Growth and Accountability Group Meetings

Most group meetings consist of an instructional period where a member of the group presents ideas around a topic that encourages growth and accountability. Afterwards, time is given to each participant to discuss his/her feelings and seek the support of other group members. Below are ideas about this discussion time. Following it are ideas for presentations (lessons).

Discussion Time

Many groups feel it important to provide time each week for participants to discuss their feelings and seek the support of other group members. The time given to each person may consist of two parts:

1. Uninterrupted time to talk about feelings and events related to his/her same-sex attraction struggle. The only acceptable interruption is for an advisor to make a reminder about the rules for sharing (for example, profanity or providing too many details about events or places).
2. Time for feedback from other group members. Feedback is optional at the individual's request. Feedback should not include any comment that focuses attention away from the individual onto the person making a comment.

Avoid the following in feedback:

• Giving direct advice (such as, "You should...").
• Asking questions not related to what the person shared. Follow the rules of cross-examination, which don't allow for questions irrelevant to testimony given in direct examination. For example, if an individual talked two weeks ago about having the flu, but did not mention it this week, it is not appropriate to ask him if he is over the flu this week. If he wants to share his flu status, he would do so. He should control the content of his sharing time.
• Taking on the role of a therapist.
• Offering in some way to fix the problem.

Acceptable forms of feedback (as long that they don't take too much of the individual's sharing time):

• Encouraging statements.
• Expressions of love and support.
• Questions of clarification that are relevant to what the person said.
• Offering help.
• Very brief examples from your life that have helped you in similar situations.

Remember that a person's sharing time is valuable to him. He decides what he feels he needs to talk about. Nothing should be said or done by another participant to distract him from what he feels is important to share.

Presentations/Lessons

Advisors and participants often wonder where to start with lessons for the group. Evergreen can furnish books and literature that can be of assistance. Evergreen conferences have training sessions for advisors, and the Evergreen help line can put you in touch with experienced advisors who can offer suggestions.

The following are some ideas that may prove helpful. You may also wish to refer to the LDS Parents and Families Education and Support Group: Leaders Guide produced by LDS Family Services (1996, revised 1998) available from Evergreen headquarters.
 

How Can the Group Bring About Change?

First-order change tends to focus on problems. The advisor needs to beware that group meetings don’t become “gripe and complain” sessions. Problems are perceived discrepancies between the way things are and the way one wants them to be. “I want what I want” is the most childish form of thought. Participants need to recognize this immature thinking pattern. While reviewing the events of the week can help us find areas in need of exploration, little change will take place from just reviewing what doesn’t work.

The advisor (and ultimately all group members) need to help individuals find how their dysfunctional thinking leads them into repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Patterns are recurrent themes in problems resulting in distress and dysfunction. Look for the patterns and ask yourself why you repeat behaviors that introduce so much distress. Often times acting out follows thoughts of self-pity or thoughts of entitlement (either “poor me” or “I’ve earned it”). This extreme thinking, either all or none, king or a bum, controlling all or a helpless victim, is typical of those dealing with SSA. Lessons can help them see the pattern.

Our thinking patterns often come from the script we are living out. We have a role we have learned to play, and we continue to play our part, regardless of how miserable it makes us. The process level contains elements related to our core ordering processes. These are the tacit rules that generate and constrain the particulars of problems and patterns. While most of these issues must be approached in therapy, the advisor and group members can remind each other that our problematic thinking is our dilemma.

Change comes about in the presence of safe, stable, and caring relationships that allow seekers to explore and experiment with their personal realities. With this in mind, the advisor must build a group environment where change can take place in an atmosphere of love and acceptance. All change involves changes in personal meanings. The helping process can be facilitated by the modeling of psychological resilience, health, and well-being.

Core ordering processes are most formatively influenced by early, repeated, and intense emotional experiences, in particular those involving pain and intimate human relationships. Neglect, abuse, and rejection are three patterns known to jeopardize the developing child’s quality of life. The relationships that involve strong (both positive and negative) emotional bonds offer the most powerful contexts for both functional and dysfunctional psychological development. It will be in the crucibles of relationships where we forge our developing sense of self, world, and their dynamics.
 

The fruit is only the result of deeper problems.

