Behavior

by Jason Park

 © MathieuViennet - FOTOLIA

Click on a link below to jump directly to that heading on this page.

Introduction
Why change your behaviors?
Habits, addictions, and compulsions
Committing to change
Avoid homosexual behavior
Habits, addictions, and compulsions
Passions
Personal boundaries
Memories
Justifying homosexual behavior
Temptation
Sin
Suggestions for changing behavior patterns
Setbacks
Homosexual behavior is dangerous (HIV/AIDS)
The perils of homosexual behavior
Fantasy
Pornography
Masturbation
Cruising
Casual sex and long-term relationships
 

I often see men try one of two approaches to solve their homosexual problems. Some try to stop the behavior and suppress the desires but don’t work on identity issues or other deeper problems. Unfortunately, they find that sooner or later both the desires and the behavior return. My friend Alan tried numerous times to control his behavior by exercising willpower alone. Although he put up a good fight, he always found that the urges were stronger and more persistent than his willpower and he eventually gave in. Other people work on self-identity issues but don’t stop the behavior. They find that the continuing behaviors reinforce the feelings and obstruct their efforts to improve how they feel about themselves. The answer to both these situations lies in a balanced approach. A major focus of this book is on discovering the underlying causes and working on resolving those inner conflicts that generate the desires for homosexual actions. But at the same time, you must get your behavior in control so it does not reinforce the feelings you are trying to understand and redirect in appropriate ways. Although controlling your behavior is of utmost importance, it alone will not solve your problems. Long-term change depends on your perception of yourself and on your devotion to God. Behavior management is a prerequisite to behavior change.

This section explains that you can choose your behavior, how habits and addictions can compromise your power to choose, and how you can be safe by carefully setting personal boundaries on your actions. It warns against justifying homosexual behavior and discusses the concepts of temptation and sin. The section then gives suggestions for changing your behavior patterns and warns of the dangers of homosexual behavior. Finally, it gives specific counsel about controlling fantasy, pornography, masturbation, cruising, and homosexual behavior

President Boyd K. Packer said, "Many of you are burdened with unhappiness and worry and with guilt. Many of you struggle under the bondage of degrading habits or wrestle with loneliness or disappointment and failure. . . . We are not offended at all of these things. All of these things may be set aside—overcome. Whoever you are and whatever you are, we reach out to extend to you the hand of fellowship so that we can lift one another and lift others."¹

One of your priority tasks is to make constructive, positive changes in your habitual ways of behaving and relating to your environment. At first, you may have to take drastic measures to get your behavior under control. If you have not been deeply involved in sexual behaviors, your job will be less difficult. However, if you have been heavily involved in sexual activities you may have a more demanding struggle to overcome habits and sexual addictions. But if you are sincerely motivated and make a significant effort, you can overcome them and control your behavior. The comforting news is that as you resolve deeper issues, the compulsions and desires to act out will diminish or disappear and the struggle to control your behavior will be less demanding. As time passes, homosexual behavior will become less and less appealing, and even repulsive.

Behaviors are purposeful, and are governed by valid, ordered sequences of experience. While homosexual behavior may appear strange and without logic to many people, it served what you viewed as a useful purpose and was rational from your point of view. Barney Swihart wrote, "Sexual bondage is never about simple lust or external behavior. It is in response to the deep wounds of life that sexual strugglers develop self-protective relational walls to insulate themselves from further hurt. However, the sad irony is that the very walls they have cultivated to ‘protect’ themselves now have become the ‘prison’ that keeps them in bondage.²

Do your current behaviors build you up or tear you down? Look back at the values and goals you set for yourself in the chapter Making Life Choices. Do your current behaviors take you toward or away from your ultimate goals? When you behave contrary to your personal values, your internal feelings of self-worth decrease, but when you behave consistent with your personal values, those feelings of self-worth increase. Integrity is to have the moral courage to make your actions consistent with your knowledge of right and wrong. As you look at your behaviors, if you find any that are incongruent with the things you really value in life, change them to actions that are congruent with your deep values and with eternal gospel principles. President Spencer W. Kimball taught, "All normal people have sex urges and if they control such urges, they grow strong and masterful. If they yield to their carnal desires and urges, they get weaker until their sins get beyond control."³

Elder William R. Bradford observed, "We give our lives to that which we give our time."⁴ We become "oriented" to that to which we repeatedly give our hearts. Do you spend your time cruising or in righteous pursuits? Everything you do today affects your eternal future. You can destroy your future or build your future by the choices you make today. "Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good. . . ." (Isaiah 55:2) Behaving in harmony with eternal principles brings positive consequences, while violating them brings negative consequences.

Behavior is a choice

Stephen Covey wrote, "Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions. We can subordinate feelings to values. We have the initiative and the responsibility to make things happen."⁵ You may not have had a choice about the emergence of your homosexual attractions, but you do have a choice in how you respond to them. Although a person may crave food, he can learn to control his appetite and does not have to become obese. You have the choice of engaging in inappropriate activities or avoiding them. Each new choice in your life is an opportunity to move away from unwanted behaviors and toward a more desirable state.

Elder Delbert L. Stapley taught, "No man is free who is not master of himself. True freedom of agency exists with the observance of God’s laws."⁶ In an address in a general conference, President Boyd K. Packer spoke about homosexual attractions and gave the following counsel: "You may not be able, simply by choice, to free yourself at once from unworthy feelings. You can choose to give up the immoral expression of them."⁷ Abstinence from homosexual activity is required for healing to take place. Abstinence will help the behavioral patterns wither and die.

President Gordon B. Hinckley declares that "the Lord has made it clear, and the experience of centuries has confirmed it, that happiness lies not in immorality, but rather in abstinence. The voice of the Church to which you belong is a voice pleading for virtue. It is a voice pleading for strength to abstain from that which is evil. It is a voice declaring that sexual transgression is sin. It is contrary to the will of the Lord. It is contrary to the teachings of the Church. It is contrary to the happiness and well-being of those who indulge in it. . . . You should recognize, you must recognize, that both experience and divine wisdom dictate virtue and moral cleanliness as the way that leads to strength of character, peace in the heart, and happiness in life."⁸

If you want to change your behavior, you must be committed to do it. You have to decide to stop and determine to do it. You have to choose which will be "the last time." Will it be this one? Or the next one? Or the next? There will always be a "next" time until you decide that it must stop. If you don’t decide ahead of time, the situation will decide for you, and when faced with familiar situations, you will act in old, familiar ways. Perhaps your bad desires are not too strong, but your good desires are too weak. You need to encourage, sustain, and strengthen the good desires, rather than spend so much time trying to eradicate the bad ones.

Bob Ragan explained, "For some, the question of homosexuality as an option has not been resolved. The door is still being left open. Homosexual behavior isn’t deemed completely wrong. Mr. or Miss Right might still be out there. The heart decision has not been made to follow Jesus, no matter what. Wide is the path that leads to destruction and as long as we hold that homosexual behavior may be a viable option, we are not truly embracing the process."⁹ You have to decide once and for all that you will forsake incorrect ways and devote yourself to what is right before you can arrive at the attitude of having "no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually" (see Mosiah 5:2).

If you have never acted on your homosexual urges, congratulations! Many men have to spend a great deal of time and energy undoing behavioral habits and addictions. If you are not burdened with overcoming these, your task will be less difficult. You may be tempted to engage in homosexual activity thinking that if you were to experience it, you could "get it out of your system" and your fantasies could be put to rest. But this false illusion ignores the seductive power of sexual sin. Many people know that homosexual behavior doesn’t satisfy, but are enslaved by it anyway! It is much harder to close a door that has been opened than it is to not open the door in the first place.¹⁰ Be strong and don’t give in to homosexual behavior no matter how long your transition may take. Leo Hall wrote, "I have refrained from ever becoming sexually involved with another man. I choose not to ‘act out’ and sexualize my SSA feelings, but rather to ‘act on’ my need to love and be loved in Christlike ways."¹¹

Sexual behaviors can be extremely addictive, whether they involve fantasies, solitary activities, or actions with others. Habits and addictions are self-defeating behaviors that trade short-term benefits for long-term ones. Such behaviors are emotional, but not necessarily logical. Being in an addictive cycle is like drinking salt water. Although the salt water cannot fill your thirst, you continue drinking it because after all, it is water and you are thirsty. But the more you drink, the thirstier you become.

Elder Russell M. Nelson taught, "From an initial experiment thought to be trivial, a vicious cycle may follow. From trial comes a habit. From habit comes dependence. From dependence comes addiction. Its grasp is so gradual. Enslaving shackles of habit are too small to be sensed until they are too strong to be broken."¹²

Some people are more susceptible than others to addictions. Some people are more easily addicted to smoking than others. Some cannot take an occasional drink without becoming alcoholics. These tendencies may restrict the person’s freedom, but not his free agency. He may not be free to drink without addiction, but his free agency allows him to choose not to drink at all. Elder Dallin H. Oaks taught, "We all seem to have susceptibilities to one disorder or another, but whatever our susceptibilities, we have the will and the power to control our thoughts and our actions. This must be so. God has said that he holds us accountable for what we do and what we think, so our thoughts and actions must be controllable by our agency. Once we have reached the age or condition of accountability, the claim ‘I was born that way’ does not excuse actions or thoughts that fail to conform to the commandments of God. We need to learn how to live so that a weakness that is mortal will not prevent us from achieving the goal that is eternal."¹³

Elder Nelson explained, "While we are free to choose, once we have made those choices, we are tied to the consequences of those choices. We are free to take drugs or not. But once we choose to use a habit-forming drug, we are bound to the consequences of that choice. Addiction surrenders our later freedom to choose. Through chemical means, one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will!"¹⁴

Since behaviors become increasingly strengthened through repetition, we should avoid any behavior that is habit-forming or addictive. This is particularly important with sexual behaviors, because the intensity of the sensual pleasure adds to the addictive nature of the action. Joe Dallas wrote, "Compulsive sexual behavior . . . includes lust and poor self-control, of course, but it is much more than that. It is a repetitive, constant form of sexual activity that a person feels compelled—not just tempted—to indulge in. Usually this behavior is acted out in secretive, anonymous sexual encounters. . . . Seldom does it include one lover; most often it means brief trysts with several partners, most of whom will never be seen again. Or it may be a solitary addiction to pornography. Regardless, it’s bondage of the worst kind because there’s so much shame and remorse attached to it, making it terribly secretive and usually dangerous."¹⁵

Click here to read Message from a Friend by Tod Richards, is a warning of the dangers of promiscuous behavior from a man who never believed he would be infected by HIV.

