To be effective, a mentor must have several characteristics. No one can be
the perfect embodiment of these characteristics. A good mentor must
demonstrate self-confidence and good moral character. That is, he must have
achieved a sense of masculine competence of his own.
A good mentor must have strong gender identity. That is, he must feel good
about himself as a man. This does not mean being super macho. Being super
macho is actually a sign of weak gender identification. Evidence of sound
gender security includes the lack of defensiveness or the need to prove
anything to anyone, and active participation in his masculine roles, e.g.
father, husband, provider, ecclesiastical leader, male friendships, and
male-typical activities. In addition males with good gender identification
relate respectfully and well to women. He respects and likes women and it
shows. In essence, he should enjoy every aspect of being a man.
A good mentor will have good ego-strength. What this means is that he does
not get his feelings hurt easily and has no problem saying 'no." Mentoring
can be very trying, and requires tenacity for the long haul. Same sex
attraction does not form overnight and even with motivated clients it does
not go away overnight. The mentor's self-esteem cannot depend on the success
of his mentee. He must remain positive, loving, and encouraging, no matter
how badly his mentee fails.
Men who struggle with SSA can be at the same time emotionally needy and
defensively detached. This means they long for emotional contact with men
but fear being hurt. At the first sign of abandonment they can become
defensive and even reactive which may be interpreted as condescendence. The
mentor can never take the defensiveness personally and must be able to set
limits on the emotional neediness.
A good mentor must be emotionally available. He must be comfortable with his
own feelings and able to share these with the mentee. He must be comfortable
with his own weaknesses, failures, embarrassments, and fears and e able to
share these with the mentee at times when this type of disclosure would be
helpful. He must be able to hear the mentee talk about his fears, anger,
feelings of inadequacy, and pain without becoming anxious or needing to
minimize or fix them. It is not the job of the mentor to know what the
mentee should do or to fix them. This very important. The mentor's job is to
be present over the long haul and emotionally supportive. The mentor is
neither the mentee's moral authority or therapist and does not need to take
responsibility for or direct him in these ways. Men who struggle with SSA
badly need both spiritual direction and therapeutic help, but this not the
role of the mentor.
While th mentor must be emotionally available, the mentor should not lean on
the mentee for emotional support. The mentor relationship mirrors the
relationship of a healthy father-son dynamic. In this dynamic, the father
provides for the son but the son does not provide for the father. Fathers
get their needs met in the adult world while children seek their emotional
support from their parents.
A good mentor must be physically affectionate. Many people believe that
being physically affectionate with men who struggle with SSA will exacerbate
their symptoms. Nothing could be further from the truth. Men who struggle
with SSA are afraid of male affection. It is precisely this fear that makes
male affection so intensely sexually interesting. As long as the mentor has
a strong gender identity, there is no chance of the encounter becoming
sexual. This is exactly the kind of safety the mentee needs to experiment
with allowing himself to genuinely love and need non-sexual male affection.
The deepest longing of the man who struggles with SSA is not for sex. It is
for love and affirmation.
Finally, a mentor must pursue the relationship with the mentee. The mentee
at the core does not rust that the mentor could ever be genuinely interested
in him and at the same time, need nothing from him. This is a continuation
of the father-child injury. For this reason the mentee will not be the
initiator in the relationship. This will be re-enacted in the mentoring
relationship. In addition, when there is any confusion or conflict the
mentee is very likely to assume he did something wrong and withdraw or
devalue the relationship. The mentor is very likely to assume he did
something wrong and withdraw or devalue the relationship. The mentor must
remember that the withdrawal from or devaluing of the relationship is a
defense ( usually unconscious) against the intense need and longing for the
love and affirmation of an idealized male. The mentor must not take anything
personally and continue to gently but actively pursue the mentee.
Men who struggle with SSA long for a non-anxious connection with men. The
mentor needs to take initiative in identifying activities that will be fun
for both and yet not too anxiety provoking for the mentee. The mentor should
explore common interest such as art, music, theater, cars, or sports. Both
can introduce each other to the things they individually enjoy. Over time,
the relationship will develop that will allow more risks to be taken with
the fear of humiliation.
Some men who struggle with SSA have defensively detached from masculinity so
extensively that almost any male-typical activity will trigger a
fear/inadequacy response. In the beginning, even watching a basketball game
may be too much. Defensive detachment seldom is expressed as fear. A mentee
will probably never say, "I'm afraid of appearing stupid if I watch a game
with you." They are much more likely to express disinterest such as, "I have
never seen the pint of football. It is nothing but egotistical male
aggression.!!" The mentor must see through this defense and slowly encourage
his mentee to be a part of the world of men. This can only happen over time
and when trust is established. It is not necessary for all men who struggle
with SSA to become NFL fans. They must however develop to the point that
they can attend a Super Bowl party or a church softball game without feeling
overwhelmed with anxiety and inadequacy.
Learning to play and be competitive at team sports is often a problem for
men who struggle with SSA/ They should be encouraged to do so, however, this
should be approached with extreme caution. Even encouragement in this area
can trigger significant fear, which leads to compulsions to act out. This
often an area of significant childhood injury and avoidance is well
established. It is typical for these men to gravitate toward individual
sports such as track, swimming, diving, and ice-skating to avoid being a
member of a team. They feel inadequate to perform in a situation where other
men rely on them in competition. Even minor failures in a team sport can be
experienced as devastating inadequacy and overwhelming humiliation. It may
be wise to consult the mentee's therapist before approaching this issue.
It is important to include the mentee in your family events. many men who
struggle with SSA come from families with poor dynamics and so have a
distorted view of family.
Encourage Church-based activities but go slowly. Church attendance can
increase anxiety, which in turn can led to increased sexual compulsion. Seek
feedback from your mentee. They know what the need. Be open to their
suggestions and trust them. If at any point you hurt or disappoint your
mentee, sincerely apologize without making excuses. It may be their first
experience of humility from an authority figure. This can be very healing.
Use their talents. Never evaluate their talents in terms of the masculinity
of the activity. All men are created by God, completely masculine. Their
preferences, talents, and feelings are completely masculine. Everything
about them is completely masculine. The thing men who struggle with SSA lack
is an internalized sense (feeling) of masculine adequacy. There is no
objective think that he is lacking. The last thing they need is to have a
man they respect infer, even indirectly, that they are in some way less than
completely male.
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