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As our daughter and her boyfriend sat down on the couch, my wife and I
felt comfortable. We had been through the experience several times before.
The whole conversation was scripted.
“Mom and dad,” Janice began. “We’ve got good news and bad news.” The “bad
news” was a minor departure from the script, but acceptable.
“Doug and I want to get married.”
“Wonderful,” Anne and I replied in unison.
And it was wonderful and about time. After all, marriage was part of the
plan of salvation and a major part of what we had taught our children
throughout the years. In the Campbell family, a temple marriage was part of
the plan for each person.
“Now the bad news, Doug and I have to get married.”
Silence.
“What?” I thought to myself. “This was so not part of the plan”
We all just sat and looked at each other until Anne asked, ”What date have
you chosen?”
“For the marriage or the baby?” Janice replied.
That broke the tension. The rest of the evening was spent in sharing love,
support, and ideas.
That night, Anne and I talked ourselves through the sorrow and
disappointment we felt–questions such as “How did this happen?" "Where had
we failed?" and "What do we do now?” were asked and left unanswered.
We were disappointed that they had told Doug’s parents and both bishops
before us. When asked why, Janice replied, “We just didn’t know how you
would respond. We were scared.” Her answer cut deeply because although we
had taught the children the importance of obedience, Anne and I felt the
children knew deep inside that we loved them no matter what choices they
made. That night we made a commitment that Janice and Doug would never need
to question our love for them because we would show it through every word
and action.
As family members and friends found out about the imminent marriage, there
was a rich out pouring of love and support. Our friends in the ward were
wonderful, pitching in to make the chapel wedding special for all involved.
Anne and I realized in a vague sort of way that conceiving a child out of
wedlock was also part of the plan of salvation. A war had been fought in
heaven over our right to chose, and Christ had suffered in Gethsemane and on
the cross so we could repent of our wrong choices.
The bishop did an admirable job counseling with the young couple and helping
them begin the repentance process. We planned a low-key wedding and
reception but hundreds of people were in the chapel the day Janice and Doug
were married. In his remarks, the bishop challenged them to be sealed in the
temple in exactly one year. (They were actually sealed a year and five days
later.) We were over whelmed by the love and compassion we felt from family,
friends, and ward members.
Because our new son in law had been born and raised in California, few of
his friends were able to attend the wedding. A reception was planned for
Doug’s friends in his hometown of Los Angeles several months after the
marriage.
As Anne and I prepared for the trip to California, we felt good about our
situation. We felt that we had gone through one of the most trying
experiences possible and had come out stronger. Our daughter and new son in
law were actively preparing for their temple sealing. The teachings of the
gospel had given us understanding and hope, the Spirit had brought peace,
the bishop had provide counsel and direction, and ward members had rallied
around us with love and support.
Coming Out
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
Anne was fighting to hold back the tears. Muffled sobs shock her body.
The flight to Los Angeles had lifted off the ground a few minutes earlier.
This was to have been a restful and relaxing opportunity to spend time with
Doug’s family and friends.
Unable to speak, Anne slowly handed me a letter from our son Craig. I began
reading, “Dear mom and dad. I don’t want to hurt you but I must tell you
something about myself. I’m gay. Please don’t blame yourselves. I love
you!!! This is something I have known for. . . .”
Tears made it impossible to read further. I struggled to take in the words.
Only once before had I felt as I did at that moment. On a canoe trip as a
young scout I had capsized in rapids. I remembered thrashing about for
something solid to save me and, finding nothing, gasping for air and
inhaling water. After struggling for what seemed like hours–but was in
reality only seconds–I bobbed safely to the peaceful surface of the river
below the rapids. I could still remember how delicious that first breath of
air tasted.
As I sat in the plane for what seemed like forever, I kept imaging that I
was still in the river, unable to catch a breath or stop the currents from
tearing my heart out of my chest. Even after we landed and I happily
embraced new members of our extended family, I couldn’t forget the words
“I’m gay!”
That night, Anne and I tried to make sense of our feelings. We verbalized
questions that had been on our minds throughout the day, criticized our
parenting skills, and wondered what was next. We fell asleep crying, blaming
ourselves, and fearing the future.
