Jeff's testimony

            I’d like to start out by telling you about a couple of guys I knew growing up. We lived in the same town, went to the same schools, played on the same baseball teams. Derek was probably my best friend. He was very independent, smart, popular, well behaved, and boy did he know how to flirt with the girls. He was a very good son who never gave his parents any problems. He really enjoyed going on vacations with his family. They had a boat and sometimes I would get to go on the lake with them and we would have a lot of fun fishing with his dad, water skiing, swimming and jumping off the high cliffs into the water.

            When we were juniors in high school, Derek joined the church. He loved the Lord and as he embraced the gospel he thirsted for knowledge and hungered to be of service in the kingdom. When he turned nineteen he went on a mission and grew in strength and testimony. After he got home, he did exactly what he was supposed to do and got married, went to school, and started a family. He loved serving in many capacities. It was great to see his growth in the church and in the gospel. I envied him.

            Brian on the other hand, was quite the opposite of Derek; quiet, shy, and reserved. He was very intelligent and always did well in school, but there was something different about him. He seemed driven to perform. Everything had to be done just right, but nothing he did seemed good enough for him. His house was the nicest one on the block with beautiful flowerbeds, a yard that was meticulously mowed and trimmed, and a huge garden that was tilled and spaded to perfection. It was a great place to go when we were hungry. Going in the house was like walking into a sterile operating room. His mother was an immaculate housekeeper, and there was never a speck of dirt to be found. She even mopped the ceilings. We were afraid to make tracks on the freshly raked shag carpet or to make messes of any kind, because we knew we would get yelled at.

            I liked Brian, but there was something about him I didn’t understand. He was a good pal, but there were times he would get very moody and shut himself off from everyone. I knew he tried hard to do what was right and hated to make mistakes, but no matter how hard he tried, he seemed to get in trouble. I knew there a few problems at home, because his parents were divorced when he was 18. But it wasn’t until long after we were adults that he had the courage to tell me what growing up for him was really like. He was a sensitive child who hate to be teased and called names like “freckle face” and “carrot top”. He felt insecure around people and didn’t socialize much. Brian knew that he deserved to be hit with the belt whenever he screwed up. He hated being home when his parents argued, which was often. The words were usually bitter, angry, and threatening. He was always worried they might hurt each other and he would try to protect his younger brother and sister. But he had a hot temper and sometimes he would lash out and hurt them. He loved his parents, and tried to be a good son, but his mother was often critical and demanding, and his dad was emotionally distant. There were never any hugs of I love you’s said. He was lonely and sad much of the time and never felt like he really fit in. when he was 9 or 10, he found some of his dad’s pornography hidden in his closet. He knew it was dirty, but made a habit of sneaking in and looking at it when his mom and dad were at work. One day he found some 8mm adult films and decided to look at them too. It was exciting and somehow filled a void in his life and though he was ashamed of what he was doing and knew that it was wrong, it became a habit. He kept this part of himself very, very secret.

            Now for me. Who was I? Often I felt like I was just and observer watching these two very different boys grow up wondering where I fit in. but the truth is, there was no Derek, there was no Brian. There was only me. It was as if I had two totally different identities living within my body.

            Now for the rest of the story. After I returned from my mission I married my high school sweetheart. We tried to follow the prophet’s counsel and do everything we thought we were supposed to do. But trying to run faster than I was able created tremendous stress and when I needed to find a release, I began retreating to my childhood escape; pornography. But unlike other guys I knew, what I was attracted to most was same sex porn. At first it was just occasionally, but as the stress continued to build, it started to become more and more frequent. I began to depend on my trips to the book store as the only thing to keep me going. I kept this all very secret and my wife had no idea what was going on. One night while I was staring out there window feeling lost, alone, and frightened, she asked me what was wrong. I could only tell her that there was a part of me she would never know. How could she possibly understand something I was so clueless about myself? It was getting worse too, because it wasn’t just pornography anymore. I couldn’t understand how I could do this to myself, to my wife and children. I hated what I was doing and was determined that I could stop on my own. I didn’t need any help. I was strong. I had always done things on my own. But no matter how hard I tried, the lore was to powerful and I would give in over and again.

            One night about eight years after we were married, my wife confronted me and I finally broke down and told her what I was struggling with and that I longed just to have strong arms around me. She tried to understand, but I knew she was devastated. I was so disgusted with myself for hurting her so badly. We decided to separate for a while before making any permanent decisions. She took the kids and went to live with her parents while I stayed and worked. I was so torn. There was a part of me that wanted so badly to give up on everything I loved and embrace the gay life style, but what about my covenants, my responsibilities, my family? It was a hard decision, but deep down I knew, that what I really wanted was to be with my wife and children. So after six months we decided it was worth the effort and committed to being a family again. I was soon transferred to another city and I remember thinking,” great a new beginning, I can lick this thing once and for all”. I was mistaken. As stress bean to build again, I went back to the addiction and the sequence. Again, my wife knew nothing and I let her believe that I had completely gotten it out of my system, but the secrets kept getting darker and deeper. It was all very cyclical. I would do alright for a time and would really enjoy my family and church callings, then something would snap and the patterns would begin all over again.

