Gaye's Testimony

Mother and Spouse

A year ago, I sat in the opening session of my first Evergreen conference as the wife of a man who only six weeks before had confessed to me his 47-year struggle with SSA. I felt self-conscious, terrified and almost paralyzed by my emotions. If someone had told me then that I'd be giving my testimony at this year's conference, I'd have probably said "over my husband's dead body".

I was raised in a loving LDS home with wonderfully caring and supportive parents. I had a very happy childhood. I loved school and my church activities. While in what was then MIA (or "Mutual'') and attending seminary, I began to develop my own personal testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel after relying on the testimony of my parents prior to that time. I set goals for myself. I wanted to get an education, meet a returned missionary who honored his priesthood and who came from a similar socio-economic family background, marry in the temple, and raise a family. These events happened in just that order. I was very happy living in my "Camelot" world, as I perceived it. We had what I thought was a very happy marriage, and eventually had five sons and an adopted daughter. We were very active in the Church. I've served as Primary, Young Women, and Relief Society President as well as taught in each of those organizations. My husband served in several bishoprics, a branch presidency, and on the high council. He was always a caring and faithful home teacher. He was an attentive husband and father who always supported me and the children in our church responsibilities and activities. We attended the temple together on a monthly basis. Our marriage was considered an exemplary one. I once even had to give a talk in relief society on how to have a happy marriage.

I've had what I thought were my share of trials -- deaths, miscarriages, cancer and chemotherapy, earthquakes, as well learning ten years ago that our then 19 year-old daughter has SSA. She is still dealing with her feelings in this area and as well as the issue of her adoption by us. We love her dearly and continue to offer her our love and support.

None of these events prepared me for what happened on July 5, 1998 -- the day Bob told me of his 47-year battle with SSA. We had been married 38 years. I hadn't had a clue. I know many of you are thinking "how could that be?" Knowing what I know now, there were clues -- but I wasn't looking for them and didn't know enough about SSA to put two and two together. Bob had lived two completely different lives -- his SSA life and his family/church life. He had always been physically attentive to me and was always home in the evenings and with the family on weekends to support the kids in their activities and fulfill his Church callings. He did not travel with his job, so was not gone from home for long periods of time. He was involved acting out with others for 13 of our 38 years of marriage. As a university professor, his schedule was varied and flexible, so his acting out was always during working hours. During all those years, he had never told anybody about his feelings except those men with whom he was involved. The SSA literature he found was pro-gay. The media told him he was born that way and that he couldn't change. He knew he was a "whited sepulcher." He felt he was damned and that there was no way out. He thought he would just live out his life with his "little" secret," and then on the other side, I would have the opportunity to have a ''worthy'' husband and he would then suffer the consequences of his actions. In spite of his unrighteous actions, he never considered himself "gay" and he never lost his testimony of the gospel. He always had glimmer of hope for finding a way out.

So how do I come to be standing here? In early 1997, I saw an announcement in our ward bulletin about an Evergreen Friends and Family meeting for those seeking support for family members with SSA. This announcement jumped right off the page at me because of our daughter's SSA. I called the number on the announcement and spoke with Deanna who offered a loving compassionate ear as I told her why I was calling. Bob and I began attending the Evergreen Family Support meetings. It was at these meetings that we met couples where the husband was struggling as well as parents of strugglers. Unbeknownst to me, for the first time in his life, Bob found hope that there was a way out of his struggles. He listened to the testimonies of men like Mark and others tell how they had been able to lessen and even overcome their SSA feelings as they humbled themselves before the Lord, turned their burdens over to Him, and accepted the blessings of the Atonement in their own lives. He started reading Jason Park's books and others about reparative therapy and the role of developmental deficits in the development of SSA. Bob began to see where the roots of his SSA began. He realized that during all those years of struggling when he pled with God to take his SSA from him that he had only believed IN Christ, but that he had never really believed Christ. He thought he had to do it all himself by "white-knuckling it." He was caught up in the "works" principle and had forgotten about the "mercy" and "grace" principles. Oh he wished he'd had the resources that are available now -- such as Evergreen, reparative therapy, and especially his new understanding of the application of the Atonement in overcoming weaknesses. We now pray daily that the message of help and hope that Evergreen offers, and the resources now available, will spread throughout the Church and the world.

We had been attending the Evergreen Friends and Family Meetings for about 18 months before Bob told me about his SSA struggles. During those 18 months, even though I didn't know about Bob's SSA, I noticed a change in him. He began studying the scriptures at length each day. He spent much time in personal prayer until he was at last able to humble himself and rid himself of his false pride. Then with faith and a broken heart and contrite spirit, he laid his SSA burdens at the Savior's feet. In a matter of weeks, he said he felt his burdens lifted. He will tell you that this " mighty change'' in his life was as much a miracle to him as was the parting of the Red Sea by Moses. By the time Bob was ready to tell me, the Lord had already lifted most of his SSA compulsions and feelings from him. Even though I had learned much about SSA and the possibility of overcoming during the 18 months we attended Evergreen Friends and Family, I still wasn't prepared when Bob confessed to me. My first thought was to RUN AWAY. I felt my world had caved in on me. I began to shake and really didn't stop shaking for several days. I was a basket case for weeks. I felt so hurt, so betrayed, so used, and perhaps most of all I felt great LOSS -- the loss of marital fidelity, the loss of trust, the loss of everything I held so dear.

My heart throbbed with pain. I thought of the years of lying and deceit -- to me, to the children, and to priesthood leaders. I thought of his years of unworthy church service and unworthy temple attendance and breaking of those sacred covenants. I thought of family events -- blessings, marriages, and missions of our children where he had been unworthy to participate. Then as the smoke began to clear and I began to pour my heart out to the Lord, I began to think more rationally. Despite his grave sin, I knew Bob loved me and that he had been a good husband and father. I had always felt loved and cherished by him. I loved this man. So after I scraped myself off the floor, we began to rebuild our relationship and our marriage -- based on absolute honesty with one another and with the Savior as our guide. I went with Bob as he confessed to the bishop and stood by him through his disciplinary council, both necessary steps in his continuing process of repentance. We began and have continued to read the scriptures daily together, as well as other spiritual books. I have read everything I could get my hands on about SSA so that I could better understand Bob's issues. We are faithful about saying our personal prayers and having prayers together daily. By doing these things, our love for each other continues to grow, as does our relationship with our Father in Heaven as we focus on our now united goal of being together with our family in eternity.

We have shared our deepest feelings and have learned much about each other in the last 15 months. We have learned to truly communicate with each other -- often until the wee hours of the morning. We have cried together and even laughed together. Bob weeps openly now when he is touched by the spirit -- often during our prayers together as he gives thanks for this miracle in his life. I had never seen him shed a tear until this period. We have no secrets from each other now. Bob has told our children and their spouses about his struggles. They received his confession with love and have pledged their support to him and to their sister also.

I now know that the Savior's Atonement is not just for the forgiveness of Bob's sins, but it is for me, too. Only through the infinite love and mercy of our Savior and His Atonement will I be able to completely heal from this great hurt and offer complete forgiveness to Bob. I have made so much progress in this regard during the last year and I know that complete healing and forgiveness will come in the due time of the Lord. How grateful I am for His love and His Atonement. May we REALLY believe Christ when he says, "I am the way, the truth and the life."

 

(Given at the September 1999 Evergreen Annual Conference. Originally Published in Journey, Volume 4, number 2, March/April 1994, page 2.)