Although we did enjoy our time in California sightseeing, meeting Doug’s
friends, and growing to love his family, the thought of meeting Craig as we
stepped off the plane was never far from our minds.
I played out in my mind a thousand different approaches for greeting Craig,
all of which seemed to fall short. I wondered what to say. Did he need to be
reprimanded, called to repentance, told to stay away from the younger
children, or asked to leave the home? As I shared my concerns with Anne, she
replied, “I think we need to treat him the way Christ would treat him. We
need to love him the way Christ loves him. We’ll try to do what Christ would
do.”
The Spirit whispered a confirming peace and I slept for the first time in
four nights.
At the airport, the children greeted us with smiles and a "Welcome Home"
sign. I looked for Craig and found him standing behind the others, probably
as scared and apprehensive as I was. Greeting the children with hugs and
kisses I worked my way towards Craig, finally taking him in my arms and
softly whispered that I loved him.
Alone
Craig’s coming out had shifted a weight off of his shoulders and onto ours.
We now had this huge secret and no one to share it with. (Only years later
did we begin to realize that as awful as our feelings were, Craig had been
struggling with more intense feelings for years. Our pain was nothing
compared to the suffering Craig had endured in silence and isolation for so
long.)
Craig had been meeting with the bishop off and on since returning from his
mission. We talked with the bishop ourselves and while he sympathized with
our plight he had no answers or suggestions. He arranged for Craig to see a
counselor at LDS Family Services who was of little help to him. Craig soon
quit going to the counselor and the bishop.
Although Craig had sincerely tried to live as we and his church leaders had
taught, fasting and praying for relief from his attractions, by this time he
felt God had deserted him. He felt answers to his challenges were not in the
church and he turned to others.
While Anne and I felt totally alone, Craig had a ready made a support group.
Foremost among them was a grandmother, aunt, uncle and cousin.
Craig’s uncle, Karl, had come out of the closet a dozen years earlier. Over
the years, he and I had talked often. I should say that we had jousted and
thrown opinions and accusations back and forth. If we had been keeping score
of our verbal contests during those early years, Karl would have lead the
scoring by 179 to 2. He contended from the beginning that he and others like
him were born gay. He knew the research and delighted in sharing it with me.
I had no rebuttal other than, “the prophet says. . . .” or “the church
teaches. . . .” He’d laughingly ask why I acted like a lemming, always
following without ever thinking for myself. Karl’s divorced mother loved him
unconditionally and supported him in every aspect of his life. She was
outspoken in defending his lifestyle in front of other members of the
family. While his father and most of his brothers and sisters tried to call
him to repentance, one sister stepped to his side and like her mother stood
up for him.
Bad feelings, angry words, incriminations, and missed opportunities for
reconciliation became the norm in the family. Anne and I stood our ground,
teaching that the gospel had the answers to challenges we all faced in life.
We shared our feelings that obedience to God’s commandments brought
happiness and blessings and pointed to the way our children were growing up
as proof of the rightness of our beliefs.
When Craig came out, the pro-gay faction of the family was overjoyed. They
pointed out that in spite of all our Family Home Evening lessons, our gospel
discussions around the dinner table, church attendance, and righteous
living, Craig was gay. They emphasized that he was born gay and we needed to
totally accept and support his "gayness" and his gay lifestyle. If we did
not, we were hateful and intolerant and did not love him.
Anne and I realized we knew very little about homosexuality and didn’t know
where to turn for answers. I knew the church didn’t teach that men were born
gay, but for the life of me I couldn’t remember hearing an alternate
explanation. We also knew that we loved our son very much. It hurt us deeply
when others called us hateful because we didn’t show our love in the manner
they said was right. We quickly learned that others had defined the playing
field and the rules of the game we now found ourselves playing.
Our situation was not good two weeks after Craig had shared his secret with
us. The bishop was unable to give counsel or direction to Craig, nor Anne,
nor me. The world seemed to have answers the Church didn’t, and there were
no ward members we felt we could turn to for support. In our daughter’s
situation a few months earlier, our religion had provided all we had needed,
but we found the church was of little help in our current situation.