Joe Dallas continued, "To be sexually addicted is to literally rely on sex to stabilize you. It’s a state in which the rush of sexual pleasure, with all its accompanying chemical forces has become to you what a drug has become to an addict. And like a drug, it begins to interfere with all parts of life. Breaking the cycle of sexual addiction is not just a matter of will in this case; it’s a matter of strategy, consistency, and patience."¹⁶

If you are engulfed in habits and addictions, they can be overcome by the incredible power of the human will, with the support of friends and loved ones, and through the omnipotent power of our Savior. Elder Russell M. Nelson taught, "Your willpower becomes strong when joined with the will of the Lord."¹⁷ Whether such mastery happens overnight or takes a significant amount of time, it can happen nonetheless. You may need to enlist the help of a twelve-step program, a support group, and a therapist to overcome addictions.

Avoid addictions by keeping the commandments. Addictive behavior compromises our will and serves Satan’s purposes. Behaviors that are reinforced continue and even become stronger. Those that are controlled become manageable. President Boyd K. Packer promised, "If you can control your thoughts, you can overcome habits, even degrading, personal habits. If you can learn to master them you will have a happy life."¹⁸

It is interesting to note the similarity between homosexual addictions and other compulsive behaviors. The things that trigger men to act homosexually tend to be the same things that those immersed in other addictions cite as instigating factors for their addictive behaviors. The instigating factors (stress, insecurity, depression, etc.) are the same; they simply have different methods of expression.

Addictions have physical, emotional, and spiritual components. Physically, you may be hooked on the excitement, the "rush," the adrenaline "buzz" of the sexual experience. You may be emotionally hooked through envy or shame. And spiritually, you may feel rejected by God and tempted to act in rebellion.

Passions

Passions can be powerful. Jack Hickey wrote, "Throughout history men have killed and have been killed for no other reason but to satisfy their passions. To feed their sexual drive some have lied, cheated, stolen, and murdered; have given up family, friends, and jobs. . . . A man who covets his friend’s wife will risk destruction of both families in order to satisfy his passion." He explained, "Most of the time, they never even stop to think of the consequences. If they do stop to think, the drive is often so strong that it doesn’t matter."¹⁹

As bad as you may consider your passions to be, they have a useful purpose. Don’t ask to be rid of your passions, rather, "see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love. . . ." (Alma 38:12). Wise use of your passions can help you develop true love which comes through controlling and directing your passions, not by allowing them unrestrained expression. In the classic musical production Camelot, there is a line with good advice for us all. When the love triangle between King Arthur, Guenevere, and Lancelot began to deepen, King Arthur said, "We must not let our passions destroy our dreams."

Personal boundaries

It is important to set and maintain boundaries for personal growth and development. Most Christian acts require restraint and boundaries. In fact, a critical lesson to learn in this life is to become masters of ourselves. In contrast, people of the world say that to deny yourself of worldly pleasures is to deny your true self. They emphasize feeling good rather than being good. They describe any form of self-restraint as self-loathing or homophobia. However, a peaceful society requires restraint, boundaries, moderation, and temperance.

You will likely need to set boundaries to get your behavior under control. By setting personal boundaries, you use your agency to temporarily limit certain individual freedoms to help achieve more important eternal freedoms. If you know you are susceptible to certain addictive behaviors, you can decide to limit your access to places or conditions that might make it easy for you to go astray. Since addictions can limit or compromise more important freedoms, it is important to forgo less important, temporary freedoms for more important eternal ones. If you are tempted to go to an adult bookstore on the way home from work, you may have to take a different route that does not pass by the bookstore. Choose boundaries that keep you well inside a zone of safety. Old habit patterns have to be starved before they shrivel and die.

In addition to the outward boundaries discussed above, it may be helpful to define boundaries in personal and interpersonal areas.

Physical boundaries. It is important to show affection, and through the healing process, hugging and physical touch can be important. However, it is also important to recognize that each person comes from a different background and has his own limits of personal space. What may be an appropriate hug for one person may be too intimate for another. When a person is starved for affection and conditioned to respond sexually, an otherwise appropriate hug may arouse or make him think inappropriate thoughts. Therefore, it is important to be aware of what is comfortable and appropriate both for you and for the other person. Once you define your personal boundaries, let others know what they are. And before you hug someone else, be sure you know it is within his personal boundaries.

Sexual boundaries. Your attractions and sexuality are your own and you can set boundaries that define what you will do. As steward of your own sexuality, you are responsible for seeing that others do not use you in sexual ways and that you do not use them. In addition to obvious sexual actions, there are other areas to be avoided. Flirting, "gay talk," innuendo, and suggestive conversation show disrespect for the other person and are a form of manipulation and predatory behavior. Fantasizing sexually about someone else is using them without their permission. Such actions affect your self-concept and your relationship with the other person. This is a particularly difficult area for people who have been abused sexually, because they often have difficulty differentiating between sexuality and true loving feelings.

Emotional boundaries. You often cannot control how you feel. Although you can choose how to respond to your emotions, you may feel happy or sad or angry through no choice of your own. Emotions are not necessarily right or wrong; it is not always good to be happy, and not always bad to feel sad. However, understanding these emotions can give you clues to understanding yourself. Others can violate your emotional boundaries by doing things such as the following: telling you how you should feel, telling you they know how you feel, taking it on themselves to "fix" things for you, dumping their emotions on you, or using you to make them feel better without regard for what it does to you. Of course, you can violate the boundaries of others by doing the same things to them.

Intellectual boundaries. Our thought processes reflect our feelings, opinions, and perspectives, and not necessarily facts. You have a right to sort out what you think, and need to give others the right to think and decide for themselves also. If you disagree with someone, it is not your job to fix their way of thinking.

Spiritual boundaries. Your beliefs belong to you and the beliefs of others belong to them. A violation of spiritual boundaries occurs when you tell someone, "You can’t believe that." You cannot force a person to believe something any more than you can force them to think or feel the way you want them to. Likewise, you cannot live on the spiritual beliefs of others; sooner or later you need to determine what you believe for yourself.

Abuse in any form is a violation of a boundary. If we want to avoid abusing others, we need to respect their boundaries. If we want to avoid being abused by another, we must constantly define, redefine, evaluate, and maintain our boundaries. Respect is a key to avoiding abuse.

Memories

Bob Davies and Lori Rentzel wrote, "Our memory is a marvelous gift, but it can also seem like a curse at times. If we previously indulged in sexual sin, it is hard to forget graphic details."²⁰ Satan will continually try to bring these memories to the surface to entice us back into old thoughts and behaviors. He will magnify the good times in the past, reminding us how exciting and pleasurable it was, but will leave out the heartache, loneliness, and frustration we felt. In his book Desires in Conflict, Joe Dallas explained, "Your memories look good only because you’re not seeing them panoramically. Take them to their logical conclusion, considering not only what you did and enjoyed, but where it was leading you, and you get a more accurate picture of your past. That’s how you shake off the power of ‘good’ memories—you view them with an eternal perspective."²¹ When you are reminded of the past, pray for an accurate and complete picture of it.

It takes time to get over old habits. Even after I found healthy ways to meet my emotional needs with other men, I was still occasionally drawn toward sexual activity because of previous habit-forming experiences. Our minds and emotions remember those experiences and continue to be drawn toward them long after we have satisfied the needs that originally drove us to them. Memories take a while to forget and we may be vulnerable to those possibilities until we forget the memories of them. But over time, the memories will fade if we don’t dwell on them or reinforce them. And the best way to hasten that process is to make new, better memories to replace the old.

Justifying homosexual behavior

Emotional difficulties do not grant any special rights to engage in illicit sexual actions. God’s commandments apply universally to everyone and we are on dangerous ground when we seek to justify our behavior, assuming we know more about what is best for us than God does. Some are tempted to believe that they have a unique situation and therefore God’s commandments don’t apply to them. Some men believe that since they are not attracted to women, and feel they cannot marry and enjoy heterosexual relations, they should be allowed some sexual expression with men. But God has revealed only one law of moral conduct, which is abstinence outside of lawful marriage between a man and a woman, and fidelity within marriage. A 1991 letter from the First Presidency addressed to all members of the Church said, "Sexual relations are proper only between husband and wife appropriately expressed within the bonds of marriage. Any other sexual contact, including fornication, adultery, and homosexual and lesbian behavior, is sinful."²² Notwithstanding these clear counsels, some still argue it is not fair that they are prohibited from acting on their homosexual feelings. They apparently don’t understand that one purpose of this life is to learn self-control and obedience to God’s commandments. Life appears not to be fair to teenagers who are restricted from acting on their sexual impulses, nor to a physically disabled person who is not able to function sexually, nor to divorced or widowed people who no longer have a lawful outlet for their sexual desires. Speaking in a general conference on the subject of homosexual attractions, President Boyd K. Packer said, "Now, in a spirit of sympathy and love, I speak to you who may be struggling against temptations for which there is no moral expression. Some have resisted temptation but never seem to be free from it. Do not yield! Cultivate the spiritual strength to resist—all of your life, if need be. . . . The suffering you endure from resisting or from leaving a life-style of addiction or perversion is not a hundredth part of that suffered by your parents, your spouse or your children, if you give up. Theirs is an innocent suffering because they love you. To keep resisting or to withdraw from such a life-style is an act of genuine unselfishness, a sacrifice you place on the altar of obedience. It will bring enormous spiritual rewards."²³

Some try to justify homosexual behavior by saying that our enlightened modern society now sees it as an acceptable expression between two men who love each other. President Spencer W. Kimball showed the fallacy in this kind of thinking when he explained that "right and wrong, righteousness and sin, are not dependent upon man’s interpretations, conventions and attitudes. Social acceptance does not change the status of an act, making wrong into right. If all the people in the world were to accept homosexuality, as it seems to have been accepted in Sodom and Gomorrah, the practice would still be deep, dark sin."²⁴ You may wish to read President Boyd K. Packer’s general conference address in which he spoke about those who try to justify a gay lifestyle (see "Covenants," Ensign, Nov. 1990, pp. 84–86).

