First of all, thank you for reading this section. It shows your commitment to
your calling and your concern for the struggles that people go through. The
greater understanding and depth you have, the better prepared you will be to
receive and follow the Spirit as you help those over whom you have
responsibility.
The topic of same-sex attraction may make some of you uncomfortable. It is a
subject that is not talked about much in the Church setting. You hear a lot
about homosexuality in the newspaper and on TV. In this writing, I'm not
referring to gays who are out marching in the parade who are happy with their
homosexuality. I'm talking about good members of the Church who want to live the
gospel and who are struggling with feelings of same-sex attraction in their
lives and they don’t know what to do about it. I'd like to help you get a
glimpse of what they are struggling with so you can be in a better position to
help them.
Same-sex attraction is a very difficult thing for many people to understand and
show compassion for, because homosexual behavior seems so abnormal and
repulsive. However, we’re talking about a child of God who is struggling with
feelings in his life that
- he didn’t ask for,
- he doesn’t want, and
- he doesn’t know what to do with.
And we owe it to him as Church leaders to help him
- identify them,
- work through them, and
- live the gospel.
If you haven’t dealt with same-sex attraction as a leader yet, it is not
because the problem doesn’t exist in your ward, but because people are afraid to
approach you as a Church leader for your help. I serve in the bishopric of a
very average ward. I am aware of 5 people in my ward who struggle with same-sex
attraction in their lives. If you think of those 5 people and consider that this
also affects their parents, brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, and other
relatives and friends, you have a significant number of people who are affected
by it and who all need the help of Church leaders to deal with it.
I am a personal witness that same-sex attraction can be overcome because I have
overcome it in my life. I grew up in a pretty normal Mormon family. My father
was absent for some years. When I was younger, I didn’t realize I had homosexual
problems. I thought what I experienced were normal sexual attractions. I didn’t
realize (or didn't admit to myself) that my attractions were toward males. I
tried to be good and thought they would go away. I dutifully served a mission
and returned home and got married. In 1986, after four years of marriage and
three kids, I finally admitted I had same-sex attractions.
For the next three years, I struggled in the dark, not knowing what to do or who
to turn to for help. In July 1989, God lead me to the right therapist and
support groups and thus began my journey out. Over the next four years, I
concentrated on
- personal study, prayer, journaling, and building a relationship with
Heavenly Father,
- reaching out and building healthy male relationships, and
- individual therapy for 5 months and support group meetings for 3 ½ yrs.
It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it was worth it. I have
struggled with other difficult things in my life, but they pale in comparison
with the emotional and physical struggle this was.
I no longer struggle with same-sex attraction. It no longer controls my life. I
am at peace. I feel I have resolved my same-sex attractions. I use that
word purposely. I not suppressing the feelings. I have filled the
underlying needs, and the problems are resolved.
Homosexuality is a complex issue. I believe it’s one of Satan’s most clever
traps to steal the blessings of the priesthood, the temple, and eternal life
from God’s children. The way out is through the gospel of Jesus Christ—but since
it is such a clever trap, people usually need professional as well as
ecclesiastical help to find their way.
The problem is not genetic–it's developmental.
What does it mean to “overcome same-sex attraction?” The goal is not
to suppress feelings and behavior through willpower—that only yields
short-term results, eventually frustration, and discouragement. The goal is to
resolve the underlying issues that create the attractions. It requires a lot
of introspection, usually therapy, and lots of support through the process.
Transition out of same-sex attraction
You can refer to other sections of this Web site to see all things a person
needs to do—and they are somewhat different for each person—but they all fall
into two major categories:
1. Eliminating homosexual behavior. This may not be easy, especially when they
involve obsessions, compulsions, and addictions. It is certainly not easier than
asking an alcoholic to give up his drink—especially when there are unmet
emotional needs fueling the fire. It was all I could think about. I was consumed
by it. Remember, I was raised in the Church and understood the blessings of an
eternal family. But I was so caught up in the positive strokes I got from other
men and was so emotionally needy that at one point I was close to giving up my
wife, children, temple marriage, and the Church for a man I had known only a few
weeks.
2. Reducing or eliminating the same-sex desires. This is a by-product of working
on underlying issues, such as developing a secure self concept and male
identity, and developing fulfilling relationships with other men. As men
resolved these underlying issues, the homosexual desires decrease. Some may
reach the point where they have no attractions at all. For others, some
attractions may continue, but they learn to cope with them without being
overwhelmed by them.
How to respond
We know we should show Christ-like love and not act shocked when someone
confesses. But in reality, hearing someone confess to homosexual behavior may be
a bombshell and you may need time to process your own feelings. Now is the time
to begin to understand and process your feelings so you can be ready to extend
help.
Let me suggest eight points to consider:
1. Be thankful he told you. Tell him you are glad he doesn’t have to deal
with it alone. Let him feel some relief from having come to you.