Direction
But the Lord did not desert us. Before leaving California, Anne and I had
made a commitment to live as close to the Spirit as possible. To this end,
we prayed and studied the scriptures, fasted, and attended our church
meetings and the temple. I anticipated with excitement our first trip to the
temple after Craig came out. I felt we would receive direction on what we
needed to do to help Craig. Anne and I continued to feel that there was
something we could do or say that would make everything okay again. I felt
strongly that the direction we sought was in the temple.
As we attended the temple, I did receive direction–not for Craig, but for my
own challenges and issues. As I sat in the celestial room telling Anne what
the Spirit had instructed me to do. I was humbled. I understood that in some
future day, my actions may be of some help to Craig, but right then I needed
to focus on helping myself. I began to understand agency, a principle of the
gospel that as a father I had not fully comprehended. God gave me direction
as to how I could better use my agency while He respected Craig’s right to
make his own choices.
One feeling from the temple was a strong desire to receive a blessing from
my sons and sons-in-law who held the Melchizedek Priesthood. Instead of just
doing it as I would have in the past, I knew Craig’s feelings had to be
considered. When I shared with Craig my desire to receive a blessing, he was
completely supportive. He said that before we met as a family he wanted to
talk to each brothers and sister who at that point did not know his
situation. I was amazed at the courage he showed as he visited with his
siblings.
We met on a beautiful Sunday evening in the Relief Society Room of our ward
house. All of our children (including the spouses of our married children)
were present except for one son on a mission. The pro-gay faction of the
extended family was also in attendance which bothered me. Only later did I
realize how much their presence and support meant to Craig.
After an opening prayer and a feeble explanation as to how Craig could have
acquired his attractions to other men I received a priesthood blessing from
my sons and sons-in-law. As they laid their lands on my head and my oldest
son pronounced a blessing, I was overcome with the feeling that in the
immensity of the universe, God was aware of what was happening in that one
small room. Anne and several other members of the family also received
blessings.
Craig’s grandmother couldn’t pass up the opportunity to remind the family
that Craig was who he was from birth and that we each needed to love,
accept, and support him without conditions. Quietly inside I felt bad that I
couldn’t accept that Craig was born gay although I had no other explanation.
I worried that I was homophobic to the point I would never be able to fully
love or accept my son. Craig’s aunt, uncle, and cousin also spoke in his
support. They each reiterated that he was born gay and we must accept that
as fact.
Others shared their feelings. I was especially impressed with several of
Craig’s sisters, who with tears in their eyes expressed their love for him.
They didn’t care how he got to where he was; they loved him without
reservation. All in all it was a beautiful evening, although much different
than I had planned.
Support Group
Through a strange set of circumstances, my father-in-law became aware of a
support group for families and friends of gay men. The group was affiliated
with Evergreen International, a group “founded on the belief that the
atonement of Jesus Christ enables every soul the opportunity to turn away
from all sins or conditions, which obstruct their temporal and eternal
happiness and potential.
“Evergreen attests that individuals can overcome homosexual behavior and can
diminish same-sex attraction, and is committed to assisting individuals who
wish to do so.
“Evergreen sustains the doctrines and standards of The Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-day Saints without reservation or exception, but is not
affiliated with the LDS Church.” (Evergreen
Mission Statement)
I attended my first support group with trepidation. As I introduced myself,
I couldn’t admit I was there because my son was gay. I justified my presence
by saying I wanted to learn how I could help my brother-in-law. Even though
I was dishonest, I was impressed with the honesty and sincerity of others as
they talked about their challenges and their love for those who struggled
with same-sex attraction.
I was especially interested in the comments of one man who talked about the
attractions he felt for other men since he was abused as a youth. With his
wife setting next to him, he talked about the gay lifestyle he had been
involved in and how different he felt now that he was free of it.
When I gave the closing prayer, my emotions were so strong I could hardly
talk. As the facilitator thanked me, his look seemed to say he knew that I
was there for more that just a brother-in-law. While we ate cookies, I
questioned the man who had struggled with same-sex attraction earlier in his
life. He patiently answered my questions and suggested I read several books
the facilitator had for sale.
As I read the books, I was excited to learn of other explanations than
genetics for a person’s attractions to those of the same sex. I continued to
go to the support group, finally being honest about my son’s struggles. As I
asked questions and read books, I was slowly beginning to see the complexity
of some of the issues surrounding same-sex attraction.
Was I To Blame?
