Personal Plan of Actionby Jason Park |
|
Determine readinessAre you ready for the struggle? It will likely be the hardest battle you will fight. Do you really believe that you can change? In your quiet moments when you get in touch with yourself with the part which is deep inside you, the part that really knows who you are in an eternal sense do you feel that you can overcome this temporary condition called homosexuality? Have you really decided within yourself that you want to overcome it's power over your life? I encourage you to seriously consider what you are doing with your life. Are your efforts taking you back to God, or further away from him? To be successful, you will need to use all the relationships and resources available to you: family, friends, counselors, church leaders, faith and prayer, group and individual therapy, books, support groups, and so on. You will have to grow in other areas like coming to understand your true self, confirming your gender identity, healing old wounds, forgiving, reconciling your relationships with your mother and father and/ or others, and learning to control your behavior. Most importantly, spirituality will need to play a major role. Commitment to, and faith in, Jesus Christ is the key to applying the healing power of the atonement in your life. If you are ready to do these kinds of things, there is hope. You can find your way out of homosexuality just as I and many of my friends have. Make a self-inventoryBefore you begin, it is important to do a careful self-examination of your life to determine where you are. Plan to spend several hours defining your current feelings and actions in some detail. Don't get impatient with the time it will take; the reward will be well worth the investment. Evaluating where you are now is an important beginning in developing a strategic plan. It can also be a helpful comparison later to measure the progress you make. Your therapist and priesthood leader can help give you some objectivity as you ask yourself questions such as the following:
Not only should you take the time necessary to carefully consider questions such as these, but it is important to write down your answers. Although this may seem like busywork, it will be invaluable to you both now and later. It will help you and your therapist now as you put together a strategic plan of action. These answers can help you consider areas that need improvement. The information will also be helpful to you later. Sometimes we make progress in such small increments that we don't even notice the progress. Being able to look back later and read the answers you gave will help you see the progress you have made in the meantime. You will have a basis upon which you can make periodic evaluations of how far you have progressed toward your goals and determine how much further you have to go. When you get discouraged, you can read where you were and gain encouragement by seeing the progress you have made. Develop an action planHomosexuality wouldn't be so difficult to overcome if there were a step-by-step plan that everyone could follow. However, because the factors that cause homosexuality are different for everyone, there is no magic formula of factors that will resolve homosexuality for everyone. Although there are some basic issues that most strugglers need to address, you will need to plot out a road map that will guide you in your unique situation. This transitional process is too complex and too important to leave it to chance. Your personal plan of action should include specific things you need to do to repair, build, and grow. With your initial evaluation in hand, you can sit down with your therapist and identify the areas in which you need to concentrate. Pick a few areas and set up action steps specific things you can do to improve. A goal without a plan of action is just a good idea. As you read through this list, consider how each issue relates to you personally. Throughout you will see suggestions of things to consider as you refine your action plan. You may wish to keep these in a special section of your journal titled "Action Plan" where you can frequently refer to them, re-evaluate them, and add to them. These concepts do not provide a magical "cure" for homosexuality. They can teach you basic principles of healing, but you have to develop a program your personal action plan that will work in your particular situation. It won't be as simple as sitting down in an afternoon with your day planner to map out a course to heterosexuality. We're a bit like Indiana Jones in this respect. Jones said he was making it up as he went along. But there are some basic steps you can follow. Emotional and spiritual aspectsAs you put together your plan, be sure to consider both emotional and spiritual aspects. The emotional repairing and maturing will include such things as coming to grips with past emotional trauma, resolving current emotional conflicts, overcoming emotional detachment and dependencies, learning how to love appropriately, building healthy relationships, correcting perceptions of yourself, and building feelings appropriate to your gender and self-worth. The spiritual development will include growing in ways such as having a mighty change of heart, surrendering to God, overcoming envy and lust, giving Christian service, and developing a spiritual wholeness. All these aspects need to be addressed during the process, or it won't be complete. I talk with men who say "I've tried fasting and prayer and scripture reading. I've tried to be good. But it just doesn't work!" I also talk with men who say " I've been in therapy for years and the feelings just don't go away." Some individuals develop healthy relationships to meet their emotional needs, but neglect the spiritual needs. If you grow emotionally, but not spiritually, you won't have the spiritual help necessary to make