Bjorn's Testimony

Given at the 16th Annual Evergreen conference, September 15-16, 2006

Even though I first proposed to a girl at the tender age of three, I have always felt that I was different. I loved having my hair cut and when other boys talked about the girls at school, I rather spent my time looking at the boys. Oh, sure I thought the girls were nice, and even good looking, I just didn’t look at them in the same manner the other boys did. I was, however, sure that my feelings would change and didn’t worry too much about it.

In 1981, at the age of 16, I met the missionaries and after three months as an investigator, I was baptized in August of that year. During the first few years of my membership, my SSA feelings did not cause me any frustration. I served in the army, followed by a mission, and even though thoughts occasionally were present, I did not consider them a problem.

Following my mission, I moved to Utah and started my studies at BYU, and as the good Mormon I was, I knew that graduating from BYU without being married could almost be considered apostate behavior. I met a nice girl and we dated for five months, even planning our date of marriage, but the closer I got to this date, the more I started freaking out. I knew my feelings were not the way I wanted them to be. At the same time I totally fell in love with a young man, which eventually led me to attempt suicide through driving my car off a steep road. But thanks to my 1978 Chevy Nova, I was unsuccessful, something for which I am grateful today.

After graduation, without a wife, I did my master’s studies at the University of South Carolina and University of Utah, two years where I almost OD’d on temple attendance and Institute classes, praying in desperation to have my feelings go away. Nothing happened, and after returning to Europe, I met a great Danish girl, but when I went to visit her, I discovered I liked her brother-in-law more than her.

I now moved to Germany to work as a flight attendant, and to leave the Church, only to discover I could not live with the Church, nor without it, but I went inactive. In the mid 90’s a wonderful couple in Centerville first heard of Evergreen through the SSA struggle of a friend’s son. They suggested that I should contact Evergreen, but I felt that this was nothing for me, an attitude I had acquired through the gay people I associated with. In 1998, I decided that I needed to return to Church-activity, and the couple in Centerville again reminded me of Evergreen. I decided to give Evergreen a chance, and my first conference was in 1999.

With the exception of my conversion to the LDS Church, nothing has changed my life as my encounter with Evergreen International. I don’t know what I expected, except a small dark room with a few men gathered. When I arrived at the conference, I just wanted to cry. I was not alone in this. I was not the only LDS struggling with SSA, and after all the remarks I had heard in church, not directed at me, but general remarks, I finally understood that I am OK. I am not the only one.

Attending Evergreen’s conference–this year marks my sixth–is one of the yearly highlights in my life. Each year before I leave for the Evergreen conference I tell myself that next year I won’t be going, but for the fourth year in a row I have come back. And I have told myself that next year I want to tour Japan and Korea instead, but just wait and see.

In addition to telling me that I am not the only one struggling, Evergreen has taught me so much more. I have learned to listen to the leaders of the Church, which caused me to start reading the scriptures again, which in turn lead me to prayer. I am not born this way, but the Lord has allowed for me the feelings that I do have, and I know that the Lord does not try me more than I can handle. God has greater faith in me than I have, and through Evergreen and its conferences I have been reminded that I have Christ on my side, and that he is in this struggle with me. I have learned that only by being humble, and letting Christ into my life do I have a chance of coming through this struggle.

Through Evergreen I have found the strength to be an SSA struggler and remain an active member of the Church. I have learned to live with my emotions, and yes, I still find many men attractive, but I know how not to respond to those kinds of feelings. Even though I wish I would live somewhere where reparative therapy was accepted and I could have a chance to go through it, Evergreen has provided several resources through which I have come to understand myself and my feelings.

I have also work up courage to have had a lengthy correspondence with the Norwegian Minister of church and education on the subject of bringing SSA feelings under control and living a “normal” life, rather than buying into the arguments of the gay organizations.

I don’t know how long the road is that I have been called to travel, but I know I am heading in the right direction, thanks to a loving Father in Heaven, a caring Jesus Christ, and the help and friends I have found through Evergreen.

I know I have a Father who loves, and whom I love. Through the love and sacrifice of His son, Jesus Christ, I have found help in my struggle, and many wonderful friends act as His helpers on earth. And I am grateful for my struggle, just like my bout with cancer, and other illnesses, I have come closer to God and gotten to know myself better.