Nancy's Testimony

Shared at the 2003 Annual Conference of Evergreen International, September 12, 2003.

In 1988 I met the woman that I would go on to share my life with for the next 12 years. At that time I was working for a man who is a member of the LDS Church. Not only did I love working for him but he became a great friend. I can honestly say that he was the first good male role model that I had had in my life. I respected him and I grew to trust him. No man had ever gotten through to me before the way he did. I thought he was kind of peculiar with all of his religious practices and beliefs but he would spend hours of his valuable time talking with me about anything and everything. "Talk is cheap" as they say, however this man’s actions spoke louder than his words. He never once tried to force his religion on me in any way but as I look back now I see he was planting seeds in my heart about the Savior at every opportunity. I had not been raised in the LDS Church and I didn’t want anything to do with religion at that time. Like many people my heart had become hardened by many trials, and disappointments at a very young age. Among other problems I had come from a broken home–my father was gone by the time I was 8 years old, there was very little stability in my life, I had detached emotionally from my mother, and I had no sense of self-worth. It has just been recently that I have come to understand and admit that I have been struggling with depression all of my life. I had attended almost every major Protestant Church and had rejected what I had perceived to be inconsistencies in their doctrines. So much of it just didn’t make sense to me. In fact by the time I was a teenager I had turned completely away from organized religion of any kind.

I knew the story of Jesus Christ but only intellectually. There was no connection for me to the Savior where it really mattered or could have had any meaningful effect in my life. There was no connection in my heart.

Eventually my years and years of spiritual deprivation began to take it’s toll. Six or seven years ago I began to really question what this life was all about because I was very unhappy. Like many people I had spent most of my life searching for happiness in many of the exciting pursuits the world had to offer, but no matter what I tried it never seemed to be enough and it was getting increasingly harder to find things that made me truly happy. In addition my depression was manifesting in some very self-destructive ways and I was making those around me who loved me miserable. About this same time my grandmother died and in an effort to find some comfort I did something I hadn’t done since I was a child. I picked up a Bible and started to read it. And then I did something else I hadn’t done since I was a child. I started to pray. At that time I didn’t believe in a supreme creator–I only had a desire to believe.

Well, my partner had been born and raised in the church and even though she isn’t practicing Mormonism she still believes it is the true church. This relationship was a new experience for me because she was so different from anyone I had ever been involved with. She was sane, stable, had very strong family values, and was very successful. I think it’s ironic that my relationship with her was also instrumental in my conversion to the church. She taught me much about the church and encouraged me to read the Book of Mormon. I guess she just didn’t realize what would happen when I recognized that it was true.

When I first read the story about Joseph Smith I felt two equally strong but opposing things at the same time. I felt excited and intrigued at the possibility that Jesus Christ could have appeared to a young boy, in this country, less than 200 years ago and I also found it to be very unnerving, because I knew that either it was true or it wasn’t–there was no in-between and if it were true my life would never be the same. I knew I would have to change in ways that I couldn’t even begin to understand. So I did the only thing I could do at that time. I put the story away and tried to ignore it. But I really couldn’t - I still continued reading other books by Church leaders. As time went on I had many amazing and wonderful experiences, feelings, and revelations as the Holy Spirit revealed to me that the story of Joseph Smith was in fact true. And I learned something that no church had ever taught me before. I learned that I had lived before coming to this earth, that my life had a mission and a purpose, and not only that but I had actually chosen to come to this earth! That was a pivotal moment for me. My heart began to change. I felt true joy! I began to feel differently about myself and everyone around me. The real catalyst to my conversion however, happened on the day I came to the stunning and undeniable realization that Jesus Christ really did rise from the dead and because He did I would be able to live after this life.

I had no idea then how I was going to align my life with the teachings of the Savior. I just knew without a doubt that I had to. I feel like I developed a testimony of the Book of Mormon before I had even read it. So finally when I was ready the Lord sent the missionaries and I read the Book of Mormon. After a lot of tears and struggle I took a leap of faith and entered the waters of baptism in May of 1998. As my faith and my testimony of Jesus Christ grew so did my desire to serve Him and in Oct. of 2000 the Lord’s Prophet called me to serve a full time mission. Because I needed to get away from the relationship I was in and because I felt such gratitude to my Heavenly Father for leading me through all of this and into the truth I decided to serve. I felt that if I succeeded the experience would strengthen my faith enough to be able to endure this struggle. So far it has. It is only because I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Book of Mormon is true that I have been able to climb out and stay out of the bondage that I was in for so many years. Fortunately I had found out that Evergreen existed just before leaving on the mission and knew that there would be somewhere to go for support and guidance when I returned.

Because my partner of 12 years, had met so many of my needs that had gone unmet for so long, the emotional dependency runs very deep between us. We have not been lovers since before 1998 when I joined the church and yet I am still struggling to overcome this dependency. I can’t even begin to express to anyone the heart-wrenching struggle I went through to do the right thing. I have no words to describe that pain. Only the Savior knows how I felt and continue to feel.

Over the past 5 years the same-sex attraction has diminished. It is hardly a problem at all now. I am still working through the emotional issues that are at the root cause of the behavior with the help of my wonderful Bishop, a very capable therapist, the support of my family and a group of women who understand, and of course the Savior. The road here has not been easy. But it has been worth it.

I stand here before you today as one who has completely forsaken the homosexual life style. I know that the Plan of Salvation as set forth by the Lord in the scriptures is true and that the practice of homosexuality will not only destroy our ability to attain exaltation after this life but it is also an act of outright rebellion against our Heavenly Father and our Redeemer. Why would we want to rebel against those who love us so much? The way I see it is we have two choices. We can either allow the one who would destroy us to exploit this particular weakness or we can allow the Lord to make our weakness become strength.

Time does not permit me to even begin to express my gratitude to the Savior for reaching down into the darkness and pulling me out and into the glorious light of His love. But I can say with Alma: "Nevertheless, after wading through much tribulation, repenting nigh unto death, the Lord in mercy hath seen fit to snatch me from an everlasting burning, and I am born of God. My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity. I was in the darkest abyss but now I behold the marvelous light of God. My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched and my soul is pained no more" (Mosiah 27:28-29). "And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!" (Alma 36:20).

This is the testimony I want to leave with each of you my friends and fellow strugglers. The overwhelming joy and peace you begin to feel deep within your soul as the Holy Spirit bears witness to your heart of the truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the inconceivable love he has for each one of us is beyond description and beyond compare to anything or anyone on this earth. He is our hope and He will never leave us or forsake us. His power is more than sufficient to heal, to guide, to lift, and to sustain us through anything, even the journey out of homosexuality. Consider this promise is Mosiah 29:20 "But behold, he did deliver them because they did humble themselves before him; and because they cried mightily unto him he did deliver them out of bondage; and thus doth the Lord work with his power in all cases among the children of men, extending the arm of mercy towards them that put their trust in him."

I would like to publicly express my gratitude for the Evergreen organization and for the men and women who provide such tremendous support and examples of selfless love and courage. I am grateful for the privilege that I have had of serving on this year’s conference committee with these wonderful gifted people.

I know that Jesus Christ is the living Son of God and Savior of the world, that Joseph Smith is a prophet of God who helped to bring about the restoration of the Gospel in these last days. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the only true church on the earth and that we have a living prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley who leads the church today.

In The Book of Mormon in the 32nd chapter of Alma verse 27 we read: "But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." Brothers and sisters I put this scripture to the test, I know it is true. I so testify in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.



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