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Each of us has to find our own way of dealing with homosexuality. For
some, their choice is to espouse the gay community and "come out." For
others, the choice is to move away from homosexuality and find a way out of
it. The choice to move away from it is no less valuable than the choice to
espouse it. In fact, the choice to resolve the issues in our lives that
caused the homosexual condition is a choice for growth and self expansion.
Deciding to resolve homosexuality is a major life choice. Since
homosexuality is the outward manifestation of unresolved issues that are
central to your personality, deciding to work on these issues involves
re-evaluating your core person and working to change it.
Have you decided that you want to resolve homosexuality in your life? Do you
understand what that struggle will mean? This section outlines some things
to consider as you make these important life decisions.
Step 1: Define your personal values
The first step in this process is to determine your personal beliefs and
core values that you hold dear. I would suggest that you spend a
considerable amount of time thinking about your inner values and writing
them down.
As I went through this process myself, I realized that I couldn't just
accept the beliefs of my family or of society, but had to identify what
mattered most to me so I could make decisions based on that. In a sense, it
was getting in touch with my inner self and clarifying for myself what I
believe to be true. It meant identifying my own beliefs as separate from
those of others. I had to question my testimony. Did I believe things
because others around me believe them or did I believe them of myself? Once
I discovered for myself what is eternally true, and internalized those
values, I could make choices based on that and not waste time trying to
change what is everlastingly true or arguing that it had no right to be
true.
Now, I must warn you of a liability in this process. Once you determine what
is personally valuable to you, you can never blame anyone else or hold a
grudge because someone forced you to do something. Obtaining self-clarity
empowers you to do things because you want to do them. You no longer perform
out of duty, or respect, or fear. Your discipline comes from within and you
find you have the will and integrity to subordinate your desires and
impulses to the values you determine are important to you. In a sense, it is
a process of creating a deeper conscience, a deep inner awareness of the
values that govern your behavior. You act how you want to act. You look to
yourself and to no one else. And you find that you can become the master of
yourself.
One problem I have seen with many people who try to make changes in their
lives is that they blame their failures on a lack of discipline. While
discipline is important, it is not enough. If you struggle day-by-day and
decision-by-decision trying to change behavior by self-discipline alone, you
will likely fail. If each time you are faced with a temptation, you have to
decide which choice you will make, you will finally tire and make wrong
choices. The problem is not that you have a weak will, but that your values
and priorities have not become deeply planted in your mind and in your
heart. You need a firm foundation rooted in the principles and core values
you determine are personally important to you. How much better it is to
decide once and for all what you will be and what you will do! Then each
time you are faced with an alternative, you already have the decision made
and merely need to yield to it. How much better to give in to the right
choice than to give in to the wrong one! When we act in accordance with our
core values, we feel personal satisfaction and increased feelings of
self-worth. (For a more in-depth discussion on this topic, you may wish to
read The 10 Natural Laws of Successful Time and Life Management, by
Hyrum Smith, Warner Books, New York.)
Step 2: Consider your options
When I finally faced homosexuality in my life, I felt torn between the
values I had been raised with (and felt strongly about personally) and these
desires that seemed to be at odds with my personal values. When I finally
realized what my feelings were (and used the "h" word for the first time), I
was happily married and had children. I loved them very much and felt secure
in my marriage. Nevertheless, the pull of homosexual desires was so strong
that my life was turned upside down. The gay world told me I should be true
to myself and act on my feelings. I was told that if I suppressed this
new-found sexuality, I would some day regret all the life experiences I
would have missed. I soon realized, however, that I couldn't experiment with
these sexual desires on the side and at the same time pretend to be a
faithful Mormon husband and father. If I didn't want to live a double
standard, I had to make a decision. Should I leave my wife and family and
dive head first into the gay world? It seemed pretty alluring. My Mormon
life seemed pretty dull compared to the excitement and mystique of the gay
life! I saw a gay lifestyle as powerfully alluring. It appeared romantic and
sensual, and at the same time outrageous and enticing. I found it hard to be
objective, because rational thinking would quickly get swept away by the
emotional fascination. I finally had to sit down and write on paper all the
pro's and con's I could think of. The following is the list I wrote in my
journal:
Should I move out and accept the lifestyle?
Pro
- Stop being a hypocrite
- No hiding
- No lying
- Could accept myself as I am and wouldn't have to try to change.
- Freedom with my time to pursue hobbies, travel, exercise, and business
ventures to make more money.
- Could live with (name), whom I feel deeply for. I've only known him 6
weeks
- I can't be sealed to him and a romantic relationship with him can't
last forever
Con
- Increased financial obligations (two households, two cars, etc.)
