Why seek answers?
Increasingly, contemporary society responds to the condition of
homosexuality in two extreme ways. One pole proclaims homosexuality is
abhorrent and must be shunned personally and socially. The other pole
insists it is genetically determined and should be embraced and encouraged.
But many who experience same-sex attractions are not satisfied with either approach.
These individuals are locked in an exhausting internal battle. On one hand,
they feel driven to find intimacy through fulfilling their homosexual
longings. On the other hand, they have powerful beliefs preventing whole-hearted adoption of a gay or lesbian lifestyle. The typical solutions
offered them are soul splitting: either root out their beliefs or shun their
sexuality altogether.
For people who are not happy with these same-sex attractions, and for those who now watch helplessly from the sidelines,
here are some answers–a way out of the dilemma. There is hope.
"I have struggled with homosexual tendencies since my earliest sexual
feelings emerged. Like many people with similar struggles, however, I have
never accepted the homosexual lifestyle as a viable option. I found myself
in a battle between emotional and physical longings to love and be loved;
and the spiritual knowledge that the "love" I envisioned was not love in the
true sense, nor could it ever provide lasting happiness"
--Barry, Salt
Lake City
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What is same-sex attraction, same-gender attraction,
and homosexuality?
Evergreen uses the terms same-sex attraction and same-gender attraction
synonymously. Same-sex attraction is an
uncommonly-intense interest in others of the same sex. This interest may
include desires for their attention, friendship, intimacy, and/or a
fascination with their bodies and other gender traits. Homosexuality is a
broader term that includes same-sex attraction as well as erotic thoughts
and sexual behavior involving others of the same sex.
Click here for a primer on how to talk about
same-sex attraction.
Experiences among men and women
may include any or all of the following: intense feelings of attraction or
longing, fantasies, excessive emotional attachment, or erotic sexual
behavior.
Read more: Understanding Male
Same-sex Attraction
Read more: Understanding Female Same-sex Attraction
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What causes it?
Although much research has examined the possible genetic, hormonal,
developmental, social, and cultural influences on sexual orientation, no
findings have emerged that permit scientists to conclude that sexual
orientation is determined by any particular factor or factors. Many believe
that biology, environment, and early
development all play a role. Read
more
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How many people experience same-sex attraction?
Pro-gay advocates claim that 10% of the population is homosexual. More
conservative estimates place the figure at 1–3%. However, estimates are
problematic not only because it is hard to get accurate information, but
also because it is difficult to define what homosexuality is.
Read more
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Can people overcome it?
It is an alterable condition. However, people must desire to
overcome it and must receive appropriate help.
There are really two aspects: feelings and behaviors. We believe homosexual
behaviors are out of harmony with God's intentions for men and women. Those
who wish to stop their homosexual behavior can do so.
The feelings, often referred to as same-sex or same-gender attraction, can
be very troublesome, but they are not sinful. People do not choose to be
attracted to the same gender.
Through the atonement of Christ, people can overcome homosexual behavior and
diminish same-sex attraction. The atonement provides all men and women the
opportunity of renewal and change. True healing and peace come from God.
Read more...
"Leaving my lesbian lifestyle was like coming out of the darkness into
the light. I never thought it was possible, but I have changed from being a
victim to feeling in control of my life. My husband and two babies know me
now as I really am." --Janet, Las Vegas
"Evergreen and the mission it proclaims is for me the light on the
hill to those of us who seek release from same-sex attraction. I
wholeheartedly support Evergreen in its growth and development to help
others who have struggled alone for years, discouraged and longing to hear
the voice of deliverance. For me, it is as though the prison doors have been
opened, and I, a captive, have been set free." --Brad, Michigan
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What does it mean to "change?"
Evergreen does not believe that everyone who
tries to changes their same-sex attractions will make a total change from exclusive
homosexual feelings and attractions to exclusive heterosexual feelings and
attractions. Change may mean a change from addictive or destructive
behaviors to non-addictive, non-destructive behaviors. Change may
mean learning to live the Lord’s law of chastity and becoming faithful in
their marriages. For many, change may mean gaining more self-esteem
and learning to love themselves. For many, change means diminishing
same-sex attractions, finding answers, and finding peace in their lives. For some, it means eliminating
same-sex attractions all
together. For some, it means all of the above.
