough to help you? Do you fear that if others knew more about your thoughts and struggles they would reject you? Kathy Koch taught a good principle using an analogy of a rose.⁶ She explained that when you look at a rose, you notice the beauty of the flower. Although you are aware that it has thorns, and therefore handle it with care, you still focus on the petals and the beautiful blossom. Likewise, if you let other people know about your thorns, they will still focus on the beauty that you have. The thorns on the rose have a purpose—to protect the blossom. There are advantages of having certain thorns. The Apostle Paul had a "thorn in the flesh" for which he prayed would be taken away. The Lord told him, "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). To this, Paul responded, "Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong" (2 Corinthians 12:9–10).

Carefully choose those to whom you expose your thorns, but trust them to help you. Dare to let them help you? Give them permission to watch for your thorns and help you recognize when the thorns grow. Think about the people who currently influence your life. List their names and write a brief description of how each influences you. If that influence is not a positive one, find ways to make changes to eliminate that influence. The people you spend time with will influence you, so be sure there is a good reason for them to be there.

Overcome defensive detachment

Many of your fears in developing relationships may stem from your childhood. If you had difficult and hurtful relationships, you may have developed ways to keep an emotionally safe distance from other men. Once you realize how you distance yourself from other men, you can work to tear down those walls and open your heart to men who can become the friends you’ve always wanted. Ed Hurst said, "Frequently, in our search for our ‘dream friend,’ we pass up quality potential friendships without realizing it. We lament our friendlessness while a willing, capable, quality friend looks on—wondering what it takes to get our attention."⁷

People can benefit from improving their relationship skills. Together with your therapist, you may identify specific areas in which you want to grow. Many good books can help you develop specific skills in areas such as communication, reading people, and interacting with them.

Ed Hurst explains that "relationships don’t just happen, they grow."⁸ Relationships take time to develop. Be patient and allow them to grow normally and gradually and don’t become frustrated when things don’t go as you would like. All relationships have their awkward moments.

Don’t be afraid to show to others you care. Look for nice things about people and give sincere compliments. If you make others feel good about themselves, they will feel good about you. If you see to it that others have a good time, you will have a good time. You don’t always have to talk about your problems, even within your support group. Spend more energy talking about your strengths and successes than about your problems. When you act happy and extend yourself to others, they respond.

Consider the old story of a man who sat by the city gates. One day, a traveler approached and asked him if it was a friendly town. The man asked the traveler, "What was the town like that you just came from?" The traveler replied, "Oh, it wasn’t very friendly. The people were just interested in themselves." The man then replied, "Well, this town is the same. You wouldn’t enjoy your stay here." So the traveler went on to the next town. A while later, another traveler approached the man at the city gates and asked what the town was like. "What was the town like that you just came from?" the man asked. The traveler replied, "Oh, it was as a very friendly town. The people were caring and helped each other." The man then replied, "Then you will enjoy your stay here because this town is like that, too." This story illustrates that we get what we give. If we are introverted and don’t extend ourselves to love and help others, then we don’t get much in return. But when we reach out to others and show love and caring, we get the same in return.

I used to feel that I had to have the love and approval of everyone all the time. When I didn’t, I felt I had failed. It bothered me if anyone in the room was upset. In social situations, I felt it was my duty to keep everyone happy and I would jump into conflicts that weren’t mine in an effort to be the peacekeeper. I now realize that no one has the approval of everyone all the time. I now try to find the appropriate balance between being true to myself and being sensitive to others. If I get their approval, great. If not, I don’t feel I have failed because I realize they have their perspectives and preferences, and I respect them.

Recognize that you will never be able to please everyone all the time. At the beginning of my career, my boss shared with me his advice on how to win friends and influence people. He said, "Try to please everyone a little, and don’t offend anyone a lot." Be happy if you live in congruence with your internal values and don’t worry about whether it happens to please everyone around you. Try to be your best self and show concern for others, but recognize that some people will like it and others won’t.

