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Making Choices
Evergreen's Philosophy
Understanding same-sex attraction
Confusion, frustration, and anger
Making a way out
The transition process
Beginning your transition
 

This section is for people who feel conflicted over their same-sex attractions and want to resolve their difficulty by diminishing the effects of the attractions in their life.

Making Choices

What you do about your situation is a matter of personal choice for you. Unless you want to make a transition out of same-sex attraction-, there will be very little progress. So, if your main reason for attempting a transition is because of pressure from outside sources parents, ecclesiastical leaders, a spouse, a therapist, or society in general you might want to spend some time deciding whether you want to do it for yourself. Also, because the transition is a demanding process, it requires a strong commitment and significant sacrifice over a number of years. The great relief and joy you can gain will come only at a substantial price, but it will be worth it.   Read more about making choices

Evergreen offers help in recovery from hopelessness, frustration, and anger; in building confidence and self-esteem; in healing wounds of abuse and prejudice; and in discovery of your intrinsic nature, power, and worth.

Evergreen's Philosophy

Evergreen views same-sex attraction as an unintentionally-acquired condition that may have biological, developmental, and psychological causes. It is not a predetermined or unchangeable condition, but one that can be altered. The speed and extent of your transition will, to a large degree, be determined by your own individual set of challenges.

Evergreen distinguishes between same-sex attraction and homosexuality. Same-sex attraction is an uncommonly-intense interest in others of the same gender. This interest may include desires for their attention, friendship, and intimacy and a fascination with their bodies and other gender traits. Homosexuality is a broader term that includes same-sex attraction as well as erotic thoughts and sexual behavior involving others of the same gender.

Homosexual behavior is out of harmony with God's intentions for men and women and individuals are responsible for their actions. Same-sex attraction is not a sin, but can be very troublesome to those who experience it. Christ's atonement enables every soul the opportunity to turn away from all conditions that obstruct their temporal and eternal happiness. Healing comes from God.

Understanding same-sex attraction

Same-sex attraction has more than one type of cause. Biological, developmental, and psychological factors are all involved. The specific role of each factor varies from person to person. The world's understanding of the role of biology is limited. But those who struggle to overcome same-sex attraction report strikingly similar developmental and psychological experiences that fall into a few general patterns. One common pattern is described below.

A person has experiences with valued peers or a family member that are perceived as hurtful, abusive, or rejecting. If these experiences are extreme or recurrent, the person may feel shamed or alienated. As a defense, he or she may detach from those producing the pain. But then the person feels even more rejected and perhaps estranged.

In extreme circumstances, the person's distancing becomes generalized. The individual may expect or receive pain from others of the same gender as those who produced the original pain. This detachment can then lead to a powerful longing for interaction with and validation from others of his or her own gender. This longing may become more intense the longer it goes unfulfilled. Yet the person's generalized detachment and damaged self-esteem almost guarantee he or she will be unable to develop any healthy, meaningful relationships.

Most people learn gender roles and social skills by interacting with others of their own gender and receiving acceptance and validation from them. This process may not happen for individuals who are detached from their own gender. They may lack the necessary skills or feel too uncomfortable to interact successfully with their gender. And the lack of successful interaction means they probably won't learn their gender role in the future.

These people become very aware of others who have traits they don't have but want. Believing they will never possess those attributes, they long to experience them through another person. Throughout the process, the individuals involved typically do not understand what is happening. They almost certainly can't correct it.

As they reach puberty and begin to feel sexual urges, their situation becomes more complex. Their intense longings toward others of their own gender get mixed up with their sexual urges, creating same-sex attraction. In some cases, they engage in homosexual thoughts and behaviors. Thus homosexual behavior is the result of intense emotional and sexual pressure.

Identifying oneself as part of a misunderstood minority can increase the sense of rejection leading to more distrust and withdrawal. Distrust may extend to the religious leaders to which they are frequently counseled to turn to for help. This situation can be further complicated by substance or sexual addictions and extreme feelings of guilt and self-loathing. All these obstacles to obtaining help can be overcome if trust can be established.

This may all seem very theoretical and analytical, and it is to a degree. However, if you want to overcome these attractions, it is important to learn to recognize you own personal patterns, issues, defenses, and coping styles. Only when you realize what is happening in your life are you in a position to effect a change toward resolution, forgiveness and choice of alternate lifestyles. You can find peace!

Read more about causes of same-sex attraction

Confusion, frustration, and anger

If you feel alienated from the majority of the population, it is disorienting. You probably get messages from this majority, intended or unintended, that there is something very wrong with you. That is demeaning! And you may feel that no one is there to offer you any help. That is frustrating!

Possibly even more unsettling than these feelings is the dissonance these attractions create within your own mind. On one hand, you may feel a powerful desire to fulfill your sexual longings. On the other hand, you may have a strong belief system that precludes living comfortably in a gay or lesbian lifestyle.

In addition, you may feel emotionally isolated from others of your own gender. Same-gender identification and attachment are basic human needs, yet you may find it difficult to develop comfortable nonsexual relationships with others of your gender. The desire for intimacy may have been so great that nothing, including sex, has been able to fill it completely.

Abuse in all of its forms is a violation against the human spirit. Childhood sexual and physical abuse; emotional abuse by unkind peers, misunderstanding parents, and insensitive ecclesiastical leaders; and bigotry from a largely uninformed society are all forms of abuse which you may have received. If you are angry and defensive, it is no wonder.