As I began reading I learned that a possible contributing factor to
homosexual feelings is an absent or weak father. I was devastated. If
someone had told me I was a lousy basketball player or an awful handyman
around the home I would have immediately agreed. But to say I was a bad
father cut to the very core of how I perceived myself. I loved God, I loved
my wife, and I loved my children. To say that I had let any of them down
meant I had fooled myself for many years.
As I agonized over my feelings, I concluded I had been an insensitive,
preoccupied, and overwhelmed father. As the family was growing, I had always
been busy in a number of activities. I wanted to succeed in the business
world to adequately provide for those I loved. Because I was always
dependable in Church callings, early in my marriage I received opportunities
for church service that far exceeded my abilities. And most damning of all,
because my wife and I were blessed with a large family, I dealt with my
children as a group of people and not as individuals with unique talents,
interests, and needs. This blind spot extended beyond my own children as
evidenced in the counsel I once gave a ward Young Men’s President when he
lamented the diversity of interests among his young men. “That’s easy,” I
said. “Put a pack on each young man’s back and take them into the mountains
for a week. Every young man loves to backpack.”
After he came out, Craig helped me see the error in my thinking when he told
me, “Dad, you always had time to play basketball with my brothers but never
had time to sit down and play the piano with me.” I realized he was half
right; I had in fact never sat down and played the piano with him. But it
wasn’t a time issue, it never crossed my mind that Craig would want me to
set down with him and plunk out a tune with two fingers while he played a
beautiful classic piece. Craig will never know how much I would give to be
able to go back eight or nine years and just once be able to sit down with
him and play the piano together.
Evergreen conference
Through the support group for families and friends, I became aware of an
annual conference sponsored by Evergreen. Registration was easy and
inexpensive but on the morning of the conference, as I watched people enter
the building, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be with them. They looked normal
enough, but I knew that many of them struggled with same-sex attraction. If
I went in, then I was associating with them. I wasn’t sure that was right or
what I wanted to do.
But I did want to understand more and if possible help Craig. I knew this
conference was a place to start my education but I was still fearful of what
I might learn. At the last minute, I went in. Stepping out of the elevator
onto the 9th floor, everything and everyone looked normal. People were
smiling, talking, and appearing to enjoy themselves. I still wondered why I
was there.
I felt a good spirit as I entered the opening general session. Setting on
the front row next to a man in his fifties, I introduced myself and asked a
few questions. His name was Tom. He was from the east coast, a struggler
attending his fourth conference. Tears came to my eyes (I was glad we were
on the front row) as he talked about his trials and the blessings he felt he
had received over the years. I was impressed by his faith in Jesus Christ
and his desire to do what was right. I felt the Spirit whisper I was in the
right place and there was much for me to feel and learn.
As I entered a workshop later that morning, I was surprised to meet my
neighbor. While he was surprised to see me and hear I had a son who
struggled, I was astonished to learn he had been in the gay lifestyle for
many years. Here was a man I sat next to in high priest group meeting, a man
who had been in my house many times as a home teacher, a man who I saw in
sacrament meeting with his family partaking of the sacrament. He was gay? I
was speechless.
Throughout the workshop, I watched him closely as he and others on the panel
talked about the gay lifestyle they had previously lived. They discussed
working through their issues, diminishing their attractions, and eventually
leaving the lifestyle.
Towards the end of the session, several of the panel members made comments
about Jason Park (a pseudonym for the author of a book on same-sex
attraction I had recently read) being in the room. As I looked back (I was
on the front row again) to see who this Jason Park was, the only person I
saw was a fellow I worked with. I knew he was involved with the conference,
so there was no surprise in seeing him. But I was surprised when after the
session he came up to me, extended his hand and said, “Hi, I’m Jason Park.”
He had also struggled with same-sex attraction? For the second time in less
than an hour I was speechless.
In the afternoon, I attended a large group session taught by a
nationally-know therapist. As part of his presentation, he had everyone
stand and hug the person to their right and then hug the person to their
left. As I looked around, I saw everyone smiling and laughing; giving and
receiving solid, heartfelt embraces. Obviously they were enjoying the
experience. I was not, because other than my immediate family, I didn’t hug.