Overcome anger

In your attempt to repair and build relationships, you may find some unfinished business in some of your relationships. If you find unresolved anger or hostility, you may need to forgive to move on with your life. Some people think they have dealt with anger when they replace it with dutiful numbness. If you feel numbness, you may need to back out of the numbness and feel the emotions again, work through them, and come to a reconciliation. Ignoring problems doesn’t make them go away. You may need your therapist’s help to be sure that you appropriately deal with your anger and bring closure to the situation.

Sometimes we learn specific relationship skills, but have difficulty understanding how to apply them in other situations. We may learn to relate well to men in our support group, but not recognize that we can use the same skills with men at work. If you have difficulty relating to men at work, look at how you relate with men in your support group and see if you can transfer those same skills to the work setting. You may be able to tell other men in your support group that you love them, but you may have trouble showing feelings of concern at work. Although you may not want to come right out and say "I love you" to other men at work, you could say, "I’m sorry about your wife’s poor health. It must really be tough on you."

The first step in building relationships with others is to like yourself. If you don’t enjoy being with yourself, others may not enjoy being with you either. Ed Hurst said, "I’ve noticed in recent years that I actually prefer being alone far more than I ever did before. Sometimes that’s because I have finally become my own friend. Other times, it’s just to be reflective. For me, this is both time alone and time with Jesus. Although it isn’t marked by formal prayer, it is a time when I’m searching my thoughts and asking Him what He thinks of all that I’m thinking and planning."⁹

It is difficult to maintain relationships if you are always taking but not giving. Healthy adult relationships are mutually-beneficial, give-and-take relationships where you treat each other as equals. Don’t expect to give only when you receive. Think of what you can give without expecting anything in return. Since people reciprocate in different ways, you’ll only get frustrated if you try to keep score. If you make others feel good about themselves, then you will feel good about yourself. When you meet someone, try to determine what he or she needs, then fulfill the need as much as you can.

A good way to grow is to lift another person. Be the strong one for others who are weaker than you. Rather than always looking for someone to be your mentor, become a mentor to others. Be for them the kind of man you wished you had met when you were hurting.

Recognize and avoid dependent relationships

A common misconception is that dependency is love. Different from love, dependency is when you require another individual for your survival. Dependency is beyond the normal need for friendship and intimacy. It is a virtual obsession with another person, where you cannot function without him. You need constant reassurance from him, consistent displays of affection, and large quantities of time.¹⁰ In his book The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck explains that people in dependent relationships "are so busy seeking to be loved that they have no energy left to love." He explains that "they tolerate loneliness very poorly. Because of their lack of wholeness they have no real sense of identity, and they define themselves solely by their relationships."¹¹ Two people really love each other "only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other."¹² You may need the help of a therapist to overcome relational dependency.

Recognize and avoid codependent relationships.

In her book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, Melody Beattie describes a codependent person as "one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior."¹³ If you find that you are obsessed with controlling another person’s behavior, or if someone else is obsessed with controlling your behavior, you are in a codependent relationship. I have a friend who has a very controlling mother who isn’t happy unless she is involved in every aspect of his life. In order to grow beyond some of his identity problems, he had to confront his mother about her controlling influence. He had to cut the apron strings and help his mother see how her control affected him negatively. This was a difficult process, but very rewarding for him.

Recognize and avoid obsessive friendships

When you are needy, it is easy to become obsessive in your friendships. Obsessive relationships are marked by jealousy, possessiveness, and exclusiveness. If you find that you are preoccupied with a friend and cannot make plans that don’t include him, you may need to release your "death grip" on him before you lose him as a friend. Keep your friendships within the bounds of moderation.

I used to look for one perfect friend who could meet all my needs. For some reason I thought it had to be an all-or-nothing arrangement and I became jealous if my best friend had friendships with other men. I later learned that I shouldn’t expect to get all my needs met by just one man. I need to build friendships with several men to get all my needs met. When I put all my emotional eggs in one basket, I set myself up for devastating hurt when that person doesn’t live up to my high expectations. It is better to look to several people for love and affirmation. Each can give me what he is capable of giving, and I can give to them what I am capable of giving as well.