The group must search for the root of the problem.

Helpful lessons can be constructed around the subject of how the family is likely to react to the challenges of SSA.

An LDS Family Adjusting To SSA

Stage 1 - Suspicion

Denial: We suspect something is wrong but find it easier to ignore the problem.

Withdrawal: Because we suspect something is wrong but don’t want to deal with it directly, we pull back from the relationship.

Rescuing: Concerned there is problem, we increase our unhealthy attention in the hope that it will help them.

Stage 2 - Confirmation

Despair: Now we know the truth, and we find ourselves feeling irritable or down or sometimes hopeless.

Covering Up: There is an increased concern that this “terrible condition” not become public knowledge.

Increase In Religious Activities: A misplaced belief that if we are more faithful, God will just take this condition away.

Stage 3 - Punishing

Anger: We are very upset because of the harmful or embarrassing behavior, and we want them to stop, now!

Guilt: Sometimes our anger is directed inward, and feel we must be responsible for the problem.

Irrational Behaviors: Feeling desperate, we resort to nagging, threats and “sermonizing” to force them into changing their behavior.

Stage 4 - Suffering

Despondency: Nothing we do is working, so we often feel defeated and depressed. We begin to withdraw and give up.

Spiritual Neglect: God has failed to fix the problem. We deny gospel truths, and our own salvation is jeopardized.

Defeat: It cannot be changed, so you accept and support the condition; or because they will not change, you end the relationship.

What Does it Mean to be mature?

First, it is a gospel goal.

Matthew 5:48: “Be ye therefore TELEIOS, even as your Father which is in heaven is teleios.”   (teleios = mature, complete, perfect)

Second, it is a matter of gradual growth.

Isaiah 28:13: “But the word of the Lord was unto them precept upon precept, precept upon precept, line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little; that they might go, and fall backward, and be broken...”

Regression is built into the sanctification process.

D&C 98:12: “For he will give unto the faithful line upon line, precept upon precept; and I will try you and prove you herewith.”

Third, it takes realistic reflection.

1 Corinthians 11:28: “But let every man examine himself...”

2 Corinthians 13:5: “Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves.”

TO ACHIEVE WISDOM IN THE FOLLOWING:

The appropriate ability to give and receive love. (Bonding) John 13:34-35; D&C 88:133

A clear understanding of suitable responsibility. (Boundaries) 2 Chronicles 25:4 Matthew 7:3

The judicious exercise of adult authority. (Control) D&C 121:39; Mosiah 24:8-9; Proverbs 29:2

An ability to sort out good, bad and forgiveness. (Rectitude) Psalms 34:14; Luke 6:37; Alma 29:5

Understanding our divine nature and eternal destiny. (Perspective) Moroni 7:48; 1 John 3:2

CONDITIONS OF MATURITY

The Child:
Lives from moment to moment. There is little understanding of either responsibility for events or learning by reflection. Pain and happiness seem equally random and outside our control. There is no connection to the Spirit. “Why me?”

Phase One:
I am caught up in the moment. I experience all events as they are happening with all the happiness, pain, and sorrow. Only in hindsight am I able to understand that obstacles (both self created and life) are opportunities and each event is a lesson. The Spirit testifies to us in retrospect. “Now I see.”

Phase Two:
Additional maturity allows us now to see the blessings of life as they appear. When events happen we see the pain and happiness as results with equal opportunities for understanding. Rather than having to learn only by looking back, we can be in the present moment and thus control the consequences. The Spirit whispers to us as events occur. “Blessing me.”

Phase Three:
The mature self understands that living a life congruent with eternal values allows us to avoid much suffering. We can project through our thought processes and avoid the need to experience an event to learn life’s lessons. The Spirit enlightens the path ahead and we accept life events with joy. “Now I’m free.”

Life is a series of events which we have created and attracted to ourselves, and the universe is a series of events which occur independent of our belief about them.
 

Recognizing the Shame-based or Blame-based Personality

Click here to see chart showing the two extremes of selfish and selfless and the mature middle ground of self-esteem.

An advisor needs to understand the personality of the common group member. Many are shame-based and feel “they are bad.”

A shame-based person is inward and self-oriented. His perception is that he behaves badly because he is bad.