As we sat down, the speaker said we would do more hugging before he was
through so, I excused myself. I continued to learn about strugglers and
myself.
Later in the day, we had the opportunity to see The Testaments of One Fold
and One Shepherd, a film recently produced by The Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints. As it began, I had no idea what it was about, but after a
short time I felt it was prepared specifically for me. The spirit of the
film immediately brought tears to my eyes. (I think I was teary-eyed most of
the day.) The main message of the film was that Jesus Christ is our Savior
and Redeemer and the center of our faith. The story was centered on Helam, a
faithful father, and his son, Jacob, who abandons the faith of his fathers.
At one point, as Jacob prepares to leave, his father says, “I may not always
be your father, but you will always be my son.”
Because of the experiences of the day, the power of the Spirit and the fact
I was at the conference out of love for my son, as I heard these words I
thought my heart would break. To this day, I can’t remember that experience
without feeling Christ’s love and knowing anew that for all eternity I will
be Craig’s father and I will love him no matter what choices he makes.
Through their struggles and obedience, Helam and Jacob are healed both
spiritual and physically by the Savior. That day, the Spirit bore a powerful
witness to me that it is only through the suffering and atoning sacrifice of
Jesus Christ that any of us can be made whole. Faith in Jesus Christ is the
sure foundation for strugglers, parents, and the Church as a whole for the
issue of same-sex attraction. That day, I felt cleansed and full of hope for
myself, Craig, and each member of my family.
Always Remember Him
After the conference, I again felt there were positive ways in which I could
help Craig. (How soon I had forgotten the lesson learned in the temple.)
While I realized that I couldn’t do much by myself, I felt that with the
Lord’s help nothing was impossible.
I recommended myself to living the gospel with exactness. Although I never
consciously made a bargain with the Lord, subconsciously I had in fact made
a deal–a covenant with God in which I set the terms. I promised I would live
my life as perfectly and righteously as humanly possible (a huge undertaking
for me), and God would change Craig’s heart. The change didn’t have to be
huge, only enough for Craig to believe what I believed (well within God’s
power, I felt).
I studied the scriptures, prayed, fasted, attended my meetings, magnified my
callings, worthily partook of the sacrament, attended the temple, controlled
my thoughts, and served others. I tried to not just live the letter of the
law but to bring all my actions into line with the spiritual requirements of
discipleship. Craig was never far from my mind and the prayers of my heart.
Yet I saw no change in him as he moved forward in his new lifestyle. I
wondered where I was failing and occasionally wondered where God was.
Each day became darker and harder to face. I struggled with feelings that
were new to me. I continued to plead for strength and direction but for the
first time in my life, the Spirit seemed far away and the answers did not
come.
Late one night, after an especially depressing day I was preparing a Sunday
School lesson on the Savior’s visit to the Nephites following His
resurrection. I read about the truths He taught, the blessings He gave, and
the miracles He preformed. How I longed to feel the comfort and peace those
righteous people had felt.
I read about Christ instituting the sacrament among the Nephites. After “he
took of the bread and brake and blessed it,” He commanded his disciples
“that they should give it unto the multitude” (3 Nephi 18:3-4). He then
taught:
”And this shall ye do in remembrance of my body, which I have shown
unto you. And it shall be a testimony unto the Father that ye do always
remember me. And if ye do always remember me ye shall have my
Spirit to be with you” (v. 7; emphasis added).
As I read this verse, the Spirit whispered to my soul that this is what I
had forgotten. For several months I had worn myself out attempting to be
perfect. During that time, I had seldom remembered Jesus Christ but I had
constantly thought about my son. My first thoughts each morning were of my
son. I thought of him throughout the day and my last thoughts before I fell
asleep each night were of him.
After the disciples had given the wine unto the multitude the Savior again
taught:
“And this shall ye always do to those who repent and are baptized in my
name; and ye shall do it in remembrance of my blood, which I have
shed for you, that ye may witness unto the Father that ye do always
remember me. And if ye do always remember me ye shall have my
Spirit to be with you” (v. 11; emphasis added).
I was reminded that we eat the bread and drink the wine (water) in
remembrance of the body and blood of Christ. In partaking of the sacrament,
we witness unto God the Eternal Father that we will always remember Jesus
Christ that we “may always have his Spirit to be with [us]” (Moroni 4:3).