If you try too hard to relate to the other person, you may also find that your own sense of identity becomes lost. It is common for men desperate for relationships to overlook the differences and see only the similarities. In my support groups, I cannot count the number of times I heard comments such as "We are just alike." "We think alike." "We like the same things." "We’re soul mates." When I was most desperate in my relationships, I found I would even modify my tastes to match those of the person with whom I was trying to bond. When one of my friends didn’t like raisin cookies, I stopped eating them and actually began to detest them. It wasn’t until years later that I realized I really did like raisin cookies and started eating them again. If you find you are entangled in a dependent, controlling, or obsessive relationship, you may need the help of a therapist to understand and unravel the situation.

To understand more about the issues of dependency, co-dependency, and obsessiveness, read the booklet Emotional Dependency: A Threat to Close Friendships, by Lori Thorkelson Rentzel (available through Regeneration Books; see the Organizations section in this book).

Building relationships is not always easy. Although you may be afraid at times, have the courage to work on relationships. Remember that all men have a certain fear of new relationships and certain difficulty maintaining existing ones. You may need to stretch and exert yourself more with associates at work and with men in your ward to build relationships with them. Spend more time talking with them and be more friendly toward them. You should always be a bit uncomfortable by stretching and extending yourself.

One Sunday in priesthood meeting, when they passed around a sheet for men to help in the nursery, I signed up because I noticed that Steve had already signed up. I had wanted to get to know Steve better, and figured this would be a chance to interact. I stretched with him. I was friendly and tried to make conversation, but he didn’t respond much. Although we didn’t build much of a friendship then, the experience was a success for me, because I realized that he was as uncomfortable around other men as I am. That gave me the confidence I needed to extend myself with another man in the ward with whom I became good friends.

Be appropriately intimate

Intimacy involves closeness in relationships and sharing of your true self. For hearts to bond, affections must be shared. In building healthy relationships, it is important to understand correct principles of both physical and emotional intimacy.

Physical intimacy

All men have basic emotional needs for affirmation, affection, attention, and approval. If these needs were not met as you grew up, deficits were created, and as you instinctively searched for ways to meet the emotional needs, at some point they became sexualized. The solution now is to back out of the sexual feelings, but not to the point of emotional indifference. You need to find ways to appropriately express your affections.

This can be tricky because male affection is limited in contemporary American culture. While women friends may hug each other upon greeting, men usually shake hands. Two women may even hold hands at particularly emotional times, while it is generally considered taboo for two men to do the same. For some men, this arms-length intimacy is sufficient for their needs, while others wish they could express more affection but are held back by cultural norms. It is interesting to note that when men’s defenses are down (such as when they are drunk) or when they are particularly excited (such as at the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl), they tend to be all over each other, hugging and touching. Cultural norms guide a lot of what we do.

Traveling in different countries, it is easy to note different cultural norms that guide the physical expression of intimacy. In some cultures, men show more affection with each other by greeting each other with a kiss or by holding hands. These customs allow men to more easily meet their needs for physical affection and affirmation from other men. In some countries, males spend a great deal of time together in buddy activities. For them, it is not a social taboo to touch another man, to hold hands in particularly emotional moments, or to walk down the street with an arm around the other’s shoulder. This level of male companionship can be very healthy if handled appropriately. It may be helpful for you to distinguish between cultural norms and gospel standards of chastity that are the same across all cultures.

When I began to really watch the men around my office, I was surprised to realize I was the least physical man in the office. I began to notice that men touched each other and I tried to follow their lead.

Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy includes the sharing of your true self and it increases the more you disclose yourself to others. Because of shame over your attractions, you may have learned to hide your true self from others, and maybe even from yourself. Once you come to understand and appreciate who you really are, you owe it to yourself to share that person with others. When you do, you will be in a position to support each other. Life and love are meaningless if they are not shared and men who find a way to open up with each other are more emotionally healthy.

