Concerning Homosexuality
Information for Ecclesiastical Leaders

By David A. Matheson, M.S.

 © Robert Lerich - FOTOLIA

The problem of homosexuality—although not too common—is widespread enough that most priesthood leaders will, at some time, counsel members facing this struggle. Leaders who have some understanding of the homosexual condition can be dealt with, and of ways they can help may be a great blessing to those who wish to overcome their homosexual behaviors and diminish their same-sex attractions. They can also provide valuable support to loved ones of those involved in homosexuality.

 WHAT IS HOMOSEXUALITY?

 Homosexuality is commonly defined as sexual desires and actions oriented toward others of the same gender. The homosexual condition consists of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. To those struggling with homosexuality, feelings of attraction toward others of the same gender seem to come out of nowhere and may arise despite the persons best efforts to overcome or ignore them. These feelings are usually noticed first I adolescence. People who experience these feelings may remain innocent of moral transgression.

Homosexual thoughts often follow feelings of same-gender attraction. Individuals may choose to dismiss these thoughts, or they may choose to elaborate on them and develop them into vivid fantasies. When these thoughts are dwelt upon, homosexual behavior often follows. Such behavior may include the use of pornography, masturbation, and sexual relations with other people.

 WHAT CAUSES IT?

 There is considerable debate over what causes homosexuality. This debate is due, in large part, to the variety of perspectives on homosexuality that exist within the various mental health and medical professions. It is not essential that ecclesiastical leaders understand all of these theories.

 However, it may be helpful for you to know some of the background information that is commonly reported by men and women dealing with homosexuality. The following general issues are reported with striking consistency. 

• Low self-esteem and social isolation
• Poor of strained relationships with parents and peers
• Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse by males (common among both males and females dealing with homosexuality)
• Feeling emotionally stuck at a younger age lack of identification with others of their gender; feeling intimidated by other men or women
• Feelings of inadequacy related to fulfilling their gender role (not being masculine enough or feminine enough)
• Believing they have physical and emotional traits more suited to the opposite gender

HOW PREVALENT IS HOMOSEXUALITY?

The best available statistics suggest that 2 to 4 percent of adult church members experience problems with homosexuality. This means that a stake with 2,500 members of adolescent age or older has between 50 and 100 individuals currently struggling with homosexuality. While some of these people may not attend meetings regularly, many others are active members. Beside these individuals there may be parents, siblings, spouses, children, and friends who are also deeply affected by the problems their loved ones face.

Most of these situations remain invisible to priesthood leaders. Often, those involved to do not come forward because they fear embarrassment, misunderstanding, or church disciplinary action. Also, they may not believe their situation is hopeless. And some members may not come forward because they want to persist in homosexuality. For these and other reasons, the prevalence of homosexuality within the Church is frequently underestimated.

WHAT DOES “GAY” MEAN?

The word “gay” began to be used as a reference to homosexuality sometime in the early 1930s. Over the past two decades, the word has become used almost exclusively in reference to homosexual men. The word “lesbian” has come into common use more recently to refer to homosexual women. Since about 1969, organized groups of gays ad lesbian have publicly begun demanding special rights ad protections under the law.

These so called “gay rights” groups view homosexuality as a normal variation of human sexuality equal to heterosexuality. They have a strong interest in removing the stigma that has long been associated with homosexuality and have been largely successful in doing so. Their strategy has been a multifaceted campaign including direct education to school children, appeals through the media, political pressure, litigation, protests, demonstrations, and militancy.

The basic tenets of the gay and lesbian movement run counter to the plan of salvation. Their moral standard, which accepts sexual expression among members of the sane gender, stand in opposition to the Lord’s law of chastity. Their claim that some men and women have an unchangeable natural condition that cannot be overcome or resisted sets aside the atonement and the doctrine of repentance. And their belief that by nature some people are unalterably unable to marry and mate with someone of the opposite gender runs counter to the principle of celestial marriage and exaltation.

CAN HOMOSEXUALITY BE OVERCOME?

Homosexuality is an alterable condition. However, an individual must strongly desire to move away from homosexuality and must receive appropriate help in order to make meaningful progress. Men and women working to overcome this problem usually need help with a number of different processes, including the following.

• Ending any inappropriate relationships they have become involved in

• Overcoming sexual habits and addictions

• Developing appropriate relationships with others of their own gender that fulfill needs for love and affirmation

• Increasing self-understanding and sense of self-worth

• Handling relationship problems with family (especially if there is a spouse)

• Facing church disciplinary action when required

• Improving their relationship with God and understanding the atonement

Put very briefly, the process of overcoming homosexual behavior and
diminishing same-sex attractions requires individuals to make substantial changes in their self-concept, values, ways of relating to other people, and even their daily behavior. The changes are often profound and difficult. No single resource can provide all of the help needed. Most of those who make progress in overcoming homosexuality do so with the assistance of multiple resources helpful in this process. The more of these that are available the better.

• Faith in the Lord and meaningful prayer

• Individual psychotherapy

• Group therapy or and effective support group

• Literature on the change process

• Righteous and supportive family members

• An understanding, kind, and firm ecclesiastical leader

• Supportive heterosexual same-gender friends.

Even when all of these resources are available it may take months or even years before an individual begins to notice a consistent difference. Stable, long-term change should not be expected in less than a few years. For those with extensive sexual experience, a history of abuse, or very low self-esteem the process may take much longer. Quick gains may be made, but they are usually followed by plateaus of partial relapses. The process is a spiral, not a straight line.