I was always remembering my son but not The Son of God. Strengthened by the
warmth of the Spirit, I made a commitment to change.
When I awoke the next morning, my first thoughts were again of my son. Then
I remembered my experience from the night before. Immediately, a scripture
that I had memorized years before entered my mind, “Trust in the Lord with
all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways
acknowledge him and he shall direct thy path” (Proverbs 3:5-6). The Spirit
whispered to me that if I would trust in the Lord He would direct me through
the challenges I was facing.
As I dressed, thoughts of my son again entered my mind. I began to sing out
loud, “I know that my Redeemer lives, what comfort this sweet sentence
gives!” (Hymns, no.136). For the first time in weeks, I began to feel
comfort.
Throughout the day, each time I began to think of my son, I would sing a
hymn, recite a scripture, picture Christ in my mind, ponder one of His
teachings, or say a silent prayer. As I went to bed that night, I felt the
Spirit stronger than I had for months. I felt the peace and comfort that I
had been missing.
I learned again that God will not infringe on Craig’s agency. He is a child
of God and free to make his own choices. I learned that I could use my
agency to change my life but I could not use it to change Craig. I also
learned that I do not set the terms of my relationship with God. As painful
as the 6 months had been since Craig’s announcement, I was growing in gospel
experience and understanding faster than at any other time in my life.
A Partner
Over the years, I had enjoyed associating with our children’s friends as
they came into our home. As our children matured, we became accustomed to
meeting their dates. It was fairly easy to tell who was a friend and who was
a date. But with Craig, it became harder to separate the friends from the
dates and I seldom had the courage to ask who was who.
The children would warn those they brought home that mom and dad may ask
them a lot of questions. That was our way of getting to know those with whom
our children associated. With the young men who dated our daughters there
was also the element of sending a subtle message of treating our daughter
with respect and returning her home safely and on time. I often found myself
with Craig’s boyfriends/dates sending the same message.
Craig had always associated with good people and after he came out I
continued to be impressed with the friends he brought home. But I was not
prepared for the announcement that he was going to live with one of them.
With my feelings such that even a small wave would capsize my emotional
boat, this announcement was like a tsunami. Anne and I had first met Mike
several weeks before. He had attended the same high school as our children
and his parents lived only a few miles from our home.
While Craig had brought friends home in the past, now he would be bringing a
partner, a person he lived with, into the home. Anne and I were not sure
that was what we wanted. We worried about the influence this would have on
the younger children. And what if they did the things that in my homophobic
mind I expected them to do?
Although we succeeded in making a mountain out of a mole hill, the love we
felt for our son held constant. We did want to associate with him. We did
want him in our home and we did want him to feel our love and the love of
his siblings. If the only way he would come to our home was with his
partner, then they were both invited and welcomed. I was given the
assignment to review with Craig the standards we wanted maintained in the
home. Not being very brave, I never brought them up with Craig. It turned
out there was no need to worry. Whenever Craig and Mike were in the home,
their actions and behavior were impeccable, and they were in our home often.
We saw them at Sunday dinners, birthday celebrations, holiday activities,
picnics, and for no reason at all. We felt blessed to have them in our home.
The whole family grew to accept and love Mike as a member of the family.
According to Craig, Mike’s family treated him the same way.
After nine months, Craig moved out of Mike’s house.
Another Support Group
For several years my brother-in-law Karl had encouraged me to attend a
support group for parents that he had heard about years before. More to get
him off my back than to really gain anything, I had agreed. The majority of
those in attendance at this support group were LDS and like the first
support group I had attended, began their meeting with a song and prayer.
Looking around, I felt I could relate to those in attendance. And I did feel
more comfortable as a first time attendee than I had during my first time at
the other group.
That night there was a presentation on the legal efforts to gain equality
for all those who were gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered. The
presenter and others in the group were outspoken in their belief that their
children were born with their sexual orientation and the church was wrong to
not accept their lifestyle and allow them to receive every blessing
available to other members. They emphasized the need for each person in
attendance to show their love for their children by being an advocate for
them and their lifestyle. Several people mentioned the need to pressure the
Church in order to expedite a revelation they felt was still to come that
would correct the Church’s current teachings.