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Have people really experienced change?
Many men and women have proven with their own lives that this process is
real. Some have fully overcome the behaviors, find same-sex attraction
rarely bothersome, and have noticed the gradual emergence of heterosexual
feelings. Some have gained personal insight and understanding, but continue
to be attracted to others of their gender and struggle to resist homosexual
behaviors.
Others are somewhere in the middle. They have overcome the behaviors enough
that stresses and triggers only occasionally cause them any concern. They've
learned to more easily handle the attractions, which have decreased in
frequency and intensity. And they experience a new freedom, a peacefulness,
and a sense of wholeness.
"Though the pain and struggling has been has been intense and often
overwhelming, the joys have been likewise, only a hundred times more. I
would remind all who are searching for such happiness of the thirty-seventh
verse in the first chapter of Luke, 'For with God nothing shall be
impossible.'" --J.K.H., Salt Lake City
"Where once I had difficulty being sexual with my wife, I am now close to
her, and I enjoy being with her. I love her, and I find her physically,
emotionally, spiritually, and sexually attractive. We now enjoy one of the
best marriages I know of." --Dale, Payson, Utah
Click here to read more
testimonies of people who have changed.
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How many people have changed?
The following
are sample experiences and studies by professionals:
- Dr. William Consiglio has worked for over seventeen years with men and women who seek freedom from homosexuality. He finds that 40%
of his clients find personal resolution and enjoy a full heterosexual life, with
many entering marriage and parenthood. Another 40% achieve a functional
resolution in that they are able to control their homosexual thoughts,
attractions, and behaviors, and thus maintain consistent celibacy. The remaining
20% drop out of the process and eventually return to active homosexuality.
He reports that even for those people who do not make a complete heterosexual
recovery, there is great hope. They can "achieve a significant degree of
emotional healing, growth in self-esteem, and spiritual well being and are able
to move on in life freed of the homosexual obsession and preoccupation. It
allows them to form rewarding and fulfilling relationships and live more
integrated and satisfying lives which are compatible with their spiritual values
and convictions.."
-
In 1994, Dr. Houston MacIntosh reported in the Journal of the American
Psychoanalytic Association a survey of 285 psychoanalysts who treated 1,215
homosexual patients. The psychoanalysts reported that 23% of the patients
changed to heterosexuality and 84% received significant therapeutic benefit.
-
A
Masters & Johnson study showed the recovery rate from homosexuality at 71.6%
when there was motivation and support.
-
For her doctoral dissertation at Brigham Young University in 1978, Elizabeth
James conducted perhaps the most comprehensive review of the literature on the
treatment of homosexuality that had been conducted to date. In her analysis of
101 studies that had been published from 1930 to 1976, she found that
approximately 35% of the clients recovered and 27% improved. She concluded that
"significant improvement and even complete recovery are entirely possible."
She noted an 81% recovery and improvement rate for bisexuals, 69% for long-term
therapy clients, 53% for short-term therapy clients, and 42% for exclusively
homosexual clients.
Click here to read more
about how many people have changed. (See the heading Observations of
Others.)
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What's the process?
You may know people who have struggled unsuccessfully for years to
overcome their attractions. They may have tried repression, fasting,
prayer, commitments to ecclesiastical leaders, and even marriage with little
effect. You may wonder why they seem to have so much difficulty. You may
have given up hope that they will ever find their way to happiness.
There are two keys to progress:
- Addressing the full
range of issues. Although each individual is unique, those dealing with
same-sex attraction usually struggle with issues related to their self-concept,
interpersonal relationships, habits, spirituality, and sexuality.
-
Addressing these issues through a variety
of resources. No single resource can address all issues. Important resources
include supportive family relationships, heterosexual friends, involvement
with spiritual leaders, education, personal counseling, group therapy,
individual study, faith, and prayer.