My friend Todd describes what it felt like when he began opening up to friends: "For the first time in my life, I no longer felt like I was unacceptable because I started to find out that people could know everything about me and still want to be my friend. In fact, through the sharing of deep emotions, I gained some of my closest friends; and I continue to seek such relationships. It seems that the value and impact of the friendship is directly proportional to the emotional investment I make. The more I share and trust, the more sharing and trusting I receive—and I think there is more value in that simple truth than most of the things I learned in college or since."

How to meet your needs for intimacy

All your needs for intimacy will not be met perfectly all the time; there will be some disappointment. Don’t become discouraged and stop trying to build relationships because disappointment does not mean rejection. Be confident in the fact that other men give you their time, even though you may wish they would give you more attention or verbal signs of affection. Learn to accept their intangible forms of affirmation. Remember that most men bond by doing things rather than talking about things. If another man is spending time with you doing things, recognize he is saying that you are worth spending time with. His smile may mean the same as a hug. To better understand how men express themselves, you may read the book Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus by John Gray.

Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ

Although we have a variety of friends, many of us search for a special friend with whom we can have a deep, meaningful relationship. We long for a friend who will believe and trust us—someone who understands and accepts us and won’t reject us even when he knows our darkest secrets. Many of us search for a friend among the people we see each day, but seldom think that we already have two such friends who are waiting and willing.¹⁴ One is your Heavenly Father and the other is your brother Jesus Christ. Your Heavenly Father already knows your darkest secrets and still loves you. Jesus cares so much about your pain that He gave his very life to take care of the consequences of your sins.

Your Heavenly Father wants you to do what is right so you can be happy. His unconditional love for you doesn’t change from day to day depending on whether you made any mistakes that day. He always keeps his word and unlike other relationships you may have, He will always be there for you. You are the only one that can default in this relationship. There is no need for any defensive detachment from Him because He will never do you wrong. It is the safest relationship you can have. Draw your support and strength from Him. Elder Richard G. Scott explained, "Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love.¹⁵

Alma taught, "let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever" (Alma 37:36). You cannot build a relationship without talking and interacting with the person. If you want a personal, emotional relationship with God, you must spend time talking and interacting with Him. You can do this by praying and listening. President Howard W. Hunter explained, "If prayer is only a spasmodic cry at the time of crisis, then it is utterly selfish, and we come to think of God as a repairman or a service agency to help us only in our emergencies."¹⁶ President David O. McKay said, "When we pray we should have a consciousness that there is something within us which is divine, which is part of the Infinite, which is the offspring of God, and until we can feel that harmony with that Infinite, we have not sensed the power of prayer."¹⁷ If you take the time to pray sincerely with a desire to know and love God, you will come to know Him and know that He loves you. You may wish to read Elder Richard G. Scott’s conference address, "Learning to Recognize Answers to Prayer" (Ensign, Nov. 1989, pp. 30–32). Remember that your long-term goal is not just to get over your homosexual problems, but to become like your Father in Heaven. The first step in that process is to come to know Him and His attributes of faithfulness and unconditional love.

Your father

It is common for men who experience homosexual attraction to have poor relationships with their fathers. Even if you and your father get along, it is likely that you may not know him very well or particularly enjoy spending time with him. It is important that a boy have a healthy emotional relationship with his father. Even though you may now be an adult, those boyhood needs may still exist and an improved relationship with your father may help fill some of those needs. Even if you have since found a way to meet those needs through another male, you may want to work out things with your father to bring closure to certain unresolved issues. If you and your father have developed a defensive detachment from each other, you may need to understand these defensive mechanisms before you can build a better relationship. (To understand more about defensive detachment, read Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic by Elizabeth R. Moberly.) Reconciling your relationship may require some forgiveness from both sides and acceptance of each other for who you are. Just as you want your father to recognize your worth, you need to respect and honor him.

