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It's soon going to be Christmas and I guess, you like me, are busy shopping
for presents and planning how to spend the
holidays. I also look back on the year that is almost spent ...What a year
this has been!!
If anyone had told me last New Year's Eve that I would no longer identify
myself as gay and become a Latter-day Saint, I would have looked at them
with great compassion, because they must have been insane.
I was at crossroads in my life ... I had worked so hard to overcome the pain
of sexual abuse in my childhood and the mental disorders I suffered as a
result as an adult. 15 years of therapy was not in vain ...I had won! I felt
better than ever about myself and as a man. I felt free.
All my life I did not have any religious beliefs. I hated God. What a cruel
father he was to let his son suffer in that horrible
way. Besides, he was never there and didn't answer any of my prayers; he
sure didn't send an angel to save me. When I, as a last resort, prayed for
him to save me, after nearly dying. Again, I had been beaten and raped by my
stepfather. I was too young at the time to understand that God doesn't
personally intervene ... but uses other people to answers our prayers.
The image of Christ was somehow fixed in my mind ... he was one of my
heroes. He loved all those, whom the self-righteous (Pharisees and
Sadducees) detested. Maybe, he even loved me ... because no one else seemed
to.
My life has been all about surviving and recovering; and I have. Because of
the emotional scars, I was never able to let anybody love me. Today, I fully
understand my need to have my emotional needs met by men. It was a
dysfunctional and perverted love ... but a love after all. In Proverbs it
says "to the hungry, even what is bitter, tastes sweet". Well I'm not
starved anymore. I will not settle for bitter fruits.
I have lived celibately for 5 years this October, never acting out. But, the
longing for someone to love was still there!! I still
hoped "Mr. Right" would come a long. Because, I was gay right?
I had heard about ex-gay-groups like Exodus. But, I thought they were
fundamental, rightwing, Christian fanatics, that wanted to brainwash gay
people. They weren't even sorry when those young men and women killed
themselves in utter desperation of trying to be something they were not.
Well that was how the pro-gays portrayed them.
Getting to know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and learning
and studying the gospel and receiving a powerful personal revelation made me
look into what their perspective of gays was. Well, I should have known,
shouldn't I? I joined a pro-gay group for LDS men and I decided not to join
the church ... I was gay right?
One day they discussed a book called Prayers for Johnathan. They
hated the book ... but I read the review, which included Richard Cohen's
foreword. I asked if them if they had read the book at all? I thought
it looked very interesting and was very touched by it. I told them to read
it and weep. A guy in the group saw my comments and wrote the woman who had
written the book. She wrote me an e-mail. I was polite when I told her off.
She didn't give up. She told me that she wanted to be my friend no matter
what. That she had written her book with a young man from my country
(Denmark). She sent me a copy and I read it. It was very hard to read. I
laughed and I cried, my way through the book. I cried so much, when I read
the excerpts from Richard Cohen's book "Coming out straight". I realized why
I had a same-sex attraction. I could change if I wanted to.
Well the question was if I wanted to change? I only saw my same-sex
attraction as unwanted if it was caused by my horrible childhood. Well here
it was in black and white. I read a lot more during the next weeks and I
talked to Bridget Night on the phone. She was and is a real pillar of
support for ex-gays and gays.
I have also begun to notice women on the streets. One day at a restaurant
where I had invited the missionaries, a beautiful tanned woman, dressed in a
see-through dress came in. I said WOW ...she is beautiful! The missionaries
looked down at the table and became all weird. Later, they told me ... "look
once and you're a man ... look twice and you're not a missionary." Well poor
guys. One day at a bus-stop, I noticed a young woman and I got a physical
reaction... just by looking at her. That had never happened to me before. I
know that we are told that this is inappropriate ... but to
me it was a tell tale sign that I was changing. I also began to notice that
women looked at me in the streets in ways I didn't notice before. Had I been
wearing blinders all these years? Well I had been intimate with women ... by
accident of course... when I had been drunk sometimes in the past. This told
me that my inhibitions of women could be overcome. Maybe I wasn't gay after
all?
I had changed my behavior, my SSA had diminished but I still identified
myself as a gay man. Could I give up my gay identity?
The day I got baptized and became a Latter day Saint, I knew I could change.
I buried part of my self that had to die in order to live for Christ. I have
heard that feelings buried alive, never die, but that is not true. I still
mourn the loss of my gay identity. It's still a process of grievance.
I've heard someone compare SSA with alcoholism. Well the comparison is wrong
... I don't have a need to be loved by men anymore ... unlike the alcoholic
that will crave alcohol, when he is sober. In so many ways I feel deceived
today. Why had no one ever told me that change was possible? Well, even if
they did, I probably wouldn't have listened.
Thank you for sharing your experiences about your processes of change. I
have begun to reach out to other men now and tell them that it's possible to
change. Many have felt so alone all these years. They need ... just as I do
... brotherly love and support in order to be set free of SSA.
My Christmas wishes for all of us is that we may stay on the path and do
what it takes to heal and overcome SSA. That we will continue to reach out
to men that want to overcome SSA. May you all be filled with the light of
Christ, especially in your darkest hours, and may you be bearers of light.
(Matt. 5:16)
I will spend Christmas in America this year (Iowa). I will be a keynote
speaker at a meeting at the Bettendorf Library, Dec. 27, where I will tell
my personal story and my mighty change of heart. I also look forward going
to The Evergreen conference in Salt Lake City next September.
Merry Christmas 2005
Niels from Denmark
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