Five necessary elements:
-
Personal desire, drive, determination, and work
-
Pray, fast, attend Church, read the scriptures.
-
Read literature on SSA.
-
Attend therapy; practice and review the counsel
received.
-
Forgive yourself for setbacks; get right back up
again.
-
Work to avoid sexual behavior and pornography.
-
Good therapist
-
Find a therapist familiar with SSA issues and
modern theories and methods.
-
Find someone you feel a connection with.
-
Find someone who is willing to apply time and
effort toward you.
-
Support and prayers of family and friends
-
Family and friends must be non-judgmental and
accepting.
-
They need to provide unconditional love
-
You need an appropriate same-gender parental figure
and same-gender friends who are willing to spend regular, committed time
with you.
-
Support of bishop and stake leaders
-
Must pay close attention to commitments and
appointments.
-
Must not try to provide professional therapy.
-
Needs to provide genuine, unconditional love.
-
Needs to demonstrate and communicate commitment to
helping you.
-
Must be forgiving, as Christ forgave.
-
Grace of God and atonement of Jesus Christ
Read more
detail on the process...
"I had tried to resolve my homosexual feelings by fasting, prayer and
scripture study. It wasn't enough. I knew the Lord loved me, but I couldn't
understand why he didn't answer my prayers that he take my sinful and
unwanted feelings, desires and compulsions from me. I didn't want or choose
to have homosexual desires. I wondered why no one else seemed to struggle
with these feelings. I felt so alone, so worthless, so unworthy."
--Ron,
Las Vegas
"In college, I developed an emotional, and then sexual, relationship with
my tennis coach. It seemed normal and natural to join the lesbian lifestyle,
since many of my female friends were homosexual. I really tried, but it
didn't work for me. I was miserable. I finally went to my Bishop. He
encouraged me to get help from a counselor. It wasn't easy but with help, I
was able to open up those closed parts of me and learn to love myself
unconditionally." --Betty, Phoenix
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How long does it take?
Many people hope there is a quick fix for their same-sex attractions. In reality, the
transition is so demanding, it is often a long-term process. Individuals who
are less entrenched in addictive behaviors and thoughts may move through the
process in several months or a few years. Others work for many years before
they realize a substantial and consistent difference.
The process is better thought of as a spiral than as a straight line.
Relevant issues must be visited and revisited. Occasionally, when an issue
becomes too difficult to face, the person retreats for a time until he or
she gains the strength to go on. Bursts of progress, intermittent plateaus,
and occasional reverses are common. Be patient. Change comes by degrees.
Read more...
"It has been about six years since I started the process. The attractions
and desires which were constant and life dominating are now gone. I am
finally free and in control of my life." --David, Salt Lake City
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Why is it so difficult?
The transition is difficult because the person is dealing with complex
issues, a tenacious mind set, and deeply-entrenched behaviors.
Complex Issues: Understanding and handling the feelings and
behaviors alone is a significant challenge. But these problems are further
complicated by a number of related issues. These can include alienation,
gender-role problems, abuse issues, resentment, enmeshment, low self-esteem,
guilt and self loathing, severe depression, addiction, sexually-transmitted
diseases, marriage and family difficulties, financial problems, and
spiritual and religious dilemmas .
Tenacious Mind Set: After years of living with these issues, ways of
thinking and seeing the world become habitual. Seeing oneself as different,
weak, alone, unworthy, weird, and victimized can become central to one's
self-concept. Seeing others as rejecting, abusive, misunderstanding,
punishing, and untrustworthy can severely disrupt interpersonal
relationships.
Entrenched Behaviors: Sexual behaviors, whether they involve fantasies,
solitary pursuits, or activities with others, tend to be extremely
addictive. Sexual abuse can deeply ingrain patterns of sexual behavior. When
engaging in these behaviors, individuals often do not comprehend exactly
what they are experiencing. Then they may find themselves in the grip of
powerful sexual addictions that are particularly difficult to overcome.
