Layne's testimony |
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Writing these thoughts on paper make them that much more real, much like looking at ones own reflection in a mirror. Sometimes you truly admire what you see, other times, you wonder just whom or what the image is that is starting back. Many times looking into the glass brings feelings of great joy and peace, but often, feelings of shame, grief, and sorrow. Growing up as the oldest of four children, I was always expected to shoulder much of the responsibilities in the care of my younger siblings, because of my parent’s involvement in many civic and community organizations and other activities that took them away from home. Yes, my grandparents did live next door in case of any problem that might arise, but I cannot help but feel as if I have missed a lot. First, I missed just being a kid. And second, I missed valuable time with my father – time that I needed to be taught and nurtured. I can’t say that he didn’t make attempts. It was that he tried to teach me things to be just like him, even though my interests were and are entirely different than his. It frustrated him that I didn’t enjoy being covered up to my elbows in oil and grease from working with him on his latest automotive project, or not excelling in Little League Baseball as the little fat boy out in right field. My interests were better served helping my mother with cooking, sewing, and other more traditional female roles. My mother, grandmother, and aunts taught me well. My dad on several occasions made the statement: “Someday you’ll make someone a good wife.” As a young kid I was the “Fat Boy” and so I didn’t have many friends. I was always the last to be chosen when picking teams. And my idea of a good time was not sitting in front of the TV watching a football or baseball game, or going down to the park for a game of football. Much of the time I was feeling like a square peg being forced into a round whole. As a young man in Jr. High I found a whole new group of friends – or at least that’s what I thought. At least they paid attention to me and made me feel wanted and needed. These were friendships and relationships that I had longed for; guys that allowed me to be myself. As these relationships grew and matured, so did our curiosity and sexual fascination. These relationships became unhealthy, but at the time our lack of masculine nurturing was being fulfilled. I’m sure that my story is similar to so many others. The only difference would be the names and places. Yes, I have suffered with guilt and shame–sometimes becoming all-consuming–for many years hiding these emotions and feelings behind some very tall dark thick walls. Somewhere that only I myself knew. Marriage to a loving wife helped to suppress many of these feelings. As with most things we try to hide, they have a tendency to become like a boil. It starts out as a small inflamed sore with a hard core but beneath the surface of the skin you find a large cist filled with infection. Three years ago this so-called boil became so large and painful that it became necessary to seek help to remove it. Finding a great therapist helped to guide me through this sometimes painful, but necessary, task. He helped by challenging me to share this struggle with those who mattered most, especially my wife. He helped me prepare for any outcome. Tad’s wisdom ad guidance gave me the strength and courage to share this. He instilled within me the knowledge that I am a Son of God, I am of infinite worth, and that God loves me unconditionally. He opened my eyes to the fact that I have been very blessed, especially with a loving and understanding wife who overlooks my shortcomings and weaknesses, and who is also always at the ready to help other spouses who are in search of comfort and answers. To her I am very grateful for her patience and sacrifice. I am also very grateful to me Heavenly Father and for his sacrifice of his Son who took upon himself all of our sins and afflictions, so that we might be able, through His atoning sacrifice, to return to His presence. In closing I would like to thank all those who have been a part of my healing process, especially the great family of friends that I have associated with in these past three years. Tad – my counselor, my brother, my friend – thank you for pushing me in the right direction, of knowing that I am of worth and that I am the one who controls my destiny. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen. |