For some individuals, abuse by members of the opposite sex can create such pain that only relationships with members of the same gender feel safe. This can lead these individuals to turn to other women or men for emotional and sexual intimacy.

Unmet emotional needs create a great vulnerability to compulsive behavior. Compulsive behavior, in turn, increases the feeling of emotional neediness. The cycle seems endless and hopeless.

All of these things (alienation, isolation, abuse, and compulsive behavior) are heavy burdens in themselves. But when they are combined with unwanted same-sex desires, the need for relief is extreme.

There is a way out. Many have found it.

Making a way out

Your individual transition process will require a thorough understanding of a number of concepts. Below are a few of the most basic principles that seem to be universally applicable. You might consider these as tools necessary for the task of change:

• Making a commitment. Your efforts will be ineffective unless you truly intend to make a transition in your life. You must be consistent, persistent, and thorough, and do everything that is necessary and within your power.

• Seeking divine intervention. If you humbly ask, God will provide circumstances and relationships to promote your healing. He will send inspiration to help you solve your problems and meet your needs. Rather than asking God to remove your struggles, we suggest you ask for his help in facing them.

• Being rigorously honest with yourself and others. Honesty begins with careful examination of your feelings and how those translate into wants and then into actions. You must open yourself to others in complete honesty in order to really confront your feelings and thoughts and escape their control.

• Facing fears. You may have many fears: fear of really seeing yourself, fear of showing yourself to others, fear of being found out, fear of emotional pain, fear of changing, and fear of not being able to change. These fears will hinder you at every step unless you squarely confront and overcome them.

• Trusting other people. You may have been hurt and abused throughout your life. Trusting others may be the hardest thing of all. But remember that the people you will meet through Evergreen will be very sensitive to your pain and needs. Many of them have had experiences similar to your own. Listen to them. Consider their suggestions and ideas.

• Avoiding comparison. Comparison begets intimidation. We are intimidated by those we think are better looking, smarter, wealthier, bolder, or more athletic. Comparison leads to envy, detachment, isolation, and the continuation of a self-devaluating cycle. Avoid it. Although your feelings and experiences are not unique, your particular combination of issues is.

• Setting realistic goals. People don't radically change over night. Everyone can progress, but progress comes through gradual shifts, although there may be some spurts of improvement. The overall process is long-term. In general, the more entrenched you are in homosexuality, the more time and effort your transition will take. In addition, few things in life are absolute. You will be disappointed if total change is your only acceptable option. Imposing all-or-nothing conditions sets up an all-for-nothing conclusion. Acceptance and gratitude for each bit of progress is a more useful approach.

The transition process

Sexual behavior is not the primary focus of this transition. It is true that if you want to make a transition out of homosexuality you need to stop having sex with others of your own gender. But sex is a behavioral response based on more primary feelings and wants. The desire for homosexual activity is part of an overall condition, more a result than a cause.

Below is a list of some of the processes that those who have successfully overcome homosexuality have found to be a necessary part of their transition.

• Gaining an appreciation of your eternal identity and self-worth as something separate from your current weaknesses and struggles. This appreciation can only come through establishing a relationship with God.

• Understanding your own pathway into homosexuality including the contributions of abuse, relationship problems, sexual habits, biology, gender-role uncertainty, and unfulfilled longings.

• Recognizing patterns in your thoughts and behaviors that cause you difficulty and then working through them. These patterns may include thinking errors, nonassertiveness, debilitating guilt, obsessions, resentment, codependency, and enmeshment.

• Learning effective ways to control unwanted sexual behavior.

• Developing an accurate and positive self-concept that includes acceptance and appreciation of your masculinity or femininity. Allowing your natural character to develop in positive ways and expanding your beliefs about your potential.

• Developing relationships that affirm your value, validate your feelings, help you overcome fear and intimidation, model gender-appropriate behavior, and provide enjoyable companionship.

• Maintaining a balanced lifestyle that adequately meets your spiritual, emotional, and physical needs.

Beginning your transition

This information has provided a basic understanding of Evergreen's philosophy and approach to homosexuality. Whether you want to do anything more with this information is up to you. If you are interested in pursuing the option of transition, the following suggestions can help you in doing so.

Get information

Search through the many resources available on this Web site. They may provide answers to some of your basic questions and help you select books that further explain the transition process. Review the recommended reading lists and also browse through the bookstore. You may also wish to contact the Evergreen office for references to therapists and support groups in your area. By gaining a greater understanding, you will be in a better position to decide if you want to make this transition.

Decide if you want to go further

Once you have become informed, you will have to decide if you are ready to commit yourself to this transition. The decision may be simple and obvious, or it may be a very difficult choice. You may want to talk to some supportive and informed people while making this decision. Read more about making decisions.

Find resources

If you do commit yourself to the process, your next step is to find resources to help you. We recommend a combination of resources including individual counseling, group therapy, a supportive network of family and friends, personal study, and the support of your ecclesiastical leaders. Use all possible resources in a way that fits your specific needs. Click here to see the services Evergreen provides.

Stay involved

Make full use of the resources available to you. Make frequent attendance at group and individual sessions a high priority. Attend conferences, workshops, firesides, and other sponsored activities as much as you are able. The transition needs to become a high priority in your life. It will require the support and understanding of other people to whom you are committed. If group and individual counseling opportunities are not available in your area, Evergreen will work with you in developing resources.
 

Read more:

Can I Resolve my Homosexual Problems?  by Jason Park
Why Am I Attracted to Men?  By Jason Park
 

Return to the Resources for Individuals page.