"In early 1989, I was in serious trouble. I was married with children,
active in church, and yet very involved in homosexual activity. I was
literally in the depths of hell trying to deal with the issue by myself. I
couldn't deal with the tremendous conflict going on inside me. I had decided
to either take my life or leave my family.... I now have peace of mind that
I have never had before; plus a good relationship with my family, church,
and the Lord." --Ken, Provo, Utah
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What can I do to support someone struggling with
same-sex attractions?
If there are people in your life struggling to overcome same-sex
attractions,
you probably wish with all your heart to help. And you may not quite know
what to do. Whether you are a spouse, parent, sibling, ecclesiastical
leader, or friend, the following principles may help.
Exercise Faith through Prayer
You may not know what to do, but God does. And God will intervene in very
specific ways if you earnestly seek his help for those you are concerned
about. He will put experiences in their way to help them move forward. He
can help you understand your role in their transition. He can provide other
relationships to fill the needs you cannot fill. He can help you understand
who they truly are beneath all of their difficulties. And he can help
increase your charity.
Love Unconditionally
Those struggling with same-sex attractions need to be loved as Christ loves, with
no demands, no condescension, and no reservation. This can be very difficult
to do, especially when their behaviors offend, disappoint, or wound you.
Some days will be easier than others. Occasionally you may feel you have
failed. But those you are concerned about need you to invest in them, to
stay open and available, to maintain hope. They need you to fight the urge
to withdraw, criticize, or respond defensively. When they are least lovable,
they are in greatest need of love.
Unconditional love may grow as you recognize their eternal worth as children
of God. When you remember who they really are, it is easier to view their
behaviors as a reflection of what they are going through rather than as a
moral offense or insult.
Maintain Integrity
Loving unconditionally does not mean you have to accept behaviors and
beliefs you disagree with. Nor do you have to excuse their lifestyle or
defend their choices to other people. You don't have to alter your own
beliefs or standards to prove your love or commitment to them. Nor should
you support behaviors that negatively affect you or others you are
responsible for.
Maintaining your integrity also implies that you are trustworthy, committed,
and reliable. Those dealing with homosexuality need your example and your
stability. They need to be able to depend on you. They need a relationship
with you that allows them to overcome the hurt and suspicions from their
past. Your honesty and respect will help.
Deal with Your Own Feelings
Allowing your feelings to build up threatens relationships and your own
well-being. You may need to overcome a sense of betrayal from broken
promises, commitments, or covenants. You may need to work through
frustration with their lack of progress, ambivalence, and seeming inability
to pull their life together. You may have to deal with your anxiety and
stress, particularly if they are living an unstable or dangerous life-style.
And you may need to work through your anger over how they have impacted your
life.
Let Go
You can't change them. Even when God intervenes in someone's life, that
individual still has agency. You can exercise faith through prayer, love
unconditionally, and maintain your integrity. Beyond that, the individual
must choose.
Also, you can't change the past. Nothing you do now can alter what has
already transpired in your relationship. Change can occur only through your
interactions with others in the present. So if your relationship has a
history of problems, let go of mistakes and concentrate on the present.
Treat each day as a fresh start toward a better future.
Forgive Them and Forgive Yourself
In addition to forgiving them for any unfortunate choices they may have
made, you must also forgive yourself. Too many family members get caught up
in feeling guilty themselves for whatever they may have done that
contributed to their child's problems. Forgive yourself and release any
anger or grudge your may be holding on to.
"When I decided that I would give up the unreal hopes and expectations
rather than leave Allen, I became able to love him unconditionally."
--Laura, Henderson, Nevada
"With the guidance of the Lord and an insightful therapist, I learned
how to overcome my childhood deficits, and develop a more mature level of
psychosexuality. Through this healing process I was able to overcome the
homosexual addiction which held me in bondage for over 25 years."
--Gary, Salt Lake City, Utah
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What is Gender-Affirmative Therapy?