Eventually those who make sincere and consistent efforts are able to stop homosexual feelings and thoughts. Some also develop feelings of attraction to the opposite gender. But there may still be occasions when homosexual feeling and thoughts return, if only fleetingly. Such occasions typically occur during times of stress, depression, insecurity or instability. Therefore, it is wise for hose who have overcome homosexual behavior and diminished same-sex attractions to live in a way that continually meets their spiritual, psychological, physical, and interpersonal needs.

HOW CAN LEADERS HELP?

Ecclesiastical leaders often play a significant role in the loves of those trying to overcome homosexuality. Many of those struggling have had experiences with church leaders in the past. Often, these are remembered as bad experiences. Both men and women dealing with homosexuality have difficulty trusting males, especially those in positions of power of authority. Their attitude toward the Church is often ambivalent. Their faith in the Lord—whom church leaders represent—is often weak. So, it is important that their interactions with you are positive and helpful

When members struggling with homosexuality go to their bishop of stake president they usually do so with trepidation and fear. They may wonder: Will he listen? Will he understand? Will he condemn me? Will he be shocked? Will he reject me? Their presence in your office demonstrates faith, courage, and a desire to change. But it also represents a plea for help. The suggestions below may assist you in meeting their needs.

Listen to them. It is important that they feel you understand them and appreciate their needs. Your attentive and active listening will help give them a sense that they are worthwhile, that you care and that you intend to help them. When they feel heard and understood they will develop trust and positive regard for you, both of which are very healing. On the other hand, if they feel condemned, lectured to, or patronized they are likely to withdraw and may leave with even less trust and greater frustration.

Comfort them. Every person with same-gender attraction has received some type of abuse, whether it was the taunting of childhood friends, the physical beatings of a parent, or the sexual misuse of a perpetuator. They are confused and may feel overwhelming frustration, anger, and hopelessness. They probably experience guilt and shame and may feel that their life is out of control. Although none of this is ever and excuse for wrong behavior is does warrant genuine compassion and empathy.

Guide them. Those who are struggling often don’t know what I s wrong. And sometimes they don’t know what is right either. Their testimony of the gospel denounces homosexuality. But their homosexual feelings and thoughts are very persistent and beguiling. These people are typically ambivalent—wanting to live the gospel and fulfill their sexual desires. Some who struggle with homosexuality spend a great deal of time trying to reconcile the gospel with the ideas of the gay and lesbian movement. These efforts exhaust their energy and lead to frustration and sense of futility. They need a firm and unwavering standard of righteousness and worthiness. They need to know that the gospel—especially the atonement—applies to them. They need to know that good and evil truly stand in opposite to one another and that they must choose between them.

Provide examples. Men and women dealing with homosexuality need others of their own gender to show them how to live worthy and satisfying lives. Priesthood leaders (for men) and relief society leaders (for women) can model daily living, showing examples of how men ad women can make worthy lives by surmounting their human imperfections. They can also model appropriate same –gender relationship skills ad can teach Christ-like ways of expressing love.

Encourage friendship and involvement. Members struggling with homosexuality easily feel alienated and rejected. They need other members of the Church to reach out with genuine friendship and acceptance. This is especially true when the struggling member has faced church disciplinary action. Sensitively helping them to be involved in quorum or relief society activities and assigning suitable home o visiting  teachers may help them to feel included. And providing them with appropriate opportunities for church service can help strengthen their commitment and testimony.

Help them obtain professional assistance. Most men and women who attempt to overcome homosexual behavior and diminish same-gender attraction require the help of a trained psychotherapist. Finding a professional whose views regarding homosexuality are consistent with gospel teachings is essential. The resources listed at the end of this paper can help you find appropriate help.

HOW DO I INTERVIEW THEM?

Meeting regularly with members who struggle with homosexuality can give them vital encouragement and a sense of accountability. The suggestions below may help make your meetings productive and impactful.

•  Invite them to share their feelings, even if they are confusing and contradictory. This shows them you care and may help them overcome their anxiety.

• Show empathy for the pain and guilt they feel regarding any immoral behavior they have committed. Your response to their initial confession may determine how much more they will confide in you.

• Hear them out. Lots of listening and little talking on you part sends the message that you want to understand and invites them to be more open. Lots of talking and little listening may send the message that you don’t want to know any more, that you are uncomfortable, or that you are judging them too quickly.

• Avoid counseling beyond your training. Solutions to their problems may seem clear and simple to you. But to them, the situation seems incredibly complex. Simple solutions and advice may be interpreted as patronizing.

 WHAT OTHER HELP IS AVAILABLE?

 A number of resources are available to help you better understand and minister to those with homosexual problems. The following publications and organizations may be helpful. 

•  “Same-Gender Attraction” by Dallin H. Oaks (Ensign, October 1995, pp. 7-14)

• Understanding and Helping Those Who Have Homosexual Problems: Suggestions for Ecclesiastical Leaders. (Publication of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1992). Order from Church Distribution Services.

• “Becoming Whole Again,” name withheld, (Ensign, January 1997, pp. 27-29).

• Helping LDS Men Resolve Their Homosexual Problems by Jason Park (Century Publishing, Salt Lake City, UT, 1997).

• Understanding Male Homosexual Problems by Jason Park (Century Publishing, Salt Lake City, UT, 1997).

• Local LDS Family Services agencies can provide individual psychotherapy.

• Evergreen International, a non-profit organization, offers help to Latter-day saints working to overcome homosexuality. Evergreen also provides resources for ecclesiastical leaders and others. (800) 391-1000. Internet: www.Evergreeninternational.org.