Another subtle form of justification is to accept a lower standard for ourselves than the one revealed in scripture and through modern prophets. Alan Medinger counsels us to be on guard against "the attitude that says, ‘God, I am doing the best I can do; this is just the way I am.’ Rather than working towards the gospel standard, we adopt a tolerant, indulgent attitude that declares, ‘If I only go off on a sexual binge once a year, I’m better off than I used to be. Besides, God understands my weakness.’ I have known people who for years have justified their ongoing sin as being reasonable, given their emotional and psychological makeup."²⁵ It is subtly arrogant to assume that our understanding of ourselves exceeds what God has revealed in scripture and through his prophets.

Temptation

Temptation is not sin.²⁶ One of Satan’s traps is to convince you that you are sinning when you are merely experiencing temptation. Don’t feel guilty or ask forgiveness for temptations or attractions over which you have no control. The temptations themselves are not sinful (see Hebrews 4:15), but your reactions to them may be. When a temptation comes, you can either dismiss it or nurture it. If you dismiss it, it is no sin; but if you nurture it, it will grow into lust and then behavior.

Temptation is not identity. Just because you are tempted by homosexual feelings, it does not mean you are a homosexual. Satan may continue to tempt you with things from your past, although you have left them behind.

Temptation is not a sign of low spirituality. Don’t feel that you are falling apart spiritually because you experience temptation. Sometimes Satan tempts us more when we are growing spiritually. The scriptures are full of accounts of strong people who were continually tempted. Remember, Satan even tempted the Savior!

Temptation is not unique to you. Everyone faces temptation. Satan may use slightly different approaches with different people, but the basic temptations, such as envy, lust, and selfishness, are common to everyone.

Sin

Dr. William Consiglio gives a good distinction between temptation and sin: "Feelings, attractions, urges, desires, longings, are all temptations. Acting on any of these mentally or physically is sin."²⁷ When you are tempted, do you dismiss the temptation or indulge it? Do you starve it or feed it? Elder Orson F. Whitney explained, "Sin is the transgression of divine law, as made known through the conscience or by revelation. A man sins when he violates his conscience, going contrary to light and knowledge—not the light and knowledge that has come to his neighbor, but that which has come to himself. He sins when he does the opposite of what he knows to be right."²⁸

Joe Dallas explained, "Christ’s prohibition against lust (Matthew 5:28) certainly applies to the entertaining of sexual fantasies and erotic desires outside of marriage, but not to the unaroused condition of homosexuality. (Or the unaroused condition of heterosexuality, for that matter. A heterosexual male is attracted to women, but he is not always lusting after them. A homosexual male is attracted to men, but he’s not always lusting after them.)"²⁹

It is important to do what is right, but it is also important that you not do what is wrong. I used to think that it was okay to do some wrong things as long as I did a lot of good things to make up for them. I looked at it as a mathematical equation and thought I was okay as long as the sum was positive. I finally came to realize that doing what was right was not good enough if I also had a mindset to do what was wrong. As important as it is to do what is right, it is equally important to not do what is wrong.

Although we should abhor sin, we must be careful not to hate ourselves when we sin. Having just spoken in a general conference about those who are attracted to the same gender, President Gordon B. Hinckley declared, "Having said this, I desire now to say with emphasis that our concern for the bitter fruit of sin is coupled with Christlike sympathy for its victims, innocent or culpable. We advocate the example of the Lord, who condemned the sin, yet loved the sinner. We should reach out with kindness and comfort to the afflicted, ministering to their needs and assisting them with their problems. We repeat, however, that the way of safety and the road to happiness lie in abstinence before marriage and fidelity following marriage."³⁰

President Ezra Taft Benson counseled, "Stay morally clean. This means that you keep a clean mind. Your thoughts will determine your actions, and so they must be controlled. It’s difficult to control those thoughts if you submit yourself to temptation. So you will have to carefully select your reading material, the movies you see, and the other forms of entertainment in order to have good thoughts rather than unwholesome desires."³¹ Some men say they want to change their behavior, but then flirt with temptation. If you are serious in your intent, steer clear of situations that might present temptations and do all you can to keep righteous thoughts and the spirit of the Holy Ghost with you. Jacob taught, "Remember, to be carnally-minded is death, and to be spiritually-minded is life eternal" (2 Nephi 9:39).

The scriptures remind us to put on the armor of God (see 2 Nephi 1:23 and D&C 27:15–18). When your spiritual defenses are high, you will be much stronger in the face of temptation. Don’t leave off any piece of armor or you may be vulnerable to attack.

Dr. William Consiglio identifies six steps that happen when you notice an attractive man.³² At any point, you can choose to stop the cycle, but the further down the path you go, the more willpower it takes to stop.

1. Visual attraction. Although you can’t help but notice a man who has certain features that you consider attractive, you can choose to turn away or continue on to the other five steps.
2. Visual attention. You give him your attention.
3. Visual pleasure. You experience pleasure looking at him.
4. Sexual pleasure. You begin to experience arousal or excitement.
5. Desire for encounter. You want to make contact with him (or you keep the eroticized memory of him in your fantasy bank for later recall).
6. Act to encounter. You act to make contact with him.
   

Search for insight into your motives and an objective view of your behavior. When you are attracted to a man, ask yourself what attracts you. If it is his masculinity, then recognize it for that and turn your thoughts to what you can do to feel more masculine. When you are in need, it is fruitless to chase after something that cannot fill that need. You can never get enough of what you don’t need.

I finally realized that part of the reason for my attractions to college-aged men was envy of the lifestyle they lead. When I was in college, I had practically no free time since I had a full-time job in addition to being a full-time student. I feel I missed the fun and exciting college scene and I still desired that lifestyle. The attractions diminished considerably once I recognized that, and I was able to focus my efforts on making my life more fun and exciting.

A while back, I discovered two important questions to ask myself. The first question: "What are the characteristics of men I find attractive?" To this, I answered: twenty to thirty-five, masculine in appearance and action, muscular build, successful professional, over-achiever, and outgoing personality. The second question was quite revealing: "If I could change anything about myself, what are the characteristics I would like to have?" To my surprise, I discovered that my list of answers for both questions was the same. I found I was attracted to men who have the traits I wished I had. I was attracted to those who looked the way I wished I looked and had the masculine characteristics I wished I had. Once I realized that, I knew I couldn’t magically possess these traits by chasing after men who had them. I needed to start working to develop them.

Try to recognize your attractions and learn to deal with them on an emotional level without letting them develop into behavior. As you begin to see things in perspective, the temptations for sexual misbehavior will become less enticing and dwindle in number, and you will achieve greater mastery over your fantasies.

When attracted to another man, many of us dehumanize him. As we fantasize about him, we say, "that is gorgeous," and we treat him as an object and not as a real person. Turning a person into an object makes it easier to act sexually with him. If you catch yourself in this trap, try to make the person real by recognizing that he has a family who loves him and that he has feelings and needs of his own. If possible, try to get to know him. I find that when the mysterious becomes familiar, my attractions diminish. I remember a particular night when a new guy showed up at our group meeting. His appearance was stunning. His dark tan, curly hair, and piercing blue eyes caught my attention immediately and I found myself staring at him during most of the meeting. I finally realized that I had dehumanized him and was treating him as an object. So after the meeting, I introduced myself and talked with him so I could humanize him. I found out that it was the first time Tom had been to a support group meeting. Some devastating things had just happened in his life and he was in a vulnerable condition. My physical attraction for him quickly turned into concern for him as a person. The more I talked with Tom, the more I got to know him and I became concerned that his involvement in the group would give him some answers and help him. Knowing that, how could I even consider being attracted to Tom in any way other than as a pure friend? It is much more fulfilling to support a man as a friend than it ever could be to act out with him sexually.

Visualize the consequences

When you are tempted to act sexually, all you think about is the pleasure of the moment. Break out of the erotic enticement by thinking ahead and visualizing how you would feel afterwards. "It would be a setback for me." "It wouldn’t really satisfy me anyway." "It would bring me down and I deserve better than that." Follow the action through to its logical conclusion.

