What About the Wives?

By Barbara Carlson

What about the wives? The men who struggle with same-sex attraction do not enjoy being stereotyped. The wives enjoy being stereotyped even less.

What kind of woman marries a gay man? Is she educated, less educated, naïve, street smart, heavy, thin, maternal, non-maternal, overbearing, meek, shy, or gregarious? Is she confident and independent or seriously co-dependant? Is she in denial or despair? Is her husband in the gay bar or in the bishopric? I have met or talked on the phone with all of the above. Many of these women come from very positive upbringings and marry a nice gentlemen whose orientation is unknown to her or casually passed off as a thing of the past. Some come from severely abusive backgrounds and are happy to settle down with a kind man is neither physically nor sexually aggressive. Most fall somewhere in between.

It is said that many of these women suffer from low self-esteem. However, it may be difficult to determine which came first, the low self-esteem of finally waking up to the knowledge that the love of your life would truly prefer to sleep with other men. Whether the husbands are acting our with other men or resort to fantasy, pornography, voyeurism, and self abuse, the wife’s understanding of where she stands is the same.

Some of the feelings the wives deal with are incredible hurt, fear, anger, confusion, depression, and anxiety. What I believe to be a common tragedy is when these women begin to abandon elements of their own femininity; their interests, talents, hobbies, friends; no longer attempting to look attractive and assuming masculine roles and responsibilities in the home and family which have been neglected.

The most powerful feeling these women are dealing with is anger – anger which covers a lot of pain and is difficult to deal with appropriately. Some topics of anger are as follows: anger because of betrayal, having to fear the outcome of the situation, lack of support, loneliness; anger because of kids questions, at self for not marring differently, at self for not seeing things sooner, at self for not being enough; anger at husbands parents, at her own parents, anger at having to parent alone; anger at having to be the responsible one, dealing with an issue you can’t talk about, having to be the supportive one, the strong one and having to be nice about it, anger at having to think about AIDS. At the possibility of never having a normal; heterosexual/emotional experience, feeling robbed of her own femininity. Most difficult to deal with is possible anger towards God and the unfairness of life.

Few if any women set out to marry a homosexual. Some women, including myself, were aware of our husbands condition. Many of the men are equally naïve to difficulties in overcoming this condition.

These women married men who were wonderful human beings whom they were happy to spend the rest of their lives with but a mountainous road block had been placed in their way. They need to know if they can climb over it. They need to know that they cannot push, pull, bribe, or moralize their husbands over it. He must make the decision for himself.

A wife needs to understand that fidelity in this situation is not an unreasonable expectation. She needs to understand the facts about the condition itself and that the road to her husband’s recovery can be long and tough with no guarantees.

She needs to examine who she is all by herself; does she like what she has become? Do her new boundaries, limitations and role in the household go against her basic values, beliefs, and goals? Is she helping her husband to stay stuck where he is? Does she need therapy herself? If so, where is her support system?

Some women whose husbands are in reparative therapy deal with a barrage of confusing mixed messages from their husbands such as: support me by taking over my responsibilities in the family so I can concentrate on therapy but don’t act my mother, step on my toes or make me feel less masculine; I am in therapy and you are not so the problems in our marriage are because you are not dealing with your issues; get your own therapy but know that my issues are most important and I need your support; I am in therapy because I have a broken relationship with my same-sex parent – I don’t have time to have a relationship with my same-sex child because I am in therapy, etc..

Many wives see their husbands chatting on the phone for hours behind locked doors; preening in front of the mirror, demanding that their best clothes be washed and pressed, staying out till 2:00 am and coming home as giddy as a school-girl but insisting that if the wife is unhappy it is because she is insecure and needs therapy. Many men feel that a fall or transgression should be understood and not taken too seriously.

Often husbands deliver messages to their wives from their therapists regarding how she should be thinking, feeling, or acting.