Gender-affirmative therapy is the process of helping
individuals understand their gender development and assisting them in making
choices in accordance with their freely-chosen value systems. The basic
premise is that social and emotional variables affect gender identity,
which, in turn, determines sexual orientation. The focus of therapy is to
help individuals fully develop their masculine or feminine gender identity.
Gender is an essential characteristic of our existence
that is both a physical and spiritual designation that we are required and
expected to develop. Clinical and scientific resources must be made
available to assist individuals in reaching their full potential.
Read Why Gender-Affirmative
Therapy? A Latter-day Perspective
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Does Evergreen encourage people with same-sex
attractions to get married?
Evergreen does not believe that marriage is the
answer to overcoming same-sex attractions. Some people hope that marriage
will take care of the sexual urges and thereby alleviate same-sex
attraction. However, experience has shown this is not true. In fact, some
experience the opposite effect. They find that becoming sexual with a member
of the opposite sex and the stresses of married and family life actually
intensify their same-sex attractions.
The Church does not suggest that marriage should be
used as a way to overcome same-sex attractions. Marriage is an individual
decision that should be made through inspiration and without coercion from
anyone. Many people who work at resolving their same-sex attraction issues
progress to the point that they make the decision to get married and they
enjoy fulfilling, happy marriages.
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Does Evergreen support any specific type of therapy?
Evergreen does not officially endorse or recommend
any specific type of therapy. Various articles on this Web site mention
therapies such as gender wholeness, gender-affirmative, reparative, or
re-education therapies that some people have found helpful. Such therapies attempt to undo past harm and help individuals move forward with
their life in a way that is congruent with their personally-selected values
and goals. In our literature,
conferences, and on this Web site, Evergreen encourages therapy,
support groups, individual study, developing healthy relationships, building
spirituality, and many
other things we believe will be helpful. We do not promote any single therapy
or plan.
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Does Evergreen support gay and lesbian rights?
Evergreen recognizes the God-given right of all individuals to choose how
they live. We denounce hatred and oppression. However, it is our
opinion that the agenda of the gay and lesbian rights movement is not
congruent with Evergreen's mission. The mission of Evergreen is to provide
opportunities for individuals struggling with same-sex attraction to diminish
their attractions and overcome homosexual behavior.
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Does Evergreen support gay marriage?
Evergreen supports the following statement of The Church of Jesus Christ
of Latter-day Saints on same-gender marriage: "We
of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints reach out with
understanding and respect for individuals who are attracted to those of the
same gender. We realize there may be great loneliness in their lives but
there must also be recognition of what is right before the Lord. As a
doctrinal principle, based on sacred scripture, we affirm that marriage
between a man and a woman is essential to the Creator's plan for the eternal
destiny of His children. The powers of procreation are to be exercised only
between a man and a woman lawfully wedded as husband and wife. Any other
sexual relations, including those between persons of the same gender,
undermine the divinely created institution of the family. The Church
accordingly favors measures that define marriage as the union of a man and a
woman and that do not confer legal status on any other sexual relationship."
(19 October 2004.)
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Where does Evergreen stand on HIV and AIDS?
Evergreen International extends compassion to all who are ill with AIDS
(Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) and to those who have been infected
with HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus), which causes AIDS. Evergreen
encourages all individuals to become informed about HIV and AIDS, and to
avoid actions that place themselves or others at risk.
Those affiliated with Evergreen who are infected with HIV often have
great needs. Since the values advocated by Evergreen are often at odds with
the goals of the gay community, these individuals often choose not to participate in
gay-affirmative AIDS outreach programs. In these cases, they may be left
with few avenues of support and resources. Therefore, Evergreen encourages
all to offer particular encouragement, love, support, and acceptance to
those who are infected.
Evergreen supports the following activities regarding HIV and AIDS:
-
Education on the transmission of HIV.
-
Ongoing
testing for possible HIV infection among those who are at risk. (Infected
persons can test negative for 8 or more years.)
-
Emotional support and acceptance of individuals who are infected.
-
Assistance in obtaining resources for those who are infected.
-
Honesty
on the part of those who are infected with others whom they could put at
risk.
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