Use humor and exaggeration

Dr. William Consiglio suggests this technique to help snap you back into reality. He gives an example of noticing a handsome man: "You begin to idealize his features and take visual pleasure in him as you begin to watch him. Silently, though you can’t actually hear it, you’re saying, ‘What nice, muscular arms he has; what beautiful blue eyes and dark black hair he has; what gorgeous teeth and a strong masculine face he has.’ This secret thinking produces erotic feelings and reinforces homosexuality."³³ To counteract this, he suggests that you exaggerate what you say to yourself. In this example, you might say, "‘This man must be a Greek god. I’ve just got to go up and talk with him. I must get close to him or I’ll absolutely die. If I can just get to know him, my whole life will be absolutely wonderful from now on. He is so perfect. If I could just touch him I know that I’ll never be unhappy again. If I could just gaze into those liquid eyes of blue radiance, I will be in ecstasy forever.’"³⁴ Gerard van den Aardweg also suggests using humor in his book Homosexuality and Hope.³⁵ Just as children are able to see the silly side of almost anything, you can use humor to get through the crises in your life. When you begin to feel stress, neutralize it by reading an amusing book, listening to a funny tape, or just looking for the humor in life.

Watch for triggers

Learn what sets you up for inappropriate behavior. You may be vulnerable to a number of people, events, and situations that can trigger homosexual feelings. Once you understand what influences you, then you can avoid those situations or change your perceptions. Triggers may include a wide variety of things such as particular songs that bring back specific memories, certain types of music, TV programs, movies, erotic literature, the use of alcohol or drugs, provocative clothing, cruising areas, or specific locations that bring back memories of homosexual events. When you feel triggered, ask yourself why. Examine the attractions and try to determine why you feel the way you do. If you can recognize the reason for your feelings, you will be in a better position to deal with them.

Spiritual highs or other positive events always used to trigger me. Since inwardly I didn’t feel I deserved the good experiences, I subconsciously engaged in self-defeating behaviors to counteract the spiritual high or good feelings. I also think it was Satan’s direct attempt to dilute the positive effect of the experiences and drive the Spirit away. I urge you to use caution after a positive experience in a group or church meeting and watch your actions and conversations so you can continue to enjoy the Spirit and think about and process the things you experienced.

We are usually the most vulnerable when we feel bored, stressed, angry, lonely, tired, hungry, depressed, discouraged, in pain, inadequate, or guilty. Some people use the acronyms HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) or BLAHST (bored, lonely, angry, hungry, stressed, tired) to remind them of these conditions that can put them at risk for homosexual behavior. When these conditions arise and you feel like acting out, look at the situation and try to find a legitimate fix. If you are hungry and tired, rather than go cruising, get something to eat and go to bed. When you feel the desire to masturbate, try to discover what your real needs are. It may be that you feel lonely or isolated and the real need is for friendship. Do you need to feel appreciated by someone? Are you lonely and just need someone to talk with? Is sex your way of relieving stress? If you have sex, will these real needs be satisfied or only intensified? You may need extra help when you are under stress, lonely, in an unfamiliar setting, or when you are depressed or bored. Plan ahead an alternative course of action to react to these conditions. Set up a network of friends from your support group that you can call when you need help.

When I don’t feel good about myself as a man and have self-doubts, I find I am attracted to other men who appear strong, confident, and sure of themselves. The attractions are not sexual anymore, but feelings of curiosity and a desire to get to know these men who have what I feel I am lacking. When I feel this way, it tells me that I am not taking care of myself. I can then look for the stress or the emotional issue that is not being addressed, and find a way to take care of it.

Avoid situations where you will be vulnerable. Don’t kid yourself into thinking that you can flirt with temptation without being affected. Alter the route you take to and from work if that route presents problems for you. Do what you can to control your environment. If you want to overcome homosexual behavior, don’t associate with those who are constantly indulging in it and boasting about it.

Control your thoughts

President Gordon B. Hinckley explained, "Mental control must be stronger than physical appetites or desires of the flesh. As thoughts are brought into complete harmony with revealed truth, actions will then become appropriate. . . . Each of us, with discipline and effort, has the capacity to control his thoughts and his actions. This is part of the process of developing spiritual, physical, and emotional maturity."³⁶ Thoughts generate actions which lead to habits which develop character which influences our destiny.

President David O. McKay observed, "One chief purpose of life is to overcome evil tendencies, to govern our appetites, to control our passions—anger, hatred, jealousy, immorality.³⁷ The methods of controlling homosexual temptations are similar to those for controlling any other temptation and there are many good books written on the subject. The First Presidency reminds us of the value of hymns: "Hymns can lift our spirits, give us courage, and move us to righteous action. They can fill our souls with heavenly thoughts and bring us a spirit of peace. Hymns can also help us withstand the temptations of the adversary. We encourage you to memorize your favorite hymns and study the scriptures that relate to them. Then, if unworthy thoughts enter your mind, sing a hymn to yourself, crowding out the evil with the good."³⁸

Be accountable

An important part in changing our behavior is to be accountable to someone. You should make an accounting to God in daily prayer, confessing your weaknesses and asking for His strength to make it through the day. You should also be accountable to your bishop in regular interviews for sins that should be confessed. You can be accountable to your therapist for how well you are following your plan of action. In addition, you may need another person in whom you can confide. This may be someone from your support group who also struggles with homosexuality or it could be a close friend who cares about you. In the Book of James we read, "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much" (James 5:16).

My friend Todd wrote, "When I got tempted to get in the car and go to a cruising spot, I could instead call a friend who knew of my difficulties and I would ask if we could get together and play racquetball, or go to a show, or simply sit down and talk for a while. Often such activity only served to get me through a single night when I was having problems. But it got me through one night. Remember that when we are talking about addictive behaviors, the old twelve–step motto of ‘one day at a time’ is all we can ask for and probably all we should attempt. Over time, I found that my crises tended to diminish in intensity and frequency, but there were definitely many nights I had to call one of my emergency resources."

You can cope with today. Don’t worry yet about the challenges you may have to face tomorrow. When you are preoccupied with tomorrow, you miss out on the meaningful experiences of today. Concentrate on the present and you will see that the future takes care of itself. Can you divert a river all at once? No, but you can place one sandbag at a time that will eventually change its course. Don’t expect to be able to change your entire character overnight. Remove one bad habit today and replace it with another good habit. It will be a long climb up the mountain but then you’ll stand high atop it as a free man.

Why do we sexualize the solution to our needs? Alan Medinger wrote, "I believe we do this because sex is one of the most intense experiences most people have, and whatever sex touches becomes more alive. Just as salt enhances the flavor of food, sex intensifies the power of any experience."³⁹ Sex brings excitement when you are lonely or bored. One of the reasons I was enticed by homosexual activities was that I wanted more excitement in my life. The gay world held a certain mystique for me and homosexual encounters appeared exciting.

Use endorphin as the antidote for adrenalin. Endorphin is the body’s natural hormone that produces a natural high and lasts longer than adrenalin. Runners experience an endorphin high when they "break through the wall." Endorphin is experienced through good, natural experiences such as laughter, contentment, or spiritual experiences. President Spencer W. Kimball reminds us that "good times and happy lives and clean fun are not dependent upon the glamorous, the pompous, the extremes."⁴⁰

As you break from negative influences, be sure to replace them with new, positive activities and relationships. As you break from negative influences, be sure to replace them with new, positive activities and relationships. Rather than trying to discard a bad habit or a bad thought, you need to replace it with something good. When you remove the seemingly exciting homosexual behavior, your life will seem quite dull unless you fill the void with new, uplifting, and rewarding things. When you take cruising from your life, you will find many hours you can now devote to your family, your church calling, or service to others. You may want to start a new hobby or spend the time developing new relationships with people. Make time for activities you enjoy. Studies have shown that when people work on projects or activities they enjoy, their blood chemistry is altered almost immediately in a positive way.

If you focus on the negative—all the things you can’t do—the past you are trying to leave will look even more attractive. Instead, focus on the positive—all the great things you are working toward. The old behaviors brought only temporary pleasure, while the new ones will bring lasting joy. Changing behaviors does not have to be viewed as restrictive. Instead, look at it as opening whole new worlds of opportunity. In reality, the old behavioral patterns were restrictive; they locked you into addictive patterns of responding and they held you back from the things you really wanted. Changing your behavior to be in line with your values will release you to move to higher levels of fulfillment and joy. Don’t concentrate on the things you are removing from your life, but focus on things you can add to your life.

The Apostle Paul admonished us to "put off . . . the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; and . . . put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness" (Ephesians 4:22, 24). New spiritual things must replace old carnal habits and thoughts. We must diligently seek a new life to replace the old.

Setbacks

As you begin to face issues head on, you may experience increased stress as old wounds are opened and dealt with. As a result, you may experience a greater pull toward old behaviors as a way to cope with these increased feelings. Therefore, be on guard with increased resistance to avoid setbacks. You can stop homosexual behavior. Recommit yourself to live the standards of the gospel, knowing that as you work to resolve your problems the temptations may be strong, but your determination is even stronger.

If you do backslide, don’t think that everything has gone down the drain. Don’t minimize the consequences of what happened, but realize it is only a temporary setback and don’t let it defeat you. A slip or even a fall does not return you to point zero. Get back on your feet with new resolve and remember that all forward movement is cumulative and makes a difference. The very fact that you feel bad about it shows you are progressing. Don’t cover up the pain because pain is a warning. Feel it completely, repent, pick up the pieces, and move ahead. Learn from your mistake, so if you see the pattern developing again, you will have the experience and tools to stop it before it develops into homosexual actions. Focus on the progress you have made. Read your journal to remind yourself how far you have come. If you don’t reach your goal the first time, don’t consider yourself a failure. Failure is not trying at all.

Consider how you would respond if you were to eat something you shouldn’t on a diet. You could either tell yourself you slipped and immediately resume your diet or be so weighed down with guilt that you go on a self-defeating bing. If you continue binging, you regain all the weight you lost, then blame the diet for not working. In fact, the diet was working well; it was the way you responded to your setback that caused your defeat.

