|
As long as I can remember I was always attracted to men. I had no idea why,
but I was. All through grade school, high school, college, and mission life.
I figured if I got married the feelings would leave, but that was wrong.
They even got stronger and then turned into acting out. I had been married
for twelve years, when around Christmas time I felt that I wanted to get out
of this life style. I prayed to my Heavenly Father on several occasions, but
found it to be hard. I didn’t pray often, feeling guilty that I wasn’t
worthy enough to be praying.
In February of 1999, I was at a cruising area, when I meet a gentleman who
was curious about the lifestyle of SSA. I remember telling him that if there
were any way I could get out of SSA I would do it. He asked me my name and I
remember telling him a different name. I really didn’t like to lie, and so I
told him a few minutes later my real first name. He left for a meeting, and
so did I. He continued to come to that cruising area, and every time he
came, I would leave. Then one day we met at a meeting in May of 1999,
unknown to both of us. What a surprise! He would know my full name and
profession. He invited me out to see some of his collections at his house.
He knew that I would come out and look at his collections of the past. There
he asked me several questions about SSA, and he challenged me not to go to
those cruising areas. I told him I could do that. I left his home and passed
the cruising areas without going into them. About a week had gone by when he
came by my work. I really didn’t want to see him, but he was persistent.
When we finally met on the next Saturday, he told me that I needed to make a
commitment to him to stop my SSA. He told me that if I didn’t make a
commitment, that he would: first tell the police of the first incident at
the cruising area, where I had acted out for him, second he would tell my
wife (which I certainly did not want to happen), and third he would help me
find the way out of SSA. It took me about 5 minutes to make the third
choice. I am truly grateful for his insistence. He helped me start the
change my life from SSA to happiness.
We both did not know where to turn for help of my SSA. He had to make a trip
back to Boston and while he was at the airport he found a book about SSA. He
paid for it and found a center in Boston for those struggling with SSA. He
went and met the gentleman who started the program for men dealing with SSA.
This certain gentleman told my friend about an organization in Salt Lake
City called Evergreen. My friend went to Evergreen and got several good
books and the Work Book For Men. This all happened during June and July . I
was so excited to have books that concerned those trying to get out of SSA.
I was getting a stronger desire not to go to the cruising areas. While my
friend was gone on a business trip I thought I could handle myself, so I
went to the cruising areas. But then fell when I acted out again. This is
what I needed to be with someone who didn’t have the same desires as me.
We worked on the book for several months when I know it was time to tell my
wife. I didn’t want to tell her. I was certainly afraid that she would want
me to leave our home and family. She was totally the opposite, she wanted to
help me and she has. I am truly blessed for having such a good wife who
tries to understand and help me. She has truly made my task to recover from
SSA a whole lot easier. When she wanted to know something about SSA or my
issues with it, I would tell her. Sure it wasn’t easy, but I did it. I had
to earn her trust again.
I remember President Boyd K. Packer saying if you have a thought that is not
good, sing a hymn. At first it was hard, but I knew I must, because the
thoughts are what got me in trouble. After engaging into hymns, when I would
be going somewhere and a bad thought would come into my mind, I would notice
that automatically my mind would go to a hymn.
Prayer has been a lifesaver, and most importantly, my Savior, Jesus Christ
and His atonement have been the best thing that could ever have happened in
my life. We all think that the solutions to our problems should be
complicated, but it’s the gospel basics that we have been taught in our
early years of development. The real answers are prayer, scripture reading,
singing hymns, controlling your thoughts, writing in you journals.
I know that there is a way out. It’s not easy, but it is sure worth it! I
know have peace with my life. It is wonderful to know that now I can be
honest in my dealings with everyone. I don’t have to cover up secrets or
lie.
I would like to thank those who helped with my recovery from SSA to
Evergreen, Jason Park, J.R. Johansen, my Evergreen group, my counselor, and
my friend. Even though we have gone our separate ways, I will always know
that he made the difference of being my friend and wanting to help me. Most
of all I would like to thank my wife, Lori for the understanding and the
love she has given me. She has made the difference. I’m the one who is truly
blessed for a wonderful wife, who understands, supports, and loves me.
I am free and my life is blessed.
Return to the
Testimonies page. |