it through this difficult transition. If you move along the spiritual track, but not the emotional one, the temptations won't go away and the intensity of the urges and desires may be so great that you won't be able to resist the temptation. The process of transition is one of both grace and truth. There is truth in the clinical process, but it's also a healing process involving grace. Although much of these articles address the emotional and therapeutic aspects and less address the spiritual aspects, please don't believe that the spiritual aspects play only that small part in the process. If anything, the spiritual aspects are more important! However, the purpose is to give information about the emotional aspects that is not generally available elsewhere. As I discuss the spiritual aspects, I will refer you to many other writings on the subjects. Ask your therapist to help you gauge how you are moving in both the spiritual and emotional aspects. Follow his advice if you need to increase work in one area or the other to keep them in balance. When the effort is not in balance, people appear to make good progress, but the progress is temporary and they eventually relapse. While they take care of some of the deficits in their lives, their progress is not permanent because it is not whole. Repair, then buildIt may also be helpful to think of your efforts in terms of a two-step
process: Keep a long-term perspectiveWe make bad choices in life when we change our focus from the long term (eternal goals) to the short term, and choose the easy way rather than the more difficult, but more important. "We are more in need of a vision (or destination) and a compass (a set of principles or directions), and less in need of a road map. We often don't know what the terrain ahead will be like or what we will need to get through it; much will depend on our judgment at the time. But an inner compass will always give us direction." Stephen R. Covey [The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People Calendar, 25 March 1996.] Multiple factorsI have stated that homosexuality is caused by many factors working together in your life. If that is true, it stands to reason that to resolve it you will need to bring together and work on several specific factors at the same time. Discover the topics you need to address to resolve your specific problems. Following are topics that need to be considered. As you read, consider how each one relates to you and set specific goals in each area. Since many of these components are interdependent, neglecting one area can make progress in another area ineffectual. To be successful, you need to grow in all these areas because any one by itself isn't enough. Keep balanceIn my own life, I have come to recognize the need for balance. I believe that a lot of the difficulty I have had in my life is the result of imbalance. I had too little close friendship during certain childhood and adolescent years. I had too much preoccupation with sex during some adolescent years. I had too little access to a father role model during early childhood. Ages 8-13 I felt so comfortable spending time with my mother (who died three years later) that I didn't make the effort to go outside and play with friends. I had too little acceptance by my older brother when I looked up to him. Not only can the imbalance contribute to the development of a homosexual orientation in the first place, but a continued imbalance can contribute to failure as you try to resolve the homosexuality. For example, you may spend so much time reading and studying about the issue that you don't take time to build relationships. Or you may rely on support groups and get no individual therapy. Or you may get therapy and build relationships, but if you ignore the spiritual aspects you will not be successful. "And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order" (Mosiah 4:27). Luke 2:52 gives us a good formula for the areas we need to keep in balance. "And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man." Be sure you set goals and work in all four areas: intellectual, physical, spiritual, and social-emotional. Set boundariesOne reason people fail in their attempts to make changes in their lives is because they fail to set boundaries for themselves. A recovering alcoholic, for example, may need to draw the line at entering a bar. If he rationalizes that he can go to the bar to socialize with his drinking buddies and not be tempted to drink, he is fooling himself. Likewise you cannot go to gay nightclubs and not be tempted to flirt and be attracted to others. You need to establish boundaries lines that you commit not to cross. Physical boundaries may be easy to define but there are also other boundaries to consider that may be more difficult to define, such as emotional boundaries. If you find it easy to fall into emotional dependency, for example, you may need to establish emotional rules with yourself and hold to them. Although you may not always be able to control how you feel, you can choose how you respond to those feelings. Your emotions give you clues to understanding yourself. [An excellent book to help you understand emotional boundaries is "Human Boundaries and Personal Abuse" by Melanie Geyer. Many of the ideas in this section come from a talk given by Melanie Geyer entitled "Boundaries" at the 18th Exodus International Conference. Contact Exodus International at 206-784-7799 for a tape of this talk.] Also consider the intimacy boundaries you need to set. For example, when Randy first joined our support group, he was so relieved to find other men with similar goals that he didn't want to go home after the meetings ended. He would stay in the parking lot talking with his new-found friends for hours. But he also discovered that he was quite vulnerable during these late-night chats alone with other men, and