Sandy's TestimonyShared at the 1998 Annual Conference of Evergreen International. |
| Since
beginning therapy for SSA, I have come to know that because of emotional,
sexual and physical abuse experienced in my childhood and young adult life I
have developed a belief system that is based on lies. Lacking in
self-esteem, feeling unloved and unlovable and knowing that I was of no
consequence, I made life decisions and choices based on those unhealthy
beliefs. Looking for acceptance and love that I missed as a child, I learned
to manipulate situations that would meet my needs for a while, but the
empty, lonely hole never stayed full for long. I had developed a sex addiction by the time I was 15 and, after high school, opted to stay as stoned and as drunk as I could rather than feel the pain of my own worthlessness. I also became more aware of my needs and realized that I was more attracted to my female friends than any of the men that came around, but I shielded myself from equating that behavior with any type of gender identity disorder. At the age of 21, I was introduced to the Gospel of Jesus Christ and joined with Him in baptism. My new-found religion, however, was not enough, at that time, to make me forsake my old habits and beliefs. It took a few years to finally draw away from the addictions. I just could not seem to hold onto any good feelings about myself for very long and, eventually came to look more and more to my female friends for acceptance. I was involved in two relationships in which I acted out, one for two years, the other longer. My quest for love and acceptance was on-going and throughout each relationship and friendship I continued to try to find that one type of love that would fill me and make me feel complete, still denying that my attraction was anything but just being lonely. In May of 1997 I was, once again, flirting with a dangerous relationship and I was incredibly overwhelmed by my feelings. I finally began to question the source and discovered a truly distressing reality - “I am a lesbian”. All of the shame and embarrassment and pain that I had suffered in my life seemed to culminate in that one thought and I almost became nonfunctional because of the magnitude of it's burden. I could not draw myself in the picture I had made in admitting my weakness. If I did I knew that I would condemn myself to a life of always looking for, but never finding the missing piece. I knew that it was a dead-end road, especially in relation to the promises that have been made to me through keeping my temple covenants. I have finally come to know that the love I was looking for is an eternal, motherly love, built upon the principles that Christ taught and lived. Emotional abandonment and abuse by my mother, and my father having died when I was young, left a big empty hole that should have been filled by their unconditional love. Recognizing this was helpful as to the why, but I still didn’t know what to do with the feelings of attraction. I knelt in prayer and poured out my heart to Heavenly Father. As I did so I was overcome with comfort and peace and an incredible outpouring of strength to go the next step. Approaching the Bishop and asking for help was, perhaps, the most frightening and single most guilt-ridden experience that I remember, but the strength and conviction was there and I knew that had to be the first step toward my healing. Also, through prayer, I finally knew what I desired most in life and where I was and where I wanted to be were worlds apart. Armed with a real and tangible goal and a desire to do whatever had to be done to heal, I made that first appointment with JDS Social Services which has been the greatest blessing and gift I have allowed myself. Through help and encouragement of an understanding and compassionate therapist, I have come to understand how my faulty belief system evolved and how that has impacted my life. I have learned that I have good to offer, not only to myself but also to others. I know that I am lovable, and my desires to be loved and give love in a healthy, heterosexual relationship are even stronger now than they were before I started my therapy. It is truly difficult to prioritize the modalities of healing as to what has helped me the most. It seems that a combination of the therapy, the therapist, my own “homework” and prayer are the components that have synchronized to benefit me most. However, I have got to say that without the borrowed strength from my Heavenly Father, I would not have been able to start this painful journey, nor continue to work toward healing. Without prayer I wouldn’t have had the strength to admit my attraction. Through prayer and the influence of the Holy Ghost I have come to absolutely KNOW that I am loved of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ; through prayer I have been able to sort out my damaged belief system and replace it with positive, uplifting truths about myself; through prayer I have come to know more about the atonement of Jesus Christ and how that specifically relates to me. He has suffered my pain and trauma. He knows of my shame and embarrassment because He suffered it too. All He asked me to do was to give it to Him and to trust Him enough to know that it need never be mine again. Through sincere prayer through Him to Heavenly Father I have come to know of the divinity within me - I am not a lesbian, I am truly a Child of God. I have worked hard to come to know these truths and believe in them - and my Savior made up for what I could not do. He truly effected my unbelief to a more sure knowledge in some things and greater faith in others. Return to the Testimonies page. |