Your personal plan of action contains specific things you need to do. If you don’t keep on guard and follow your plan, there is a chance you could slip or fall. Just like a car, you need to keep yourself well maintained to function properly. If you let spiritual, emotional, physical, or intellectual things slide, you put yourself in jeopardy. Maintenance will be important throughout the rest of your life. President Spencer W. Kimball taught that overcoming the effects of homosexuality "is as permanent as the individual makes it and, like the cure for alcoholism, is subject to continued vigilance."⁴²

If you relapse, does it mean you haven’t really changed? No. Continued temptation may actually be proof that you are still in the battle. It is only when you accept sin as good that it ceases to be a problem and begins to feel natural. If sin becomes the acceptable solution to the pain, then you have learned to choose it over God. But the fact that you continue to try means that you have not accepted the easy way out and you know there is something better. The scriptures do not promise that we will reach a place in this life where we are never tempted again. We need to continually watch and pray lest we fall into temptation (see D&C 20:33). But we can be reassured we are no longer the people we used to be as we continue to improve and come closer to our goal of becoming like Christ.

Homosexual behavior is dangerous

Homosexual behavior is dangerous to you spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Cruising late at night in dark places can make you vulnerable to physical attack. Sexual behavior may also put your life and health at risk because of diseases that are transmitted through sexual contact. Addictive sexual behavior can be particularly dangerous because the compulsive actions can prevail over a person’s better judgment and he may engage in behaviors that are deadly. Men who engage in homosexual behavior account for 80% of America’s most serious sexually-transmitted diseases, although they comprise only 5–10% of the population.⁴³ Those who contract AIDS die at the median age of thirty-nine. Those who don’t get AIDS die at the median age of forty-two.⁴⁴

Click here to read Message from a Friend by Tod Richards, is a warning of the dangers of promiscuous behavior from a man who never believed he would be infected by HIV.

HIV/AIDS

HIV is the Human Immunodeficiency Virus that attacks the body’s immune system and weakens its ability to defend itself against disease. A person infected with the virus is considered HIV-positive. When HIV weakens the immune system to the point that the body is no longer able to defend itself—indicated in part by a T-cell count of less than 200—a person is said to have AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome). Such a weakened immune system is no longer able to fight off serious infections, diseases, and some types of cancer. About half of the people infected with HIV develop AIDS within 10 years; some stay healthy for fifteen years or longer.⁴⁵

The Centers for Disease Control estimate that up to 900,000 Americans—one in 800 women and one in 100 men—are infected with HIV, and perhaps half are unaware of their infection.⁴⁶ The Surgeon General said, "Today, most of the people with AIDS are young adults. Although survival times have improved greatly for people who are diagnosed early and receive medical treatment, the disease is usually fatal."⁴⁷

Everyone needs to become informed about HIV and AIDS and avoid actions that place themselves or others at risk. HIV is in the blood, semen, or vaginal secretions of an infected person. The two main ways of spreading HIV are having sex and using contaminated needles to inject drugs. In addition, infected women can pass HIV infection to their newborns. HIV can be in semen, including the first drop of fluid, even before ejaculation. HIV can enter the body through the penis, rectum, or mouth. Anal sex is especially dangerous. The Surgeon General has said, "Condoms provide some protection, but anal intercourse is simply too dangerous a practice."⁴⁸ Performing oral sex is risky because getting semen or blood from an infected person in your mouth puts you at risk of HIV infection.⁴⁹ Sores or cuts in your mouth make it even more risky. According to the Journal of AIDS and the Centers for Disease Control, receiving unprotected oral sex also puts you at risk to be infected with HIV.⁵⁰

A person can become infected with HIV through a single sexual contact. The risk of infection increases exponentially with each additional sexual contact. Doubling the number of contacts does not merely double the risk, because you can be exposed to HIV not only directly from the sex partner but also indirectly from all his former partners. It is estimated that half of those who are infected don’t know it. Others may know they are HIV-positive but still engage in risky behaviors because of denial or anger, or because they are past caring. Others lie about their HIV-positive status in order to have sex. A survey of HIV-positive men revealed that 11% had lied and said they were HIV-negative in order to have sex.⁵¹ A person under the influence of compulsive sex doesn’t think clearly and may take unusual risks that place his own life and the lives of others in jeopardy.

If one in 100 men in America are HIV-positive, how many men who participate in homosexual behavior are infected? One in ten? One in five? How many men who cruise at a given location are infected? One in two? Don’t believe you can’t get infected. Some men feel that since they don’t live in a large city, the chances of infection are small. But infection happens at alarming rates in Salt Lake City and Spokane and Albuquerque and Memphis and Tampa and Cleveland and every other city. I have several friends who thought they were safe and now are infected with HIV. A survey of gay and bisexual males found that in spite of a very accurate understanding of HIV infection, 63% had participated in behavior that put them at "extreme risk."⁵² Another survey showed that of those who received anal intercourse, 58% had a partner ejaculate in them without the protection of a condom⁵³ and only 8% used condoms consistently with their most recent sex partner.⁵⁴ Among HIV-positive men who had insertive anal intercourse, 19% ejaculated without wearing a condom⁵⁵ and of those who had oral sex, 26% ejaculated in another man’s mouth, most typically with someone they had just met.⁵⁶

Dennis wrote the following warning: "I assumed what I thought to be a low level of risk. I had very little anal sex, and always with a condom. I was very careful with oral sex and never let anyone ejaculate in my mouth. I checked my mouth for sores and never had oral sex within a half hour of eating, brushing, or flossing. Although I thought I was being careful, I now realize that I was playing Russian roulette, and I lost. Last spring I tested positive and my T-cell count is now 196, which means I officially have AIDS."

It is important not to judge people who have become infected. Regardless of the actions that allowed the infection, they deserve suffering or death no more than anyone else. What they need most desperately is our love and concern. When tragedy strikes, we should feel sympathy as fellow sinners and fellow sufferers. And if we start looking for an object lesson in the tragedy, we should apply the lesson to ourselves rather than to them. Let the misfortunes of others alert us to the urgency of our own state of affairs.

If you have been involved in even marginally-risky behavior, including giving or receiving oral sex, you should be tested for HIV and other sexually-transmitted diseases. If you are married, your wife should also be tested. Although it may be a frightening thing to do, it is necessary for your own health and that of your family. Early diagnosis can reduce the chance of spreading the disease further and early treatment can slow down the onset of symptoms and HIV-related illnesses, potentially adding years to your lives. For information about testing, contact your county public health office or local chapter of the Red Cross.

LDS men who are infected with HIV or have AIDS often have great needs for emotional, psychological, social, spiritual, and financial support. Since most government and private organizations that offer such help have espoused gay-affirmative values, the LDS man may find himself at odds with their goals and find it difficult to get much positive assistance from them. In these cases, it may be especially important to offer him your encouragement, love, support, and acceptance.

In 1988, the First Presidency issued a statement on AIDS and the following year a special four-page bulletin on AIDS was sent to Church leaders throughout the world giving information and guidelines.⁵⁷ In these documents, the First Presidency admonishes Church members to become informed about AIDS and to extend Christlike sympathy and compassion to all who are infected or ill with AIDS. They encouraged leaders and members to "reach out with kindness and comfort to the afflicted, ministering to their needs and helping them with their problems."

Many of your questions about HIV and AIDS can be answered confidentially over the phone by calling the National AIDS Information Hotline sponsored by the Centers for Disease Control at 800/342–AIDS (Spanish: 800/344–SIDA; hearing impaired: 800/AIDS-TTY).

For advice from a Christian perspective, contact Americans For A Sound AIDS/HIV Policy, P. O. Box 17433, Washington, DC 20041 (telephone: 703/471–7350).

To find a support group for Christians with HIV or AIDS, contact the Christian AIDS Services Alliance, P. O. Box 3612, San Rafael, CA 94912.

Less than 2% of the gay population survives to age sixty-five. Gay people commit suicide at much higher rates than national averages.⁵⁸ Gay people generally attribute these problems to the oppression and hate they receive from society. However, the internal struggle with homosexuality creates much emptiness and despair.

My friend Spencer wrote the following experience: "This afternoon, as I walked down Christopher Street in Greenwich Village, I saw in a snapshot view both the allure and tragedy of the gay world. Walking toward me was a man in his late twenties. With his gym bag in hand, shoulders back and chest out, he felt proud of his pumped body. I imagined he was headed home to ready himself for a night of entertainment and fun. He was confident and on top of the world. Just after he passed me, I came upon another man also in his late twenties. I almost stumbled into him because he was inching his way down the sidewalk with the help of a cane. Judging from his bald head and the lesions on his face and arms, I assumed he was in the final stages of AIDS. On this beautiful Saturday, he felt well enough to venture out of the house for a short walk in the fresh air. About thirty feet after I passed him, I had to stop and look back on the scene I had just witnessed. In the distance I could still see the healthy young man walking briskly, ready for good times and adventure. In the foreground was the heart-wrenching sight of the other young man who was barely able to walk, a victim of the adventurous lifestyle that the healthy young man was so eager to pursue. I wished I could get the healthy young man to stop and talk with the other young man to see if any advice he would give could save him from a similar plight."

Fantasy

Mark Laaser writes that the three building blocks of sexual addiction are fantasy, pornography, and masturbation.⁵⁹ James Allen wrote that a man’s mind is like a garden that may be intelligently cultivated or allowed to run wild, but whether cultivated or neglected, it will produce either useful plants or useless weeds. Whatever we allow to enter our minds will always bear fruit. Fantasy is damaging because it keeps us separated from reality. When you fantasize, you build a self-focused, self-pleasing world of fragments of people and situations which you rearrange to meet your needs. Fantasies are not about real or whole people and complete situations, but about imaginary, faceless people and unrealistic situations.