2. Show compassion. A friend of mine tells the story of when he confessed to
his bishop. The bishop began the interview in a chair next to my friend, but as
my friend began to explain his problems, the bishop stood up and moved to a
chair across the room. Needless to say, my friend felt rejected by the bishop.
Remember that people need to feel the Savior’s love through you.
3. Don’t try to fix it for him. Hold him fully accountable. It is his
responsibility and don't let him transfer the responsibility to you.
4. Help him learn to rely on the Lord. Help him increase his spiritual
connection to his Heavenly Father. As I began to address by problems, I was
torn, not knowing how to reconcile the gospel with the homosexual feelings. I
was distant from God. But through the experiences I have had, I have learned a
lot about patience, mercy, and repentance. I have learned about the workings of
a loving Heavenly Father in my life. I am a lot less judgmental than I used to
be. I’ve learned that sometimes people have internal struggles that are
tremendous, and I appreciate them for their courage—even though outwardly they
may not think they measure up to other people. I don’t think I would have
learned this lesson had I not had the struggles I’ve had.
5. Help him get involved in mainstream activities. Involve him on the ward
basketball team. Years later, no one will remember who won, but he’ll always
remember if he was left out.
6. Provide support through the process. Help him be involved with family,
leaders, friends, a therapist, and a carefully-chosen support group.
7. Maintain confidentiality. Especially with people who experience same-sex
attraction, trust is a big issue. Any breach of confidence on your part will be
viewed as betrayal. Another reason to keep things confidential is that others
may shun him if they know his problems and what he needs most is their
acceptance and involvement. You can explain to others that this person needs
their friendship and nourishment without divulging the reasons why.
8. Use all the resources available. The Church has published a booklet on the
subject and LDS authors have written books. See the
bookstore. If you have a local LDS Family Services office, they can lend
support. Evergreen maintains a network of resources to LDS Family Services
offices, independent therapists, and appropriate support groups. Evergreen also
holds a yearly conference and publishes other useful information.
Click here to see other resources available.
Advice for fathers
Let me conclude with two points of advice for fathers:
1. A rite of passage is an event that helps young people make transitions in
their life. These ceremonies of manhood can be powerful, life-changing moments
where, in the presence of dad and other men, a boy can mark either his progress
toward or passage into manhood. Mormon culture has many rituals of passage, such
as the blessing of children, baptism, priesthood ordinations, missions, and
temple marriage. Anciently, Greek boys took an oath of allegiance to the city;
today, LDS boys take the oath and covenant of the priesthood. In ancient
cultures, men were given swords and shields to defend themselves; temple rites
today give the garment of the priesthood as a defense. Talks before and after
these events can have a tremendous impact. In these talks, don't give your son a lecture on
why the priesthood is important, but explain what you feel and explore what he
is feeling. This is marvelous opportunity to connect emotionally and build
a deeper relationship. Your son's first date or first kiss can be emotionally
traumatic–especially if he has nervous or ambivalent
feelings.
2. It is common for men who experience homosexual attractions to have poor
relationships with their fathers. Even if a father and son get along, it may be
that they don’t really know each other very well or particularly enjoy spending
time with each other. It is important that a boy have a healthy emotional
relationship with his father. Even if the son is now an adult, those boyhood
needs may still exist and an improved relationship with his father may help fill
some of those needs. Fathers are responsible for more than just the physical
needs of their sons. More important than feeding and clothing them, fathers have
a responsibility to nurture their emotional development and teach them values
and morals. The sons’ emotional development is critical during the ages of five
to fifteen. But many fathers are emotionally absent during these critical years.
If they are not away physically, they may be so busy earning a living and
fulfilling Church callings that they either don’t have the time to devote to
their sons, dare not take the risk, or are so drained by other responsibilities
that they have no emotional energy left. Elder Mark E. Petersen gave good
counsel for fathers when he said, "Would each father be willing to spend one
hour a day with his son if he knew that the boy’s very salvation depended upon
it? Oh, I know there are many of you who will say you do not have time. I know
that some of you will say that business is too demanding and you cannot spare
the time from your job and your other exacting assignments, but I would like to
tell you that there is not a job in the world as important to you as your son.
If you are so busy that you cannot be a companion to your son so that you can
help to save his soul, you are too busy, and you need to readjust. If you will
be a companion to him, and if you will keep the standards of the Church, and in
that companionship teach those standards to your son, as that boy watches you
observe those high principles, he will have respect both for you and those
principles and will be converted to them, and thereby you will place him on the
high road to salvation. (Mark E. Petersen, Conference Report, Oct. 1954,
pp. 18–19.) When fathers spend excessive amounts of time at work or in Church callings,
there is less time and emotional energy available for their wives and children.
If fathers don’t spend quality time with their sons, the sons may develop a
number of problems, one of which may be homosexual attractions. A father should
remember that his family always comes before his employment and Church
responsibilities.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I pray God’s richest blessings as you work
with those who want to overcome their problems and reach their full
potential.
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