If your relationship with your father is weak, work diligently but gradually to build it. If you don’t have a habit of hugging him, start out gradually or you may scare him away. As I was beginning to extend myself to get closer to my father, I remember an incident when I was leaving his house after a Sunday dinner. After hugging my sisters, I walked up to dad and gave him a hug. It wasn’t until I hugged him that I realized that we usually just shake hands. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time we hugged each other. He was stiff, and didn’t put his hands on my back. It felt uncomfortable to both of us, but I’m glad that I did it, because it was the beginning of an improved relationship. Today we are closer than we have ever been, and the hugs are natural and plentiful.

Your mother

It is important to have a good relationship with your mother. If there are relationship difficulties, work to resolve them. If your mother is controlling, you may need to confront her about the controlling influence and help her see how it affects you negatively.

If you have developed a defensive detachment from your parents, you may need to understand your defensive mechanisms before you can establish a connection with them. To understand more about defensive detachment, read Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic by Elizabeth R. Moberly. Your therapist can also help guide you through these emotional mine fields. To reconcile with your parents, forgive them and accept them for who they are. Chances are the deficits you experienced in childhood were through no conscious choice on their part. If you are carrying grudges, get rid of them. They do no good and only hold you back. Recognize your parents’ worth. If you want them to be interested in you, then show interest in them. This can open new lines of communication and emotions can be shared on a deeper level. Don’t try to change your parents. Accept and honor them for who they are. Have compassion on them for the pain they have experienced. Learn to relate with them as an adult and not as a child.

Your wife

If you are married, it can be both a blessing and a challenge. It is a blessing because you have a companion who loves you and can be a support to you. It is an additional challenge because you have to care for your wife and perhaps children while you work on your issues, which may take large amounts of time and energy for individual therapy, group therapy, support group meetings, and reading books. At times, these obligations may seem overwhelming, but rather than consider your family a burden, turn it into a strength. The truth is you need your family as much as you need the interactions with other men. You need to keep your life in balance. As you work on new male relationships, you still need to pay attention to your wife and family. The following ideas may help you give priority to them. (If you are not married, consider how the following ideas may apply to your parents or other family members.)

Keep your wife informed about what you are doing. Help her understand why you need to be involved in so many meetings and why you need so much time for interaction with other men. Help her understand how it will help you become a better husband and father. Although you can’t divulge confidential details of things discussed in your group meetings, let her know in a general way what goes on in those meetings. Help her feel a part of what you are doing. She needs to have a level of understanding and trust, and that comes from information. If she has no idea what you talk about and what you do, it is likely that her fears will multiply. But when she understands what you are doing and why, she can be a support by encouraging you to go to the meetings. Also, if she knows what things you are working on personally, she can be more helpful in her support and encouragement.

Consider how your wife is affected by your problems. What are her needs? You are not the only one struggling with difficulties because of your attractions. Consider your wife’s needs and be as considerate to her as you wish her to be to your needs. She may feel hurt and rejected by your attractions toward other men, and may even feel that she is to blame. Even if she understands the issues intellectually, she may inwardly feel that there was something she could have done. She may feel she could have been more attractive physically or emotionally, in which case she needs your reassurance that she is feminine and has great worth. She may feel betrayed in the marriage, particularly if you have been involved in sexual activity. Have you specifically told her you are sorry that she hurts? You may have to go to significant efforts to reestablish her trust in you and this may be difficult when you are attending many meetings away from home. You may need to volunteer a great deal of information about your activities so there will be no question as to your whereabouts. As you attend meetings and receive therapy, you will come to understand yourself and find ways to deal with your problems. Your wife may need the same help to come to terms with her feelings, hurts, and doubts. She may need counseling herself or may want to join a support group for wives.

As you learn to open up emotionally to men in your group, apply it also to your wife and family. Be open and available to them emotionally. When you are with your wife and family, pay them the full attention they deserve. Be there emotionally as well as physically and make the time count. Remember that you are in a covenant relationship with them.

Be a good father to your children. I find as I interact with my son in being a father to him, not only does it fill his needs, but it also helps me in two ways. First, I feel affirmed in my role as a father in being for him the kind of father I always wanted. Secondly, as I play with him, I am able to relive my childhood vicariously through him and feel through him the connection with my father that I did not feel when I was a child.