Jesus explained that sexual fantasy is also a violation of the seventh commandment when he said, "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matthew 5:27–28). The gospel standard of chastity calls for cleanliness of both thought and action. The way to keep your actions appropriate is to keep your thoughts clean.

In 1984, Elder David B. Haight warned, "Over the past twenty years a plague of pornography has swept across most countries of the world with increasing momentum and devastating impact. What began a few years ago as a few crude picture magazines that startled sensitive people has grown to hundreds of publications, each seeking to outdo the others with increasingly shocking content. . . . New technologies that can bless our lives in so many positive ways are also being used to spread pornographic corruption. Video recorders now can bring to homes . . . lurid portrayals of debauchery that contaminate those who view them."⁶⁰ Since Elder Haight said this in 1984, pornography has grown more widespread and more crude, and newer technologies make it increasingly easier to access.

Some people rationalize that viewing pornography doesn’t affect anyone but them. They say it is better to relieve their sexual frustrations looking at pornography and masturbating than finding a sex partner. They feel that being the lesser of two evils, it isn’t so bad after all. However, many people can attest to the fact that pornography is addicting. I know of one man who over the course of two years had accumulated eighty-seven videos and more than 700 magazines and spent $27,000 in the process.⁶¹

More important than financial or other reasons, we should avoid pornography because it drives away the Spirit, and we desperately need the Spirit to guide us. The Spirit of the Lord cannot dwell in unholy places (see Alma 34:36).

Pornography feeds fantasies

The images portrayed in pornographic literature and movies constitute a fantasy unfounded in reality. It is a vision of exaggerated masculinity and sex without consequence. The object of the fantasy can be controlled, picked up, put down, and used as the person wants. It allows an individual the illusion of a sexual encounter without actually having to confront another human being.

Pornography feeds sexual fantasies which reinforce the homosexual feelings you are trying to unlearn. These reinforced feelings can work against all the other efforts you make to resolve homosexuality in your life. The fantasies in your mind are a product of all the garbage you allow to enter your mind and once you allow these images in, they become embedded in your memory and can be recalled even years later. Research has shown that sensory stimulation such as arousal through pornography releases the hormone epinephrine, which tends to lock the experience of stimulation in the brain, unlike the mental storage of less "charged" stimuli.⁶² If viewing pornography is accompanied by masturbation, which it often is, the combined effect heightens the mental images. Such images are very difficult to erase from the memory banks of the brain.

Although you are not responsible for the desires that made you want to fantasize, you are responsible for allowing thoughts, stories, and images into your mind to fuel the fantasies. They make homosexual behavior appear enticing and can lead you into the addictive cycle of visualizing, then rationalizing, then acting.

The primary male response to viewing pornography is to masturbate. Elder David B. Haight said, "Pornography is not a victimless crime. . . . Pornography is addictive. (See Ensign, March 1984, pp. 32–39.) What may begin as a curious exploration can become a controlling habit. Studies show that those who allow themselves to become drawn to pornography soon begin to crave even coarser content. Continued exposure desensitizes the spirit and can erode the conscience of unwary people. A victim becomes a slave to carnal thoughts and actions. As the thought is father to the deed, exposure can lead to acting out what is nurtured in the mind."⁶³

Pornography feeds feelings of inferiority

Bob Davies and Lori Rentzel explain that "men who have viewed gay pornography may unconsciously compare their bodies (including genitals) with the ‘perfect’ standard of statuesque models. Viewing pornography can reinforce feelings of physical and sexual inferiority."⁶⁴ No normal person can measure up to the hyper-masculine images found in male pornography. As an individual indulges in pornography, his feelings of inadequacy and envy merge with lust and eroticism and magnify his feelings of sexual attraction toward men.

Andrew Comiskey wrote, "Pornography can become a vehicle through which an individual, empowered by subconscious yearnings, eroticizes another’s manhood in an attempt to take it onto himself. Doing so may be a vicarious attempt to complete a perceived sense of lack in his own masculinity."⁶⁵ The aesthetically perfect men featured in pornography set up an unrealistic standard by which we compare ourselves, and when we compare their hyper-masculinity to ours, we will invariably feel a deficit and may find it more difficult to accept our own body and gender, as well as to accept other men who don’t measure up to the unrealistic illusion of the porn idols. Thus, "pornography seems to distort how one views himself and others, potentially decreasing his capacity to relate realistically to other men."⁶⁶

Besides the obvious magazines, videos, and books, pornography includes anything that arouses you, even if it isn’t graphically explicit. If muscle magazines or clothing catalogs excite you, you may need to avoid them for now. As you work through your problems and become emotionally healthier, you will see these things in a different light.

Dr. William Consiglio counseled, "Rid yourself of all pornographic materials! All erotic magazines, literature, videos, books, pictures, music, letters, or condoms should no longer be a part of your life. It may cost you something financially and emotionally to part with some of these items. The break with all of these things symbolizes a break with a former lifestyle and past and is an indication of a serious decision to change. Don’t hold anything back! Get rid of it all; once and for all!"⁶⁷

My friend James wrote about his "giant leap of faith" in deciding to dispose of his collection of pornography. "It was a difficult decision to make. I thought I would never get rid of it. I felt like the guys in those pictures were my friends; they were guys I had related to for years. I knew them well. I knew their bodies well. But it was time. I knew I couldn’t just trash them quickly after having a ‘relationship’ with some of them for ten years. It had to be done in a way that I would never forget, yet something permanent, something with ceremony to it. When I announced to my support group that I was going up the canyon to have a ‘burning,’ several others decided to join me.

"We parked the car half way up the canyon. The night was cold but a spirit of warmth and goodness penetrated our souls. In the dark, we carried our last rites in our arms as we searched for a fire pit where the final purge would take place. Once a warm fire was burning, we knew it was time for the ritual to begin. I found that it was more than I could bear to resist looking at my ‘friends’ just one more time—to say goodbye before the permanent destruction. ‘Oh, no! I forgot I had that one! I can’t get rid of him. He’s too beautiful to destroy.’ But my soul kept saying, ‘it’s time.’ The flame consumed all my friends one by one. The pain was great, the anguish pierced my side, but my soul kept saying, ‘it’s time.’

"My companions also threw their pictures on the fire. Bob held back one magazine as though the pain to let it go was too great. Keeping it tucked under his arm like a mother protecting her child, it was safe for a time. Finally the tightly-clutched magazine was thrown into the fire and the pages were separated with a stick so all would be destroyed. Ideal he-man heros disintegrated into nothingness. Envy and lust went up in smoke. Finally, a membership card to a gay club was thrown on the fire as a climax to this funeral of years of lust and envy. As we sat watching the fire burn, the symbolism really hit home. Now that the pornography, lust, and envy had gone up in smoke, we knew that a new era had begun. This was no longer a part of our lives. We felt that our slate was clean. Our self-confidence had been stirred and it had changed us for the better. Several of us felt the presence of heavenly spirits cheering us on in our demonstration of faith."

If you are not yet at the point where you can burn your collection of pornography, consider agreeing not to look at it for a month (or a week). Give any pornographic literature you have to a trusted friend and ask him to lock it away for that length of time. Also agree that for the month you will not to go to a bookstore to find more. By the end of the month, you will have broken some of the compulsive cycles and you can have your friend throw it away.

A friend of mine wrote, "Most days I think I’ve got porn licked for good—then I inevitably get stressed out and have a binge fest. I stupidly use it as a crutch when things get overwhelming. The only motivator that has effectively helped me has been to learn to love myself enough that I now believe I am worth the effort to rise above the trash. Ironically, my wife taught me this lesson. One day she confronted me directly and asked me if I had a problem with pornography. I confessed that I had slowly but surely spiraled out of control into a pornography and masturbation addiction. Then, with great power, she said the magic words: ‘Dear, you are worth far more than the person you become as a pornography addict.’ I finally believed her. I am worth more than the trash. Improving my self-esteem and learning to love and respect myself over the past year has made all the difference."

Read more about overcoming pornography

Masturbation

Almost all males who experience homosexual attraction have a particular problem with masturbation. It is a form of sexual immorality that Satan uses to divert men and women from the proper, sacred use of procreative powers. Ancient and modern prophets have warned of the evils of masturbation.⁶⁸ It does not edify and inspire, but drives the Spirit away. It also holds you back in old thought patterns and unhealthy ways of responding by isolating you from your feelings and the real task of learning to deal honestly with yourself and the world. Dr. William Consiglio wrote, "Masturbation is sinful because it often becomes the primary means of sexual gratification and because it is accompanied by erotic fantasies."⁶⁹ The practice can become habitual and progressive, leading to other immoral behaviors, and is usually associated with pornography and sexual fantasies. Dr. Consiglio states that it can become an addictive habit "because it combines physical pleasure with homosexual imagery. As a result, it becomes a substitute and symbolic sexual experience. . . ."⁷⁰

On the subject of masturbation, President Spencer W. Kimball wrote, "While we should not regard this weakness as the heinous sin which some other sexual practices are, it is of itself bad enough to require sincere repentance."⁷¹ The following are some ideas to conquer masturbation:

Identify the triggers and stop the cycle early. It may help to identify the events that lead you to masturbate so you can stop the cycle at the first warning signs. It is much easier to stop at the beginning than it is when you are halfway into the cycle. If you find that masturbation is always preceded by looking at pornography, then find ways to stop the cycle before looking at the pornography. If it occurs at a certain time or place, then take actions to change your routine so you can enjoy more healthy habits.

Identify the real needs behind the desire to masturbate. What are your real feelings and needs for which masturbation has become a symbol? Is it a need for friendship? Do you want to feel appreciated by someone? Are you lonely and just need someone to talk with? Is it your way of dealing with stress, depression, boredom, or anger? If you masturbate, will these real needs be satisfied or only intensified? Understanding these feelings and needs, you can make plans in advance to deal with them in a more healthy way.