- Would lose
my wife, whom I feel deeply for. I've known her 8 years. I'm already sealed to
her Romantic relationship with wife can last forever [and I could also have
(name) as a friend forever].
- Limited access to children. Could not be the
father to them that I want to be.
- I would be excommunicated from the Church.
- Would lose my job, risk losing all my investments, and perhaps bankruptcy.
- Eternal joy and progression would be limited until I began living as I
should
I then wrote in my journal about the risks, my needs, and my fears.
Risks: After a few years, I'll probably decide I really want what I had.
Even after I made the long trek back and was rebaptized, my wife and
children would likely be gone forever and I'd have to start over again at
nearly age 40.
Needs: I need the love of a man. Even with the love of a wife and family, I
feel a big emotional deficit. I hurt inside and am left wanting.
Fears: If I were to try to change, I am afraid I may not be able to, and I
would continue trying to live the lie for many years while I see my
relationship with my wife deteriorate.
Step 3: Discern truth from error
As you evaluate your options, consider the following three questions to
help clarify your thinking:
- Who am I?
- Why am I here on earth?
- Where am I going after this life?
Truthful answers to these three questions will remind you of eternal
principles you should consider as you make your decisions. [You may also
wish to read "Choices", by Russell M. Nelson, Ensign, Nov. 1990, pp. 73 74.]
You are a child of a Heavenly Father who has sent you on a mission to earth
to learn and grow and return to Him. Remember that He has given you divine
gifts to help you along your way. If you have received a patriarchal
blessing, find it and read it. It should give you insights into your
potential and remind you that your decisions have eternal consequences for
you and will also affect the lives of other people. Ask your father or
bishop for a priesthood blessing to give you additional insight as you as
make these important life decisions. If you have received your endowments,
reflect on the covenants you made there and remember the promises that were
made to you. You are part of a chosen generation reserved to live on the
earth in these last days. You have an important mission to fulfill, which
for some reason includes homosexual trials. The decisions you make will
determine the course your life will take. Be sure to make choices that will
give you eternal joy rather than temporary happiness.
If we are anchored to the correct understanding of who we are, why we are
here on this earth, and where we can go after this mortal life, Satan cannot
threaten our happiness through any form of temptation. If we are determined
to live by Heavenly Father's plan, we will use our God-given moral agency to
make decisions based on revealed truth, not on the opinions of others or on
the current thinking of the world. Those who understand our Heavenly
Father's eternal plan for the joy and happiness of his children will be
better prepared to make good choices. If we truly believe that we are his
children and are here on earth to learn to live, by faith, the teachings and
the commandments of God, we will make the choices that will qualify us to
one day return to live in His presence. M. Russell Ballard [Ensign,
May 1995, p. 24]
Be careful about how far you trust your feelings. Emotional feelings can be
fleeting and can change from time to time. If you always pursue your current
whim, you will be tossed to and fro by every emotional whim. Feelings are
important to follow because the Holy Ghost works through feelings and
impressions, however you need to be careful to follow only those that you
believe are from the Holy Ghost and that are in line with revealed truth.
These promptings will come from deep within and can be distinguished from
the surface emotions that may change from time to time. Those who have
homosexual problems often have very confused and fleeting emotional
feelings, so be careful not to interpret these emotional feelings as deeper
impressions from the Holy Ghost.
". . . the Spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not. Wherefore, it speaketh
of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be . . ."
Jacob 4:13
There are a host of lies today that tell us that homosexuality is a normal,
healthy, alternative lifestyle. Even people in the church are sometimes
beguiled by Satan's clever twists of the truth, and they begin to think that
they know more than the leaders of the church about the needs of people who
struggle with homosexual desires. With a sincere desire to help, these
people write letters to church leaders, and pray that God will inspire the
Brethren to understand homosexuality and change church policies to be more
favorable toward those who have homosexual desires. But the truth is that
the leaders of the church have already seriously considered homosexual
issues and have a clear understanding of what God would have them do. There
will likely never be a major revelation on homosexuality that will become a
section in the Doctrine and Covenants and answer all our questions. But I
likewise don't see a section in the Doctrine and Covenants about how to
overcome alcoholism or other such conditions. Revelations of this type come
individually. The gospel already has all the answers we need, and we can
receive individual revelation as we need it to understand how to apply
gospel principles to our specific problems.
By the power and gift of the Holy Ghost, we can know what to do and what not
to do to bring happiness and peace to our lives. James E. Faust [Ensign,
May 1989, p. 31.]