Don’t compare your relationships with men with your relationship with your wife. The needs involved and the affirmations you receive are different. Because these new male relationships fill needs that have long been unmet, they may be very fulfilling and some men mistakenly begin to think that these relationships are more important than their marriage relationship. Men in your support group will be able to relate to your feelings better than your wife can, simply because they are male, because they are going through the same experiences as you are, and because you share more information with them. Appreciate your male friends, but don’t let them take priority over your wife. Remember your wife is the one who will always be there for you and you are in a covenant relationship with her that cannot simply be put aside. Some men also try to compare sexual experiences with men with the sexual experiences they have had with their wives. This is an unfair and unnecessary comparison. Since illicit sex with a man is counterfeit love, Satan is anxious for it to be intense and seem fulfilling. But like illegal drugs, it produces an abnormal high that does not last.

If you do not yet have a wife

If you are not yet married, you may wonder if you will ever marry. Although marriage is an important goal, don’t make it your immediate, short-term goal. Speaking in a general conference, President Gordon B. Hinckley counseled, "Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices, which first should clearly be overcome with a firm and fixed determination never to slip to such practices again."¹⁸ Getting married will not solve your current homosexual problems, and in many cases may only intensify them. Work first on resolving your immediate problems and on developing a secure sense of self and male identity.

Even if marriage does not seem like an option to you now, keep an open mind about it. I personally know several men who thought they would never marry in this life. Over the years, however, they resolved their homosexual problems, found themselves more attracted to women, and the day came that they married and are now happily raising families. Brad wrote, "As my self-confidence increases, and my relationship with my father and other men improves, SSA continues to diminish in strength. I now find myself less and less attracted to men, they, now being the familiar. A curious interest in women is developing. It is a new phenomenon in my life, strange and interesting to experience, as I continue to step forward with faith as my guide. Women are now the unfamiliar and attraction occurs to that with which we are unfamiliar."¹⁹ Don’t get married until you feel you are ready, and if you listen to the Holy Ghost, you will know when the time is right.

Every man has legitimate emotional and social needs that should be met through loving, validating relationships with other men. Elizabeth Moberly wrote, "Homosexuality is the kind of problem that needs to be solved through relationships. The solution to same-sex deficits is to be sought through the medium of one or more non-sexual relationships with members of the same sex. . . . It is the provision of good same-sex relationships that helps to meet unmet same-sex needs, heal defects in the relational capacity, and in this way, forward the healing process."²⁰ Relationships or social contacts with women are not the solution to your problems, since contact with women does nothing to fulfill same-gender needs. Healthy relationships with women, however, may support your sexual identity and encourage appreciation of the opposite sex.

In his book Desires in Conflict, Joe Dallas wrote, "Relationships are your most valuable resources. You’ve got to know that you are significant to somebody else, appreciated for your gifts and uniqueness. And you’ve got to know that you have people to lean on, people interested in your life and rooting for you as you grow."²¹ An important benefit of friendships is the effect they have on your self-perception. They can correct false concepts you may have grown up with.

Everybody needs a buddy. In his book The Hazards of Being Male, Herb Goldberg explained that although men need close male relationships, "many men have come to view the need for a buddy as a remnant of immaturity, or an adolescent need."²² But through your openness and friendliness, you can help another man come out of his emotional shell and become your buddy. Dr. Goldberg explained, "the capacity for what I term ‘buddyship’ is a genuine social skill, an area of competence that needs to be learned. I have chosen the word ‘buddyship’ because of its connotations of youth and of spontaneity. This, combined with adult maturity contains the potential for the ultimate in masculine friendship."²³ If you want to learn more about developing a buddyship, read The Hazards of Being Male: Surviving the Myth of Masculine Privilege by Herb Goldberg, particularly chapter nine.