Keep a log of temptations and how you dealt with them. Record the following in a confidential place for at least a month:

• The triggers that started you into the cycle that ended in masturbation. (Was it loneliness, hunger, fatigue, stress, fantasy, pornography?)
• What you could have done to stop the cycle. (What specific actions and at what points?)
• The actions you plan to take next time you are in this cycle to stop it. (Be specific.)
• What you can do to be spiritually, mentally, or emotionally stronger so this won’t happen again.

Review this log periodically to see if you can identify patterns, then talk with your bishop and therapist to get their perspectives and suggestions. If your masturbation is excessive or habitual, it may require intense effort on your part and therapeutic help to overcome it.

Be accountable to God in prayer. Acknowledge your weakness to your Heavenly Father in prayer and ask for His strength. Admitting a problem is the first step in solving it.

Be accountable to your bishop. As embarrassing and personal as it may seem, you should talk with your bishop or branch president about this problem. Believe me, you will not be the first person who has talked with the bishop about masturbation. Accountability to a priesthood leader is not only an important step in the repentance process, but his love and support on such a personal matter can be healing. He can give you ideas and a perspective that can be helpful as you overcome your habits.

Be accountable to a trusted friend. You may wish to define an accountability agreement with a close friend or member of your support group. Agree to talk with him about your temptations (avoiding specific details) and how you plan to stop the cycle next time. His perspective and support can be encouraging. A friend of mine committed to his wife that he would tell her each time he masturbated. Needless to say, this was a major deterrent for him!

For additional ideas on overcoming masturbation, see Eliminate Your SDBs: Self-Defeating Behaviors by Johnathan M. Chamberlain.

Cruising

There was a time I couldn’t drive by a certain place without turning in to cruise. Now I drive by it every day on my way home and most days don’t even notice I’ve passed it. Occasionally, I’ll look over as I drive by and thank God that I don’t feel any compulsion to go in.

Several years ago, in the afternoon a few days before Christmas, I had gone out to do some shopping and finished earlier than I had expected and the thought entered my mind to cruise. My almost immediate response was "No. I don’t want that" and I went straight home and took the family to a movie. Later that night I sat on the bed with the kids and read The Littlest Angel,⁷² a beautiful story about the littlest angel’s gift to the Christ child. While all the other angels gave bright and glorious gifts, all he had to give was a little wood box that meant a lot to him because it contained mementos from earth. Heavenly Father accepted this gift warmly and turned the box into a star that shined brightly over Bethlehem. The littlest angel’s gift was accepted because it was a gift from his heart. I thought then that no matter how strong the desires can be at times to go cruising, I can give it up. I can give it up as a gift to God to show my desire to serve him.

If you have learned to relate in the world of cruising by picking up on eye contact or subtle signals, you can also work your way back out of it by consciously ignoring those signals and by not giving out those signals yourself. Avoid staring at other men and if you notice someone staring at you, don’t return the look. The eyes are the windows to the soul and brief eye contact with someone may say more than you intend to say. If you don’t show interest, the situation won’t escalate. Eventually, you will find that you no longer notice the signals of others and you will avoid the temptations and encounters.

Casual sex

For many men, the majority of their sexual encounters are with strangers or casual acquaintances. Because of their urgent desire for sexual contact, they find themselves connecting with another man for an evening or even a few minutes of pleasure. Anonymous sex is efficient; it may take only minutes or seconds from first meeting to engaging in intimate sex. But it is sex without feelings.

This paradox of having intimate actions with someone one doesn’t even know is the Adversary’s false substitute for true, fulfilling relationships. This counterfeit intimacy is one-dimensional, substituting physical and romantic intimacy for the true intimacy your friend can have in a relationship with a wife that includes deep emotional ties, acceptance, and love. In fact, the substitute intimacy decreases the possibility of true intimacy because it introduces guilt, plays on his feelings of inferiority, and creates anxiety.

Although casual sex can bring physical pleasure and temporary satisfaction, afterwards, you are left with even deeper feelings of loneliness, rejection, and frustration. Rather than satisfying your need for the love of a friend, casual sex only intensifies the needs. It leads to an addictive spiral that feeds itself. The sexual experience generates more feelings that evoke even more acting out. After each sexual encounter, you feel used and of less value.

Long-term relationships

Some men find another man with whom they have a long-term relationship and do not engage in casual or anonymous sex. The ideal dream of most men who are attracted to other men is to find "Mr. Right" and settle down with him in a romantic, committed relationship. However, the reality is that such relationships are not common. According to a national survey by the gay magazine The Advocate, only 33% of the respondents currently live with a partner,⁷³ 25% are in a relationship that has lasted a year or longer, and only 9% are in a relationship that has lasted more than ten years.⁷⁴ Homosexual relationships tend to be unstable and unfulfilling for all the reasons that led the person to develop homosexual desires in the first place, such as psychological deficits, defensive detachment, dependency needs, and the inability to see the real emotional needs. When they realize their partner cannot fill their emotional needs, they continue their desperate search through promiscuity. Fidelity is difficult to achieve in even committed relationships. The Advocate survey revealed that only 52% of the gay couples were monogamous as far as they know in their current or previous relationship.⁷⁵ In a 1984 study of 156 male couples, only seven had been able to maintain sexual fidelity, none of which had been together more than five years.⁷⁶

You can keep your behavior in line with gospel standards. The Apostle Paul promised, "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it" (1 Corinthians 10:13). This scripture explains that there is no challenge beyond your ability to handle, and also that as you turn to God, He will provide a way for you to get through the trial.

The Lord said, "And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things" (D&C 88:67). Every time you do the things that are right, the light inside you increases and the darkness decreases. This light gives you the right to call upon the powers of heaven when you need help.⁷⁷

	Willpower is Not Enough: Why We Don’t Succeed at Change by A. Dean Byrd and Mark D. Chamberlain.
	Homosexual No More: Practical Strategies for Christians Overcoming Homosexuality by Dr. William Consiglio, especially pages 88–93.
	Eliminate Your SDBs: Self-Defeating Behaviors, by Johnathan M. Chamberlain.
	Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes.
	Don’t Call It Love: Recovery from Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes. Note especially the boundary worksheet on page 250 and the abstinence worksheet on pages 246–247.
	Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps: A Guidebook for All People in the Process of Recovery by Patrick Carnes
	Regaining Self-control: Conquering Obsessive-compulsive Behavior and Other Habits you Want to Break by Archibald John Bennee, MD.
	Putting on the Armor of God: How to Win Your Battles With Satan by Steven Cramer.
	Conquering Your Own Goliaths by Steven Cramer.
	Sexaholics Anonymous. Describes a twelve–step program for those who struggle with sexual addictions.

Endnotes:

1. “Where Much is Given, Much is Required”, Boyd K. Packer, Ensign, Nov. 1974, p. 90.

2. “When Christians Struggle with Sexual Sin,” Barney Swihart, Harvest News, Philadelphia, PA, Fall/Winter 1995, p. 2.

3. A Letter to a Friend, Spencer W. Kimball, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Salt Lake City, UT, 1978, item number 30941, p. 8.

4. “Unclutter Your Life,” William R. Bradford, Ensign, May 1992, p. 28.

5. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People Calendar, Stephen R. Covey, 15 Jan. 1996.

6.“Using Our Free Agency,” Delbert L. Stapley, Ensign, May 1975, p. 2

7. “Covenants,” Boyd K. Packer, Ensign, Nov. 1990, p. 86.

8. “Reverence and Morality,” Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, May 1987, pp. 47–48.

9. “We’re Dealing With a Crisis of Truth,” Bob Ragan, in Nexus newsletter, Metanoia Ministries, Seattle, WA, Nov. 1996, p. 2.

10. This paragraph includes some ideas from the article “Justifying Our Sin: A Subtle Trap,” Alan P. Medinger, Regeneration News, Baltimore, MD, Oct. 1996.

11. “Life Is Good and Getting Better,” Leo Hall, in A Place in the Kingdom: Spiritual Insights from Latter-day Saints about Same-Sex Attraction, eds. Garrick Hyde and Ginger Hyde, Century Publishing, Salt Lake City, UT, 1997, p. 83.

12. “Addiction or Freedom”, Russell M. Nelson, Ensign, Nov. 1988, p. 6.

13. “Free Agency and Freedom,” Dallin H. Oaks, The Book of Mormon: Second Nephi, The Doctrinal Structure, Papers from the Third Annual Book of Mormon Symposium, edited by Monte S. Nyman and Charles D. Tate, Jr., Religious Studies Center, Brigham Young University, Provo, Utah, 1989, p. 14.

14.“Addiction or Freedom,” Russell M. Nelson, Ensign, Nov. 1988, p. 7.

15. Desires in Conflict: Answering the Struggle for Sexual Identify, Joe Dallas, Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR, 1991, pp. 16. 127–28.

16. Desires in Conflict: Answering the Struggle for Sexual Identify, Joe Dallas, Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR, 1991, p. 63.

17. “Addiction or Freedom,” Russell M. Nelson, Ensign, Nov. 1988, p. 8.

18. “Inspiring Music—Worthy Thoughts,” Boyd K. Packer, Ensign, Jan. 1974, p. 28.

19. “Passion: How Much Will We Pay?,” Jack Hickey, Victory Notes, 1986.

20. Coming Our of Homosexuality: New Freedom for Men & Women, Bob Davies & Lori Rentzel, InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove, IL, 1993, pp. 85–86.

21. Desires in Conflict: Answering the Struggle for Sexual Identity, Joe Dallas, Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR, 1991, p. 137.