After the presentation, I visited one on one with several in attendance.
Each gave me a background of their church standing and worthiness as we
talked. Comments such as “I’m a former bishop,” “I’m a temple sealer,” “I’m
the ward Relief Society president,” or “my stake president knows all about
how I feel and he supports me” were common. Several expressed a concern that
the church didn’t understand the larger issues associated with homosexuality
or the individual struggles of gay members. One pointed out that when
President Hinckley was asked what caused a person to be gay he had answered
that he didn’t know. This person felt it was not acceptable to deny gays and
lesbians full rights in the church if the prophet himself didn’t know what
caused a person’s sexual orientation.
I sensed they were sincere and passionate in their feelings and beliefs.
Each person expressed love for their son or daughter and a commitment to be
an advocate for them. Over the next few days, I struggled with what I had
heard and felt. Didn’t I love my son as much as those people loved their
children? How should I show that love? They believed the Church was true and
the prophet taught the truth in every doctrine except homosexuality.
Couldn’t I believe the same as them? What if the prophet and the church were
wrong in this one area?
As I pondered and prayed, I knew that I couldn’t compartmentalized my faith
and belief in the prophet and the church. I either followed the prophet
totally or not at all. The problem I saw was if I didn’t believe what the
prophet taught about homosexuality today, tomorrow I may choose to not
believe what he taught about abortion or some other issue. I would
essentially be saying that I knew better than God or His prophet what was
right and what was wrong. To me, that sounded like the definition of pride
given at general conference several years earlier.
After prayer and pondering, the fact that the prophet or the Church didn’t
have a definitive answer as to what caused a person to be attracted to
others of the same sex was also not a problem. When the Lord, through the
Prophet Joseph Smith, gave instructions regarding tobacco, He simply said
“tobacco is not for the body, neither for the belly, and is not good for
man” (D&C 89:8). I realized that for many years there was no explanation as
to why man wasn’t to use tobacco, only the Lord’s word through the prophet.
People chose whether or not to follow the prophet with or without an
explanation. I remembered as a teenager listening to the Surgeon General of
the United States talk about the scientific proof that tobacco was harmful
to the human body. For many years after the initial announcement though,
other scientific research showed tobacco to be harmless. Science certainly
was not an answer to the debate at that time. (Although today science has
established beyond question that tobacco use is harmful.) But since 1833,
the teachings of the prophets and of the Church had remained consistent. I
realized that over the years the voices of the world had taught many
contradictory "truths." And science over the years had been used to prove
and support the almost constantly changing "truths."
To me, the question was, “What voice do I chose to follow?” At that time, I
choose to follow the prophet. I also realized that others had the right to
chose to follow whatever voice they wished.
Core Beliefs
Over the years, I have found out that many in the gay lifestyle feel their
sexual orientation is such a defining part of them that if a parent or other
individual can’t love the lifestyle then they can’t love the person. This
has been pointed out to me several times.
Earlier I referred to my brother-in-law, Karl. When he came out, several
family members rallied to his support. They felt the rest of the family
needed to accept that he was born gay, support him in his lifestyle, and
become an advocate for him or get out of his life. In their minds, there was
no middle ground–as a family member you were either actively for Karl or you
were against him. At that time, some family relationships were damaged that
have never been repaired.
I tried to maintain a relationship with him, talking and visiting with him
as often as possible. To the best of my ability, I respected his beliefs and
showed him in word and deed that I loved him. One day as we talked I said,
“Karl I’m a conservative, right-wing republican and you are a very liberal
democrat. Even though we are extreme opposites in our political thinking,
when I tell you I love you do you believe me?” “Yes“, he replied. “We’re
also different in our religious beliefs,” I continued. “I’m a strait-laced,
dyed-in-the-wool Mormon while you believe in witches and a pantheon of pagan
gods. Although our religious views are worlds apart, when I tell you I love
you do you believe me?” Again the answer was yes. “Karl, I know that the
attractions you have toward other men are real and deeply ingrained. You
believe that you were born with those attractions while I believe they are
the result of the interaction of psychological, social, and biological
factors. Although we see the cause of your attractions differently, do you
believe me when I say that I love you?” “Absolutely not” was his reply.
