Bob's testimony

(Given at the September 1999 Evergreen Annual Conference. Originally Published in Journey, Volume 4, number 2, March/April 1994, page 2.)

For those of you in the opening session, I am the "bad guy" spoken of by wonderful wife, who has been my "True North" through all of my struggles. For 47 years of my life and especially for 13 of those, I truly did feel like the scum on the earth. I had the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life, I knew its standards and knew that it was true, I was raised in a gospel-oriented wonderful family, and yet I felt like a failure and that there was no hope that I could ever gain the celestial kingdom. Despite this, the Lord blessed me with enough hope that I never completely despaired or gave up the battle. There were times that were better than others, including one 11 year period where I had few difficulties.

My SSA feelings started at age 13 when a scout physical exam discovered that my testicles had not yet descended. In those days sex was rarely a topic of discussion and I didn’t even know what testicles were, but I knew that I was somehow different than the other boys in a way that mattered: I was a freak and I could never let anyone else know of my secret. The physical defect corrected itself within 2 years, but the newly created psychological defect was ever present through much of my adult life. I did not choose to have this physical defect nor the psychological defect that led me to have SSA feelings and all of its attendant problems. Yes, I still had agency and could have chosen never to give into any of those feelings or desires, but as with so many others with this problem, I made many poor choices, and for those I take full responsibility. I know I was not born "this way" but that deficits center on abuse (sexual, physical or emotionally), poor father/child relationships, abandonment, somehow just feeling different that other boys, or a variety of other reasons.

Like others, I tended to envy other boys and idealize them to the point of making them idols that were to be worshiped. For whatever reason, this worship of other boys or men usually turns to sexualization and inappropriate desires and/or actions. At the same time, it often causes us to withdraw form many of the usual interactions with males and thus prevents the bonding that needs to take place for normal development. In short, there is a huge hole in the developmental years of our lives. When this happens to us, we become confused as to what is happening to us and why. In the Church, particularly, we try everything we can think of to make it go away, but nothing seems to work. Many of us go through periods of intense prayer, scripture reading, fasting, service to others, etc., but this doesn’t remove the problems, even though we may benefit in other ways. Feelings of hopelessness often result and lead to letdowns in our previous resolves to do better. Counseling, therapy, meeting with priesthood leaders, 12-step programs, having loving compassionate friends and mentors can help, but by themselves will usually fail to resolve the problems.

I wish with all of my heart that I had had some of the helps that are now available to members of the Church who struggle with SSA, but there was little or no understanding available concerning this weakness. This issue was rarely ever discussed or even mentioned except in certain hushed idiomatic ways that only reinforced my determination never to mention my secret to anyone. I now know that if those of us with this problem can talk openly with those who are compassionate and non-condemning, progress is much more rapid than when we isolate and try to deal with this problem all by ourselves. I strongly urge anyone who is concerned about someone with SSA to open the channels that open discussion can come in a loving way. I would have been horrified if my parents had found out about my SSA, but that may have been one of the best things that could have happened. I loved my father and I know that he loved me, but I perceived that he loved my two brothers more than he did me because they loved sports like he did. If only we could have talked about my misperceptions.

As a youngster, I was very shy and tended to be a perfectionist. I wanted so much to please my parents and others. Not all perfectionist males develop SSA, but many SSA men are perfectionists and try to "make things right." Another characteristic of many SSA men is that they over-interpret things. I tried not to fall into the trap of thinking that I was gay or homosexual just because I had these problems, but most SSA men do just that. I think we need to be very careful about applying labels to anyone, even in jest.

I had always prided myself on having a good knowledge of the scriptures and the gospel. Evidently, my knowledge was only superficial and concerned many things of lesser importance while missing some of the most important concepts of the gospel. Like many members of the Church, I felt that I had to perfect myself based on the scripture: "I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect." So, for many of the years of my struggle, I tried to overcome all of this all by myself, leaving no room for the Savior to operate in my life. Where was I all through Primary, Sunday School, priesthood meeting, institute classes, my mission, etc. How did I miss the very simplest, most basic doctrines of the gospel? He doesn’t expect me or anyone else to perfect ourselves in this life. As Moroni explains, perfection comes through Christ, who sanctifies us and purifies us to be able to stand in the presence of the Father after this life is over. Eventually, on the side we will become perfect in our own right. For Him to sanctify us and perfect us, he asks only that we have a broken heart and a contrite spirit (or in other words, genuine godly sorrow for our sins and imperfections, to repent of them and become completely submissive to His will and what He asks us to do).

In 1992, with the Lord’s great help, I was able to stop my 9-year acting out period by white-knuckling things. The Lord then stepped into my life in a greater way and allowed me to retire early from my job as a professor at UCLA, sell our home (after repairing earthquake damage) and move to Utah away from all of the influences I knew there. Here, I was able to find the help I needed to overcome my SSA problems, but if I had strayed in Los Angeles, I am not sure it would have been so. Once I was able to humble myself and submit to Him in every way, He lifted my burdens, helped me to repent, forgave my sins and sent His marvelous peace into my life. What a blessing it is not to have that battle raging every day of my life within my soul!!! I feel like I have emerged into His light and truth and I have no desire to return to the darkness of my SSA struggles or even to look back. I now know that change is indeed possible, even for those afflicted by SSA! In order to remain this way, I know I need to remain close to the Lord and His Spirit and stay firmly on the strait and narrow path He has again helped me find, with my hand firmly grasping the rod of iron and pressing steadily forward towards the Tree of Life.

I want to acknowledge J.R. and Deanna and all that they have done for me and my wife and so many others who struggle with SSA and its attendant problems. The Savior said: "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of my brethren, ye have done it unto me". These two wonderful people have visited many of us who are in the SSA prison and have helped us find hope and the Savior’s atoning sacrifice. They are as Christ-like as anyone I have ever met. They do much to help educate Church leaders at various levels on how to deal with those who suffer with SSA. I am so grateful for the family/friends support group in Ogden which they facilitate, and in which I found hope and answers that enabled me to find the Savior and the mighty change he wrought in me that allowed me to escape this demon.

I am no longer that "bad guy" that I was previously. I am a new man who knows and loves the Lord and His work. I love my wife for standing beside me through all of those years of struggling, even though she was unaware of what made me such a pain at times. It has now been about 2 ½ years since the Lord took all of this from me, and 14 months since I told my wife. I especially appreciate my wife for standing by through this 14 month period. She too is coming to know the Savior as she deals with the burdens I dumped on her by my confession. I pray that every person who deals with SSA from any perspective will let it lead you to Him who can heal all wounds and pain, and is waiting for each of us to acknowledge Him as our Lord and Savior in very deed.

In His Holy Name, even Jesus Christ, Amen.
 

Read the testimony of Bob's wife Gaye.