22. “Standards of Morality and Fidelity,” letter from the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 14 Nov. 1991.

23. “Covenants,” Boyd K. Packer, Ensign, Nov. 1990, p. 86.

24. The Miracle of Forgiveness, Spencer W. Kimball, Bookcraft, Salt Lake City, UT, 1969, p. 79.

25. “Justifying Our Sin: A Subtle Trap,” Alan P. Medinger, in Regeneration News, Baltimore, MD, Oct. 1996, pp. 1–2.

26. Several ideas in this section are taken from the pamphlet “An Honest Look at Temptation,” Jack Hickey, Reconciliation Ministries, 1989.

27. Homosexual No More: Practical Strategies for Christians Overcoming Homosexuality, Dr. William Consiglio, Victor Books, Wheaton, IL, 1991, p. 36.

28. Saturday Night Thoughts, Orson F. Whitney, p. 239.

29. Desires in Conflict: Answering the Struggle for Sexual Identity, Joe Dallas, Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR, 1991, p. 24.

30. “Reverence and Morality,” Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, May 1987, p. 47.

31. “Preparing Yourselves For Missionary Service,” Ezra Taft Benson, Ensign, May 1985, p. 36.

32. Homosexual No More: Practical Strategies for Christians Overcoming Homosexuality, Dr. William Consiglio, Victor Books, Wheaton, IL, 1991, pp. 91–92.

33. Homosexual No More: Practical Strategies for Christians Overcoming Homosexuality, Dr. William Consiglio, Victor Books, Wheaton, IL, 1991, p. 90.

34. Homosexual No More: Practical Strategies for Christians Overcoming Homosexuality, Dr. William Consiglio, Victor Books, Wheaton, IL, 1991, pp. 90–91.

35. Homosexuality and Hope: A Psychologist Talks About Treatment and Change, Gerard van den Aardweg, Servant Books, Ann Arbor, MI, 1985, pp. 84–5, 87, 113.

36. “Reverence and Morality,” Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, May 1987, p. 47.

37. “Emotional Maturity,” David O. McKay, Instructor, Sep. 1959, p. 281.

38. Hymns, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Salt Lake City, Utah, 1985, p. x.

39. “De-Sexualizing the Deeper Need,” Alan Medinger, Regeneration News, Baltimore, MD, Sep. 1994, p. 2.

40. “Like All the Nations,” Spencer W. Kimball, Church News, Deseret News, Salt Lake City, UT, 15 Oct. 1960, p. 14.

42. The Miracle of Forgiveness, Spencer W. Kimball, Bookcraft, Salt Lake City, UT, 1969, p. 83.

43. ”Homosexual Lifestyle Still an Unhealthy One,” Col. Gary Stephens, The Ogden Standard Examiner, Ogden, UT, 23 Feb. 1996.

44. Medical Consequences of What Homosexuals Do, Paul Cameron, Family Research Institute, Washington, DC, 1993 and “The Longevity of Homosexuals: Before and After the AIDS Epidemic,” Paul Cameron, William Playfair, and Stephen Wellum, Omega Journal of Death and Dying, vol. 29, no. 3, 1994, Baywood Publishing, Amityville, NY.

45. USA Today, 17 Apr. 1995, p. D-1.

46. “The AIDS Exception: Privacy vs. Public Health,” Chandler Burr, The Atlantic Monthly, Jun. 1997, p. 61 and Surgeon General’s Report to the American Public on HIV Infection and AIDS, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Health Resources and Services Administration, National Institutes of Health, 1992, p. 1.

47. Surgeon General’s Report to the American Public on HIV Infection and AIDS, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Health Resources and Services Administration, National Institutes of Health, 1992, p. 1.

48. Condoms and Sexually-transmitted Diseases . . . Especially AIDS, pamphlet by the Department of Health and Human Services, HHS Publication FDA 90–4239, p. 7.

49. Surgeon General’s Report to the American Public on HIV Infection and AIDS, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Health Resources and Services Administration, National Institutes of Health, 1992, p. 6.

50. According to the March 1993 Journal of AIDS, as reported in “Positively Aware On-Line,” Test Positive Aware Network, Chicago, IL, Jun. 1993.

51. “The 1994 Advocate Survey of Sexuality and Relationships: The Men,” Janet Lever, The Advocate, August 23, 1994, p. 23.

52. “Predictors of Unprotected Intercourse Among Gay and Bisexual Youth: Knowledge, Beliefs, and Behavior,” Gary Remafedi, Pediatrics, August 1994, vol. 94, no. 2, pp. 163–168. See also “Seroprevalence of HIV and Risk Behaviors Among Young Homosexual and Bisexual Men—The San Francisco/Berkeley Young Men’s Survey,” George F. Lemp, et. al., Journal of the American Medical Association, August 10, 1994, vol. 272, no. 6, pp. 449–54.

53. “The 1994 Advocate Survey of Sexuality and Relationships: The Men,” Janet Lever, The Advocate, 23 Aug. 1994, p. 23.

54. “Predictors of Unprotected Intercourse Among Gay and Bisexual Youth: Knowledge, Beliefs, and Behavior,” Gary Remafedi, Pediatrics, August 1994, vol. 94, no. 2, pp. 163–68. See also “Seroprevalence of HIV and Risk Behaviors Among Young Homosexual and Bisexual Men—The San Francisco/Berkeley Young Men’s Survey,” George F. Lemp, et. al., Journal of the American Medical Association, 10 Aug. 1994, vol. 272, no. 6, pp. 449–54.

55. “The 1994 Advocate Survey of Sexuality and Relationships: The Men,” Janet Lever, The Advocate, 23 Aug. 1994, p. 23.

56. “The 1994 Advocate Survey of Sexuality and Relationships: The Men,” Janet Lever, The Advocate, 23 Aug. 1994, p. 22.

57. See “News of the Church,” Ensign, Jul. 1988, p. 79.

58. A 1988 study by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services showed that gay teens commit suicide at two to three times the rate of other teens and some studies show that 40% of all gay people make attempts on their lives when they are young (as reported in Is it a Choice?: Answers to 300 of the Most Frequently Asked Questions About Gays and Lesbians, Eric Marcus, Harper Collins Publishers, New York, 1993, p. 29).

59. The Secret Sin: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, Mark Laaser, Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, ND, 1992, p. 29.

60. “Personal Morality,” David B. Haight, Ensign, Nov. 1984, pp. 70–73.

61. Kevin Jacobson, reported in Reconciliation’s Victory News, Winter 1996, Reconciliation Ministries, Detroit, MI, p. 4.

62. “Preserving the Past—Hormonal Influences on Memory Storage,” James L. McGaugh, American Psychologist, Feb. 1983, pp. 161-74.

63. “Personal Morality,” David B. Haight, Ensign, Nov. 1984, p. 70.

64. Coming Out of Homosexuality: New Freedom for Men & Women, Bob Davies & Lori Rentzel, Inter Varsity Press, Downers Grove, IL, 1993, p. 153.

65. “The Effect of Pornography on Male Homosexuals,” Andrew Comiskey, Hot Thoughts, Desert Stream Ministries, Anaheim, CA, 1996.

66.  “The Effect of Pornography on Male Homosexuals,” Andrew Comiskey, Hot Thoughts, Desert Stream Ministries, Anaheim, CA, 1996.

67. Homosexual No More: Practical Strategies for Christians Overcoming Homosexuality, Dr. William Consiglio, Victor Books, Wheaton, IL, 1991, p. 88.

68. The Miracle of Forgiveness, Spencer W. Kimball, Bookcraft, Salt Lake City, UT, 1969, p. 77.

69. Homosexual No More: Practical Strategies for Christians Overcoming Homosexuality, Dr. William Consiglio, Victor Books, Wheaton, IL, 1991, p. 93.

70. Homosexual No More: Practical Strategies for Christians Overcoming Homosexuality, Dr. William Consiglio, Victor Books, Wheaton, IL, 1991, pp. 93–94.

71. The Miracle of Forgiveness, Spencer W. Kimball, Bookcraft, Salt Lake City, UT, 1969, p. 77–78.

72. The Littlest Angel, Charles Tazewell, Ideals Publishing Corporation, Nashville, TN, 1974.

73. “The 1994 Advocate Survey of Sexuality and Relationships: The Men,” Janet Lever, The Advocate, 23 Aug. 1994, p. 23.

74. “The 1994 Advocate Survey of Sexuality and Relationships: The Men,” Janet Lever, The Advocate, 23 Aug. 1994, p. 24.

75. “The 1994 Advocate Survey of Sexuality and Relationships: The Men,” Janet Lever, The Advocate, 23 Aug. 1994, p. 24.

76. This study was undertaken by a homosexual couple (a psychiatrist and a psychologist) to disprove the reputation that gay male relationships don’t last. They identified 156 couples in relationships from one to thirty-seven years, two thirds of which had entered the relationship with the expectation of sexual fidelity. Of the hundred couples who had been together more than five years, none had been able to maintain sexual fidelity. Of the fifty-six couples who had been together less than five years, only seven had maintained sexual fidelity. (See The Male Couple: How Relationships Develop, D. McWhirter and A. Mattison, Prentice-Hall, Englewood Cliffs, NJ, 1984.) Evelyn Hooker’s study of thirty couples showed only one was faithful. (See Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality: A New Clinical Approach, Joseph Nicolosi, Jason Aronson, Inc, Northvale, NJ, 1991, pp. 111–12.)

77. See “Come unto Christ Through Your Trials,” H. Burke Peterson, Brigham Young University 1995-96 Speeches, Brigham Young University Publications & Graphics, Provo, UT, 1996, p. 155.

Return to the Resources for Individuals page.

Return to the Resources for Family, Friends, and Church Leaders page.

Return to the Resources for Therapists page.