sometimes found himself getting intimate with them. He quickly had to set some boundaries to stay out of trouble. He set for himself a limit of 30 minutes after the meeting, at which time he would get in his car and go home. He also committed never to be alone with another man from the group; he knew there was safety in numbers. Abuse can also affect the concept of boundaries. Abuse in any form sexual, physical, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual involves a violation of a boundary, and that may cause confusion as to where boundaries can or should exist, or even about what boundaries are. If you have been the victim or perpetrator of abuse, talk with your therapist about it. To avoid being abused, you need to discover what your own boundaries are. To avoid being abusive of others, you must respect their boundaries. Respect is the key to avoiding both abuse and boundary violations. You have a stewardship to take care of your body and you have a right to determine who can touch it. If you have been the victim of abuse, you may have come to feel that others have a right to touch and use your body. This false perception can be changed by discovering your self-worth and working through the effects of abuse. If you have become enslaved in sexual addictions, you may feel that you are helpless in controlling physical intimacy. But with the help of a professional, you can overcome addictions and gain control and self-respect. Take the time now to evaluate your current boundaries. Chances are that they are nebulous in many respects. Setting and obeying your own boundaries is a way to show self-integrity and self-respect. Remember that setting boundaries is not just a one-time event; it is a constant process of defining, redefining, evaluating, and maintaining boundaries. Monitor progressIt is common to have reoccurring doubts as you work on your action plan. Gerard van den Aardweg, a psychologist with many years of successful clinical experience treating homosexuality, observes that "The homosexually inclined, even if they are in principle willing to change, initially have serious doubts whether there are realistic chances of a profound improvement. These are periodically returning doubts, notwithstanding clearly observable progress, and they only die away when the change in feelings has become much more obvious." [Gerard van den Aardweg, Homosexuality and Hope: A Psychologist Talks About Treatment and Change, page 89.] To overcome these doubts, look back at your previous self-assessments from time to time and compare your current conditions with them. This will not only give you encouragement, but help you make adjustments to your plan as needed. Being accountable and journalingBeing accountable to others (to God, to your bishop, to your therapist, and to a close friend) is a very important part of the healing process. Knowing you have to report your actions to someone else helps you remain true to your commitments when trials come. They can also give you feedback and provide council when you need it. In the area of self-assessment, it is important to be accountable to yourself through introspection and journaling. Spend time thinking and writing in your journal about the events and feelings you experience each day. Steven R. Covey reminds us that "keeping a journal of our thoughts, experiences, insights, and learning promotes mental clarity, exactness, and context." [The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People Calendar, 12 March 1996.] Don't just record events superficially. Think and write about deeper levels including your thoughts, feelings, dreams, and ideas. Record anything that moves you, whether the event is happy or upsetting. Describe your feelings and try to determine why you feel as you do. Studies have shown that people who write regularly in journals feel less stressed and more in control. Journaling is a way to monitor and direct our lives. With the fast pace of our lives, it can be helpful to pause for a few minutes each day to reflect on what happened and why. Writing things down can help clarify your thinking and help you make connected, complete thoughts. When Jacob, the brother of Nephi, was writing on the plates, he commented that "our lives passed away like as it were unto us a dream" (Jacob 7:26). Life is not a dream, and journaling is a way to help us recognize what is happening in our lives and keep it directed. As time passes, our interpretations of the past change. So don't just write down facts and events, but also describe how you were feeling at the time. The following is an entry from Spencer's journal: "I think that one of the reasons I have cruised a lot lately is because of the pressures at home and at work, I have not taken the time to write in my journal as I usually do. Without this avenue to take assessment of what I am doing and think things through, I let myself wander and regress. I need to write in my journal faithfully so that I can be in control, analyze my feelings, and progress." Testimony"I prayed a lot while in the woods. I need to feel more strongly that I am on the right road. I feel like I need my sessions with Dan (therapist), and the meetings with my support group, and my friendships with Frank and Bill to get me through this. But at the same time I need to be careful that it's really what God wants me to be doing and not just what I want to do. Satan can be very clever about deceiving people by getting them close to the truth, but just far enough away that they can't see it. By reading a lot and associating with the guys from the group, I'm keeping the issue constantly on my mind. Sometimes I wonder if I should be so immersed in it, but I feel it's the right way to confront the issue head on and overcome it quickly. That's what I was praying about and trying to get a confirmation that it was what I should be doing."
|
|
