Emotions

by Jason Park

Emotions are probably the most maligned and misunderstood part of our lives. We all have emotions, but few of us know what to do about them. We know we must overcome homosexual behavior and change our perception of ourselves, but what do we do with our emotions? A friend of mine often said to me, "I know the truth in my head, but have fears in my heart." Although we understand things intellectually, we need to accept them emotionally. Since life-changing decisions are painful, it may not be enough to decide to change; we also have to accept it emotionally and endure through the pain that will inevitably come as our emotional child grows to an adult.

Most of us are adept at repressing issues we don’t want to deal with. We may distract ourselves by keeping busy or we develop escapes to avoid dealing with our negative emotions. But sooner or later, we must confront them and get to the root of what makes us feel unhappy or anxious.

Lori Rentzel writes about two extremes in the way we mishandle our feelings. One extreme is to be ruled by our emotions, allowing them to dictate our actions. The opposite is to live as though our feelings don’t exist. Since neither of these is a good option, what are we to do? "First, we can begin to take a more balanced view. Our emotions are not meant to lead us around by the nose. Neither are they to be squelched and stifled. God created our emotions as well as our minds and physical bodies."¹ Our emotional nature can become whole when we accept and understand our feelings, and deal with them in a healthy way.

Lori Rentzel wrote, "Emotional honesty begins with ourselves, then with God and finally with other people. Opening ourselves up to others can be incredibly frightening at first. We’re afraid of being rejected for our so-called negative feelings of anger, jealousy or lust, or even for positive feelings of tenderness or kindness."²

After you admit your feelings to yourself, the next step is to admit them to God in prayer and to other people. Opening up to other people is one of the values of a support group. It can be frightening at first because we may fear being rejected for our feelings, whether they are negative (such as anger, jealousy or lust) or positive (such as tenderness or kindness). Lori reminds us that "feelings which seemed so dark and controlling when we kept them hidden start to lose their power when we bring them out into the light."³ Listen to the Holy Ghost to determine who you should share your feelings with, how much to share, and when to share them. Sharing feelings can help you develop closer relationships.

Open up emotionally

Most men who struggle with homosexual desires have learned to be closed emotionally. This is an understandable defensive reaction to pain. When you have been hurt, you learned to close yourself off to guard against further pain. You found that if you didn’t open up to anyone, you were not vulnerable. However, the sad reality is that if you don’t open up emotionally, you also miss out on a world of emotional joy.

Once you start to open up, it may be an emotional roller coaster as you learn to deal with your emotions. You may become overly sensitive to personal interactions and take offense where none is intended. Be aware of this, and get feedback from other people to help you see things objectively. At times, you may wonder if your efforts to open up are worth it. Life with a hard outer shell prevented emotional pain and now when you open your heart, you are vulnerable and experience hurt. If it hurts too much, you may want to go back to your old safe, but unfulfilling, ways.

When you are desperately needy, your feelings may be intense and urgent. Therefore, you need to be patient and recognize that all your needs cannot be met immediately. The old sexual "fix" may have seemed to satisfy the need right away, but the long-term "fix" of healthy relationships will take longer to develop, but ultimately will be much more satisfying.

Work out past trauma

A hurt experienced early in life may still be unresolved, and the emotional memory may need to be healed. As a child, you may have defensively detached from your father, which is essentially an unresolved "mourning" that still needs to be worked out. Whether or not your father was at fault, you experienced resentment toward him, and so forgiveness is important. There may be other feelings that need to be worked out, such as a sense of grieving at the apparent hurtfulness of your parents or a sense of inferiority or loneliness. If there has been an abusive situation, work out the effects of the abuse with your therapist.

Express and control your anger

Anger is an appropriate response to many situations, but it must be properly expressed and controlled. Unrestrained anger, or rage, is unproductive. But equally damaging is anger that is suppressed. This internalized anger can make you feel powerless and can lead to depression.

You also need to learn how to receive the anger of others. When people are angry at a situation, they often misdirect it at the person responsible for the situation, or at the most convenient person. However, this misdirected anger doesn’t mean they are angry at you. And even if someone is angry about something you did, it doesn’t mean they reject you as a person.

Anger is a normal, expected reaction to tragedy. When it comes, try to direct your anger at the situation rather than at (1) yourself, (2) God, (3) those who might have prevented the situation from happening, or (4) those who are trying to help you. Getting angry at yourself makes you depressed. Being angry at God erects a barrier between you and His sustaining, comforting presence. Being angry at other people drives them away and makes it harder for them to help you. But, as Harold Kushner explained, "being angry at the situation, recognizing it as something rotten, unfair, and totally undeserved, shouting about it, denouncing it, crying over it, permits us to discharge the anger which is a part of being hurt, without making it harder for us to be helped."⁴ Colin Powell developed a number of rules or thoughts to live by. One of them is to "get mad, then get over it."⁵

Making up for missed emotional growth can be both fulfilling and frustrating. When I finally identified some of my emotional deficits, I realized I was chronologically an adult but emotionally still a teenager. As I began to fulfill these emotional deficits, I discovered it was difficult to fully experience adolescent things when I was in my thirties. I also found that time was compressed. I was growing up emotionally perhaps a year every one or two months. I was anxious to maintain communication with my friends, similar to how teenagers communicate with their best friends daily. When I had new feelings or experiences, I felt an urgency to process them with my therapist or a friend, and when I had to wait hours it seemed like weeks. Teenagers growing up emotionally at a normal rate often find it difficult to adjust to their changing emotional state, but since I was changing even faster it lead to quite an emotional roller coaster ride. I went through many new experiences and had to correct my interpretation of some things I had learned from a distorted viewpoint in my childhood and teen years.

If you are going through similar experiences, keep trying. At times it may seem more than you can take emotionally, but it is certainly worth it. When you have made up all the deficits, you will be grateful for these experiences—and probably amazed that you made it through alive!

• Strong at the Broken Places by Linda T. Sanford.
• A Door of Hope: Recognizing and Resolving the Pains of Your Past by Jan Frank.
• Stolen Childhood: What You Need to Know About Sexual Abuse by Alice Huskey.
• The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Dr. Dan B. Allender.
• Responding to Abuse: Helps for Ecclesiastical Leaders, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (item number 32248).
• Preventing and Responding to Child Abuse, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (item number 33196).

Endnotes:

1. “Emotions: How Do We Handle Our Feelings?” by Lori Rentzel, handout published by Love In Action, San Rafael, CA, 1981.

2. “Emotions: How Do We Handle Our Feelings?” by Lori Rentzel, handout published by Love In Action, San Rafael, CA, 1981.

3. “Emotions: How Do We Handle Our Feelings?” by Lori Rentzel, handout published by Love In Action, San Rafael, CA, 1981.

4. When Bad Things Happen to Good People, Harold S. Kushner, Avon Books, New York, 1981, p. 109.

5. Parade magazine, 13 Aug. 1989, p. 6

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