            Finally 5 years ago, it was tearing me apart and I could bear it no more. I knew that I had to either completely embrace the lifestyle or find a way to permanently erase this thing from my life, which was what I really wanted, but I had no idea if that was even possible.  Nothing I had ever tried had worked. I was so confused and discouraged. During one of my darkest depressions, I heard about a group that was for Christians who believed it was possible to overcome SSA. It intrigued me and I decided to attend one of the meetings. I got there about half an hour early and sat in my car till the very last minute debating if I should really do it. What would everyone think? What if anyone I knew found out? My struggles had always been very private, didn’t know if I could share them with a group of strangers. But I did get up the courage to get out of the car and go in. I introduced myself by another name so no one would really know who I was. The night was fantastic. It felt so good to be with people who were like me and really understood. They all had feelings of SSA, but wanted to live a good Christian life. Was there hope? Could this all be possible? It almost seemed too good to be true. For the first time in my life I was getting answers. I stayed there talking until 2:00 in the morning worried sick, but when I got home, she seemed very calm. After crawling into bed I took a deep breath and told her where I had been and what I had learned. We spent the next few hours really talking.

            As I continued to go to my group meetings, I began to understand myself and the roots of SSA and for once my life started to make sense and I began to have hope. But I also knew that if I really wanted to heal that I had to come clean with my wife. She had known about the phone calls, but was oblivious to the extent of my other involvement. I had been so afraid that if I told her the whole truth, she would finally leave me, so I put it off as long as I could. But then one day all that changed. I got a call from a very distraught son telling me to meet my wife at her doctor’s office. I knew what was coming. There was no choice now but to reveal all the secrets I had kept hidden so well. I knew the doctor was going to confirm my greatest fear. My wife was HIV+. I had been tested 3 days before without her knowledge and though I had not heard from m doctor yet, I had no doubt what the results would be. Part of my avoidance had been keeping myself  ignorant about AIDS,  so I knew very little about it, only that I had probably signed my wife’s death warrant as well as my own which meant that I was going to be responsible for leaving my children orphans. Who would take care of them? Would they ever talk to e again? How could I face my wife? How could she ever forgive me for this? When I got to the doctors office, I knew by her face, she had already been told the news, but she made me go back in to the office and listen to what the doctor had to say. He told us that though there was no cure yet, the drugs available did not necessarily mean it was a terminal, but something we would probably live with the rest of our lives. On our first visit to the specialist, the nurse informed us that we both had full blown AIDS and that it had been in our bodies for a very long time. As we began our drug therapy we got so sick, we were barely able to even move. After a week I was able to return to work, but it took a much greater toll on my wife who remained very sick for a long, long time. When I saw how much she suffered, the guilt would almost drive me insane. I knew there was no hope for me now. I felt like I was killing my best friend.

            Right after being diagnosed with the HIV, I was also diagnosed with malignant melanoma that required immediate surgery. With my already compromised immune system, the chances of survival weren’t clear. It was at this point that I began to face my own mortality. I knew in my heart, the only hope for me was to allow the Savior back into my life. But the guilt was so overwhelming. After everything I had done, how could anyone love of forgive me? It just didn’t seem possible. But I longed for peace and I had to try. I couldn’t do it by myself. I had tried that route many times and always failed. So with great trepidation, I decided to really put my life in order, which meant going to the bishop and being completely honest. I had no doubt what the outcome would be and that I was going to lose something I had always cherished, my membership in the church.

            My wife was out of town when I received my letter to appear before the high council. It was the worst night of my life, but I was grateful to have a loving and understanding bishop there with me. Because of the things I had done as a Melchizedek priesthood holder and an endowed member, I was excommunicated. Now the pain was unbearable and I truly understood what hell was. Our sealing was broken and we were no longer and eternal family. Every part of my being wanted to flee to some deserted island where I couldn’t hurt anyone again.

            For a long time I was angry with God for giving me this condition in the first place. I was also angry with myself for my weaknesses and what I had done to myself and to my family. I couldn’t pray. I couldn’t attend church. I couldn’t find relief in the scriptures. I only felt pain. Many times I questioned whether or not I could really go on. But slowly I began the repentance process ad began to accept the fact that my Father in Heaven really loved me and had prepared the way for me to return to live with him. I began to understand the true meaning of the atonement and accepted what the Savior had really done for me. As I did, I began to take down the barriers that I had erected to keep to Savior at a distance. I knew that he was standing at the door knocking, but the handle was on my side and it was up to me. The process was long and difficult, but finally all the bars were gone and I opened the door of my heart to let the Savior in permanently. As I opened this door, another door finally closed. I was free from guilt. I was free from addiction. I no longer had secrets, and I no longer had the desire to be with other men.

            On July 7^th of this year my greatest desire came true, and I was re-baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ. I can stand before you today and bear my testimony that healing can happen and it can be complete. I have never had such a deep, loving relationship with my wife and family. I am so grateful for their love, their patience, and their forgiveness. Now I am looking forward to the time when all my blessings will be restored, and we can once again be an eternal family. We have had many priesthood blessings, and today the HIV is completely undetectable and currently a non-issue in our lives other that our daily meds.

            These last few months I have felt more joy and peace that I ever dreamed possible. I know that I am clean again. I can now look back and be grateful for the experiences I had, for I never would have had the growth or understanding that I now have of the plan of Salvation, and of the atonement. I will be forever grateful to my Savior for the gift he has given me. I love him and want to dedicate my life to serving him.


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