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If you have ever found yourself looking within yourself (attempting to
assess what you need from an insiders perspective, while recognizing that at
that moment you sense you are an outsider to your own self) then you might
have concluded that, on more than one occasion, you may not know what you
need because how can you be inside and be objectively outside yourself.
In my process toward an understanding and appreciation of myself, I have
engaged in unnumbered private, and often intimate, conversations within my
head, of the how's and why's of things and events. Sometimes I blamed or
encouraged the negative self-worth images, while at other times I noted the
strength and power I have within my soul to move through homosexuality.
Recently, a clarity has emerged with my perception of general healing, and
more specifically with same-sex attraction. The theme of current
conversations within my head, as well as with friends, has been "letting go"
of the life, the feelings, the known reality that has encased and engrossed
my life, of which I defined as (dare I say) the thing I loved. How can I
give up something I love? It's all I know, right?
For me, I doubt I have consciously said that I loved the gay life, and in
fact it has nearly always been to the contrary. However, at an unconscious
level, I have fed the belief that being gay was who I was and I needed to
accept this reality. And so, during these past two years of taking
initiative to participate in individual therapy, along with group process, I
have found myself in a state of consternation: do I want to let go of
something I have loved? No, I can't let go!
A quantum leap can occur. I have learned now to change the phrasing to say,
"How can I let go of something I have found frustrating, debilitating,
painful, and hateful?"
This has allowed me to shift from a frame of entrapment to one of
permission--permission to accept the notion that maybe it is okay to "let
go" of the past and not shame the identity that was so profoundly attached
to me. I can accept my perceived known identity and integrate it with what
has not yet been developed. I can feel frustrated, painful, hurt, and angry
at a life that did not bring lasting happiness, without causing shame and
hate upon my core self, a self that was not aware of how to receive
appropriate touch, both male and female.
And so, how can this shift bring a sense of comfort within your soul?
Honestly, it may not. However, it may. Each of us is unique, and we each
must look inward to look outward, or vice-versa. In order to find what can
enable our own movement towards healing. What is helpful for me is to write
down my thoughts. As they become written, I become clearer as to my
thoughts. But words that remain on paper can fade as time passes. So, for
me, I need to speak them outwardly, not just inwardly. My friends listen,
and in conversation, my thoughts can be accepted, stretched, or understood.
I like to process inside and outside.
Originally published in Journey, Volume 4, Number 3,
May/June 1994, pages 1 and 3.
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