Should marriage therapy be saved until after both the husband and wife have gone through their own? All the wives are in need of family or marriage therapy now. Their husbands may have very legitimate therapy needs, however, if they are married, especially with children, the family cannot be put on a shelf until later. Children grow, bills come in, illnesses occur, other tragedies must be dealt with. Husbands and wives need to be a team regardless of their personal issues.

I bear my testimony that change is possible, however, de-sexualizing same-sex attraction is but a tip of the iceberg. A whole new role needs to be learned. These marriages can be wonderful. Children in these homes can be loved, nurtured, and raised in a healthy manner. Their needs can be understood and met. They can become wonderful spouses and parents themselves.

We have six children. When our fourth child was almost eight months old, she was diagnosed with stage III Neuroblastoma. We were told she would not make it. She underwent surgery and five months of chemotherapy. During this time we considered all that we would be willing to give up to save her life. Of course we had to exercise faith but we also had a house in escrow at the time. Wouldn’t we be willing to give up the house or anything we had so we would have the resources to take her anywhere and try anything to give her a better chance? What price would be too much to pay for her life? Nothing of course.

During her therapy and fight for her life, I became aware that my husband’s struggle with same-sex attraction was as bad or worse than ever. The stress in our lives did not help. Though I am fortunate that during our marriage my husband has had a physical relationship with no one else, we were both very worn down by his dealing with SSA.

I suggested that as our daughter was dealing with a deadly disease of the body, he was dealing with an equally serious condition of the spirit. Both would be difficult to overcome. I could not accept the word "impossible." Would we fight for a cure for his problem the same as we were for our baby? What would be too big a price? We were both willing to fight this with all we had.

We had looked in the indexes of many books in Deseret Book, especially those by general authorities, for anything on the process of overcoming homosexuality. We could find nothing. My husband had also experienced sexual abuse as a child and a good friend had suggested going to a Christian book store for some books on abuse. While there, my husband found many books on overcoming homosexuality. The thoughtful lady at the counter noticed what he was buying and gave him a flier for The San Diego Conference on Trauma and Sexuality. The flier sat around the house and we did not read it because it was not LDS sponsored. He was finally prompted to read it and excitedly shared it with me. It was full of the pictures and testimonies of people who would be presenting their testimonies of struggle and freedom from homosexual and other issues. Through Carolyn Pearson we were led to a therapist who helped my husband feel good about himself and built his self-esteem. This therapist did not believe in reparative therapy though, and both my husband and I were not willing to accept the idea that he would struggle with these feelings the rest of his life. He met Allen Gundry over the phone and shortly after, we attended the Exodus Conference in L.A. California where we met Allen, other therapists, and some of their friends. We entered a whirlwind of conferences, books, tapes, and therapy.

I am grateful for the wonderful clinical work that has been done in the area of treating same-sex attraction. I have seen lives change through therapy and through coming to understand this condition. However, we cannot survive these problems nor be completely healed without turning our lives over to the Lord’s care. I am remained of the Poem "Footsteps in the Sand," when I think of the dark times in my life. When our baby was sick, she was also playful and smiling. She was bald and pale but she ate and made progress. She looked good to me. It wasn’t until about a year after she got well that I crashed. I looked at the family photos and realized how awful she really looked. Likewise, it was after a bulk of my husbands recovery that I dealt with the bulk of my grief. Looking back, I realized that the Lord truly carried me through the worst times. I remember kneeling at the couch in the middle of the night begging the Lord; "Please don’t take my baby and please don’t take my husband." I know that my prayers were heard. I am grateful for my husband’s courage and testimony. I am thankful that He made the decision to get help and do what was necessary to make change possible in his life. I am grateful that our daughter, now seven years old, is still with us and cancer free.

I know the Lord works miracles today. He had richly blesses our lives with his comfort, guidance, and love. I am thankful for the many blessings of the Atonement. I am grateful for all Heavenly Father has done for me and my family.
 

Note: Although this story is true, I have used the fictitious name of Barbara Carlson to protect the privacy of my family. Any similarities it may have to other persons is coincidental and not intended.