A Mother's Perspective

by Kathy B.

It was just a year and two weeks ago that our son came to us and told us of the feelings he had been living with since he was nine years old. At that time he was sexually abused by his grandfather, a fact we were not made aware of for another ten years.

Over those years living with Andy was like being on an emotional roller coaster. Although he did score well on aptitude tests he began to struggle in school and seemed to have problems getting along with other people, especially other family members. He became a loner in public and hard to deal with at home, a situation which seemed to worsen with each passing year. Because we had so knowledge of what he was dealing with, all our efforts to help him were not having a lot of success.

Then in high school he seemed to have more successes. He became actively involved in music groups and in drama and he made a lot of new friends. I was aware that several of his friends professed to be gay and were living that life-style. I was concerned about the seemingly open acceptance of this by him and so many of his peers, but never in my wildest dreams did I suspect that he was experiencing some of those same feelings. He had a relationship with one of his friends in 10th and 11th grade which we knew nothing about, and relationships between he and the rest of the family continued to be stormy.

That summer his friends moved out of state, and Andy went into deep depression although at the time we had no idea what was wrong with him. When school started he was absent a lot and slept all the time, covering his windows with blankets to shut out all the light.

During all this time he had several girlfriends and seemed to relate to them in a normal way, which we now know was so no one would suspect his true feelings.

When he was nineteen he received a mission call and prepared to leave. Then just a few weeks before his departure date, he underwent a severe emotional crisis during which he told us of the abuse he has suffered at the hands of others and asked to be admitted to the hospital for treatment of depression and suicidal feelings.

Then commenced several years of counseling to deal with the abuse he had suffered. As time went on and his counseling progressed, I was aware of an increasing attitude of criticism on his part toward the Church. I knew many of the people in his counseling group were dealing with SSA issues, and again he sympathized with their feelings and seemed to buy into the worldly ideology that they were born that way, that they didn’t choose to be that way and that there was nothing they could do about it.

Day by day he seemed to grow more distant from, and questioning of everything he had ever believed. He also seemed very troubled and despondent. He asked to be admitted to the hospital again for depression and was there for several weeks trying to work through all his feelings. I prayed constantly that the Lord would send people and experiences into his life that would help him to deal with whatever his problems were and that he would be able to confide in us.

Through a friend Andy heard about Evergreen and decided to call the number just to be able to say he had explored all his options. He was told about the upcoming Evergreen conference and his friend suggested he bring his parents. This is when he decided to come to me and tell me of his same sex attraction and all of the feelings and events of his life since he was nine years old. He said he felt that changing this orientation was useless and that he was at a point in his life where he was ready to find someone and be in a relationship rather than be consigned to a life by himself without someone to love.

I don’t remember all that we talked about that night, but I did tell him that I knew the Lord did not create him to have that kind of a life, and that there had to be an answer for him somewhere. He said that the people at Evergreen believe change is possible and he wanted to go to the upcoming conference with us.

My husband and I and Andy attended the conference together. I wish I could express my feelings as we walked through the door. I came feeling apprehensive and anxious, feelings both my husband and Andy shared. As I walked through the door I was overwhelmed by the Spirit I felt there, a feeling I have never felt so strongly at any other time in my life. I knew we were where we needed to be and that here we would find the answers we were searching for.

The conference was an incredible experience for all of us. We learned so much about SSA and began the process of understanding all the factors that contribute to the problem. We learned that the condition can be dealt with and eventually overcome. We learned how important good friends and loving, supportive families can be in aiding recovery. We learned how helpful it can be to listen to others who are dealing with this issue in their lives, and their friends and families, and how they are coping with their situations on a day-to-day basis. We felt the wonderful spirit that was present as we attended the classes and general sessions.

As we neared the end of the conference we all felt very reluctant to see it end because of all the help and support we had felt and also because of all the special friends we had made. What a thrill to find out that we didn’t have to leave all that behind. We could become involved in support groups such as the Friends and Family group which meets once a month. My husband and I began attending that group and have both felt that we need to be more involved in this organization, not only to show support for Andy and learn more about SSA, but we feel that the Lord wants us involved in this work. Everyone is at different stages of understanding and dealing with this issue. It is so important that we meet together to talk informally and share our feelings and the things we have learned, but more importantly to bear one another’s burdens, and support and strengthen each other.

At the conference Andy didn’t find any quick or simple answers to his problems or even have a lot of confidence in his ability to change his feelings. He did, however, come to know the reality that God is there for him and cares about those who are struggling and that with His help change is possible. After one of the sessions he said,” Mom, I have always known what was true, but it was like a dark curtain and let in the light and I can see again. Seeing his faith restored has given me hope that he can and will be successful.

Being involved with the Evergreen organization has taught me new dimensions of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I have learned new meanings of the concepts of patience, long suffering, repentance, forgiveness, understanding and love. I have learned to keep praying and never give up on those you love, just as a parent spends more time with the child who is having problems, I know that the Lord loves and cares for all of his children who are struggling with this problem, and will give extra time and guidance to help all who struggle to be successful in overcoming.