“It’s okay to have different views on politics and religion but not on the
cause of your attraction to men?” I asked. “Never bring that up again,” is
all he would say.
Several years later, when the marriage amendment was being hotly debated,
Karl asked me how I was going to vote. I replied that he knew my beliefs and
could probably guess how I would vote, at which point he said, “If you vote
for the amendment I will never speak to you again.” Taken back, I pointed
out that he would never really know how I voted and if he cut me out of his
life I would miss him greatly. (Thankfully, he did not carry out his threat.
We continue to visit with each other several times a week.)
These and other experiences have made it clear that in some people’s minds
it is impossible to separate a person and his or her actions. This puts
parents in an impossible situation as they try to love their child (the
sinner) while not accepting the child’s lifestyle (the sin). These parents
have been told countless times that the only acceptable response to a child
attracted to those of the same sex is unconditional love, which includes
supporting the child in his or her gay lifestyle. Anyone who pushes against
this standard of love and tolerance is branded as intolerant, bigoted, and
hateful. The world has defined parent’s choices as: (1) reject long-held
religious beliefs in order to unconditionally love your child (and the
lifestyle) or (2) reject your child in order to cling to out-dated religious
beliefs.
I propose that love for and faith in Jesus Christ should be the foundation
on which all other beliefs and actions are based. When Jesus Christ was
asked what was the great commandment in the law He replied “Thou shalt love
the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy
mind.” Secondarily Jesus taught “Thou shalt love thy neighbor.” In the
fourth Article of Faith, the first principle of the gospel is “faith in the
Lord Jesus Christ.”
I have always been intrigued by Abraham and the trial he was given. When God
came to Abraham He said, “Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac (the only
son through whom the promised blessings could come), whom thou lovest” (Gen
22:2-3). I believe only God knew the full depth of Abraham’s love for his
son.
The scriptures say that Abraham rose early in the morning to begin the
journey. I’ve often wondered if he was up early because he was unable to
sleep as he contemplated what he had been told to do. But when commanded by
God, "By faith Abraham, when he was tried, offered up Isaac . . . Accounting
that God was able to raise him up, even from the dead . . ." (Heb 11:17-19).
Abraham showed his faith in Jesus Christ and his love for God through his
actions and he and his posterity have been and will be eternally blessed.
Conclusion
I believe it is possible to love God and love a family member who struggles
with attractions to the same sex. I know families who are doing their best
to keep the right balance. The key is to have faith in Jesus Christ and to
demonstrate that faith by word and action in every facet of life. In fact,
by loving God first and exercising faith in Jesus Christ, parents, their gay
and lesbian children, extended family, and the Church as a whole can best
love, support, and help each other.
As a family and as individuals we have made mistakes but I think Craig knows
we love him. He and I enjoy literature and have recommended favorite books
to each other to read. Several times, we have both taken time off work and
attended full days of the Gina Bachauer piano competition. I am currently
taking piano lessons from Craig. (He is a patient, encouraging, and
understanding teacher for someone who learns slowly.)
After attending my first Evergreen conference, I was invited to attend a
weekly support group for men who struggle with same-sex attraction. I
accepted the invitation with the hope I would come to better understand
Craig’s struggles. I did gain a greater appreciation for Craig’s challenges
and grew to love the men in the group. I now am involved as the facilitator
for that support group. Anne and I are co-facilitators for the monthly
support group for families and friends of those who struggle with same-sex
attraction. I have seldom met better men or more loyal and loving families
than I do in these groups.
Several years ago, Craig asked if I was involved in the support groups for
the purpose of causing change in his life. I replied that initially my
involvement in both groups was motivated by a desire to help him change. But
over the years, I learned that while I can change my life, only Craig can
make the decisions that affect his life. I also told him I had come to love,
respect, and appreciate him more because of the challenges I had seen others
face.
Sometimes I cry as I think of the challenges, fears and loneliness that
Craig has had to struggle with over the years. Daily I pray for him and his
brothers and sisters. I love each of them more than I’m able to express in
words alone. I love their wonderful mother also. I feel that God has blessed
each of us. I am grateful for His interest and involvement in our lives. I
am thankful for a prophet to whom we can look for counsel and direction. I
am especially grateful for Jesus Christ and His atoning sacrifice that opens
up so many possibilities for each of us.
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