As I started to evaluate my options, I wrote down in my journal three
guidelines that I determined I needed to follow personally:
Don't give in to the current you (with homosexual desires); give in to the
real you (a child of God with divine potential). Don't suppress the deeper
feelings within you (the Light of Christ). Don't live a double life; be
morally clean.
Much later in the process, I reflected back on where I was, and recorded the
following in my journal:
What I wanted from a gay lifestyle
Relationships: I searched for love in all the wrong places. Now I am
learning how to build healthy relationships. I am meeting new people at my
support group meetings, at therapy group, and at the sports program. I am
also learning how to reach out and build relationships with straight men at
work and at church.
Romance: I wanted men to love me and care about me, and I tried to feel it
through a romantic involvement with them. I now I realize that the physical
involvement destroys any hope of real love and caring. I can develop caring
relationships with men, but I can only have a romantic relationship with my
wife. I need to date my wife more and spend weekends away occasionally to
awaken the romantic feelings we have. We need to go out dancing.
Excitement: In the gay lifestyle, I found new friends and new activities
that added much excitement to my life. However, I can feel the thrill of
exciting activities with straight male friends (water-skiing, SCUBA diving,
river running, windsurfing, etc.).
Individuality: Involvement in the gay lifestyle was a way to prove that I
wasn't a dull, stereotypical Mormon. I need to find healthy, constructive
ways to show my individuality.
Intrigue: The gay lifestyle is exciting because it is a mystery to most of
the world. Most people don't know about it and don't want to know about it.
I enjoyed its mystique. However, there are other ways I can feel that same
excitement. I am now helping in a pioneering effort to apply new theories to
counseling and support groups to help myself and others resolve
homosexuality in our lives. I can write materials to help families, church
leaders, and even those who have homosexual feelings to understand the
issues.
Freedom: I want to feel I have freedom to do what I want, when I want. As I
come to trust myself more, and earn my wife's trust, I'll feel less confined
and more free. As I bring my actions more in line with my value system, I'll
realize that when I am doing what I really want to do I am free.
Step 4: Decide and commit
After prayerfully evaluating your options, make a decision.
". . . you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be
right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within
you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. But if it be not right you
shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that
shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong . . . ." D&C 9:8-9
A decision alone is not enough. You need to make a firm commitment to follow
through, no matter how hard the way. If you really believe you can be free
of unwanted homosexual desires and behaviors, and that your life can be
happier because of it, you must make a solemn commitment to do whatever you
have to do to achieve it. The worst thing you can do is to make a
half-hearted effort, fail, and then become convinced that you cannot
overcome homosexuality.
Speaking on how to get control of our lives, Steven Covey said "As we make
and keep commitments, even small commitments, we begin to establish an inner
integrity that gives us the awareness of self-control and the courage and
strength to accept more of the responsibility for our own lives. By making
and keeping promises to ourselves and others, little by little, our honor
becomes greater than our moods." [The Seven Habits of Highly Effective
People Calendar, 8 Feb 96.]
As a member of Christ's church, you have made sacred covenants with Him. You
have taken upon yourself the name of Christ (see D&C 18:28; 20:29, 37). You
have promised to always remember Him and to keep His commandments, and in
return He has agreed to grant you His Spirit to be with you (see Moroni 4:3;
5:2; D&C 20:77). [See also "Choices", Russell M. Nelson, Ensign, Nov. 1990,
pp. 73 74.] Covenants should not be taken lightly. We draw strength from
making and keeping covenants. Elder Packer gave an address in general
conference about the choice to live a gay lifestyle and how it relates to
covenants. ["Covenants," by Boyd K. Packer, Ensign, Nov. 1990,
pp.84-86.]
Step 5: Follow through
Once you make important life decisions that are in harmony with your
inner values and make commitments to follow through with them, it doesn't
necessarily mean that the way will be easy. Over the years, you have likely
developed pretty sophisticated methods of denying or avoiding pain and
difficult situations. By now, you probably have realized that these ways of
getting short-term relief have turned into your long-term enslavers. It will
take some work now to change these methods of denial and avoidance into more
healthy ways of facing problems honestly. It will likely be painful and
there will at times be feelings of rejection and failure. But it will be
worth it to become truly free. And if you have friends, family, your bishop,
a support group, and God on your side, you shouldn't feel alone in the
process.
Adapted from the book Resolving Homosexual Problems: A Guide for LDS Men,
by Jason Park. Copyright © 1996 by Century Publishing, PO Box 11307,
Salt Lake City, UT 84147. This document may be duplicated and shared
electronically for personal use as long as it is copied in its entirety.
This notice must appear on all copies. You may reach the author at
jasonpark@centurypubl.com.
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