Consider the following suggestions as you develop relationships with other men:

Don’t judge other men. Allow others the same consideration you ask of them. I used to judge other men by external criteria (how they looked, how they dressed, how they carried themselves), and I thought they judged me by the same superficial standards. I expected that other men would reject me if I wasn’t properly dressed or if I wasn’t good-looking. But I have come to realize that most men don’t care how attractive I am. Although these criteria fit in the gay world, they don’t in the world at large.

Don’t make sweeping generalizations of other men. Although you may have experienced some men as insensitive or uncaring, not all men are. On the other hand, don’t expect that all men will share your zeal for male bonding. Recognize the limitations in each person and accept what each has to give.

Don’t feel rejected if others don’t recognize your needs. The truth is that most men don’t recognize the developmental needs in others. You also may have created such a good exterior that they feel you don’t need them or even want them. (There’s the defensive detachment again.)

Be verbal. Comments like "nice shot," "great-looking suit," or "we missed you at the game last week" will show your genuine interest.

Diversify. A healthy way of investing financially is to diversify. That way, if some of your investments go bad, the others that turn out good will carry you through. The same is true with relationships. Not every relationship you try to develop will flourish, so don’t be discouraged when one doesn’t turn out the way you wished it would. Spread yourself out and work on several relationships at once.

A good way to ease into relationships with other men is to get involved with groups. The first and easiest group may be your support or therapy group. As you build relationships with these men, you will gain confidence in your ability to develop and sustain relationships and then be ready to branch out to other groups of men who do not struggle with homosexual attraction. You may need to take some initiative to find groups of men that come together for some purpose you are interested in. This may be a community or ward softball team, a reading club, a group of hobbyists, or a computer club. Look through the phone book or a listing of community organizations. You may want to join a service organization such as the Rotary Club or groups that provide services to the disadvantaged.

The most important group to be involved with is your priesthood quorum. If you feel distant from the men in your quorum, it may be your defensive detachment. If you feel they are not interested in you, it may be because you don’t show much interest in them. The priesthood quorum is God’s established plan for brotherhood and bonding, and it is important that you be involved in the quorum. No other group, including your support group, should take priority over the quorum. If your quorum is not functioning as it should, take the initiative to suggest activities and projects that will bring the quorum together and develop good relationships. As a community of Saints, we must be "willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. . . ." (Mosiah 18:8-9).

Don’t give up if relationships don’t form immediately. Your active presence in the group sends a message. Some men may not respond immediately, but if you keep trying, eventually your investment of time and emotional involvement will pay off.

Developing relationships with men in groups can help you have the courage to develop individual relationships. This may grow out of the group as you relate with some of the men individually or you may develop nurturing relationships with other key people in your life—family members, your bishop, your quorum president, or a man in the ward or at work who is accessible and warm. To be in a trusting, intimate relationship with a man who does not experience homosexual attractions is perhaps the most healing thing you can do.

For me, the ultimate challenge was to develop relationships with straight men to whom I was initially attracted. Sure, it took courage to approach them and get to know them, but the rewards were certainly worth it. As I came to understand the mystery of these formerly distant men, my attractions toward them disappeared. As Joseph Nicolosi explained, "While aesthetic appreciation for the man’s good looks and masculine qualities may always be present, it will become increasingly evident that sexual fantasies do not fit within the mutually respectful friendship. As the [person] experiences increasing acceptance and familiarity, over time this grows into identification, and the original sexual feelings naturally diminish. This transformational shift from sexual to fraternal . . . is the essential healing experience of male homosexuality."²⁴ I used to look away when I saw an attractive man so I could avoid the tempting feelings, and I think that was necessary in the beginning to break my old compulsive cycles. But now I can look upon an attractive man and reframe the significance of what I see. I see him (and myself) as a child of God and realize that he could be my friend.

I used to divide the entire male world into two categories: those who had homosexual attractions and those who did not. Whenever I met someone, I used to try to figure out which category he fit in. Somehow I thought I needed to know so I could know if I could trust him and relate with him. Now it is not important to me to know because I can build relationships with all men.

Perhaps the most unselfish friendship we read about in scripture was that of Jonathan and David. Jonathan was the son of King Saul and was the heir apparent to the throne, but it was given to David. Although Jonathan could have regarded David as his rival, they developed a most impressive friendship. The biblical account says "the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul" (1 Samuel 18:1). Accounts in 1 Samuel 13–23 describe the love these two men felt for each other. David’s lamentation when Jonathan and King Saul were killed is one of the most beautiful of Bible poems (see 2 Samuel 1).

	Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw.
	Your Inner Child of the Past by W. Hugh Missildine, M.D.
	The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth by M. Scott Peck.
	Dealing With the Dad of Your Past by Maureen Rank.
	How Will I Tell My Mother?: A True Story of One Man's Battle with Homosexuality and AIDS by Jerry Arterburn
	Quality Friendship: The Risks and Rewards by Gary Inrig.
	If the Gospel Is True, Why Do I Hurt So Much?: Help for Dysfunctional Latter-day Saint Families by Carroll Hofeling Morris.
	When Victims Marry by Don and Jan Frank.

Endnotes:

1. Coming Out of Homosexuality: New Freedom for Men & Women, Bob Davies & Lori Rentzel, InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove, IL, 1993, p. 119.

2. “What About the Next Step?,” Alan P. Medinger, Regeneration News, Baltimore, MD, Jan. 95, p. 3.

3. “What About the Next Step?,” Alan P. Medinger, Regeneration News, Baltimore, MD, Jan. 95, p. 3.

4. The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck, Simon & Schuster, New York, 1978, p. 131.

5. “Small Acts of Service,” Spencer W. Kimball, Ensign, Dec. 1974, p. 5.

6. “Organizational Accountability in Ministry,” Kathy Koch, address given at the 19^th Annual Exodus International Conference.

7. “The Ultimate Friend,” by Ed Hurst, Outpost News, vol. 18, no. 4, Jul. 1994, p. 1.

8. “The Ultimate Friend,” by Ed Hurst, Outpost News, vol. 18, no. 4, Jul. 1994, p. 1.

9. “The Ultimate Friend,” by Ed Hurst, Outpost News, vol. 18, no. 4, Jul. 1994, p. 3.

10. “Emotional Dependency and Lesbianism,” by Dr. Carol Ahrens, in Desires in Conflict: Answering the Struggle for Sexual Identity, Joe Dallas, Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR, 1991, p. 204.

11. The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck, Simon & Schuster, New York, 1978, p. 99.

12. The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck, Simon & Schuster, New York, 1978, p. 98.

13. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, Melody Beattie, Harper and Row, San Francisco, CA, 1987, p. 31.

14. This thought was taken from “The Ultimate Friend,” by Ed Hurst, Outpost News, vol. 18, no. 4, Jul. 1994, pp. 1–4.

15. “Trust in the Lord,” Richard G. Scott, Ensign, Nov. 1995, p. 17.

16. “Hallowed Be Thy Name,” Howard W. Hunter, Ensign, Nov. 1977, p. 52.

17. Treasures of Life, comp. Clare Middlemiss, Deseret Book, Salt Lake City, UT, 1962, p. 302.

18. “Reverence and Morality,” Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, May 1987, p. 47.

19. Address by Brad Anderson at the Annual Evergreen International Conference, Salt Lake City, UT, 1995.

20. Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, Elizabeth Moberly, James Clarke & Co., Cambridge, England, 1983, p. 42.

21. Desires in Conflict: Answering the Struggle for Sexual Identity, Joe Dallas, Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR, 1991, p. 80.

22. The Hazards of Being Male: Surviving the Myth of Masculine Privilege, Herb Goldberg, Signet, New York, 1976, p. 131.

23. The Hazards of Being Male: Surviving the Myth of Masculine Privilege, Herb Goldberg, Signet, New York, 1976, p. 133.

24. Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality: A New Clinical Approach, Joseph Nicolosi, Jason Aronson, Inc, Northvale, NJ, 1991, p. 200.

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