Understanding Male Same-sex Attraction

by Jason Park

Click on a link below to jump directly to that section of this page.

Description
Attractions
Identity
Behavior
Homosexuality is symptomatic of other problems
Why is homosexuality a problem?
Gospel teachings regarding homosexuality
How many people experience same-sex attraction?
The truth about your same-sex attractions
 

This section defines homosexuality, including attractions, identity, and behavior. It then presents Latter-day Saint doctrines concerning homosexuality, including the distinction between homosexual thoughts and behavior, and the importance of overcoming both. Finally, it offers correct information about homosexual problems.

Homosexual problems include erotic thoughts, feelings, and behaviors directed toward the same gender. The psychological community uses the term homosexuality to refer to the entire complex that includes attractions, feelings, desires, sexual behavior, identity, and all its associated aspects, such as problems with masculinity, self-perception, emotional dependencies, and relationship issues.

These problems should not be confused with a healthy emotional and social interest in persons of the same gender. Homoemotional and homosocial interests are healthy as long as they are not excessive and do not develop an erotic dimension. When same-gender interests are eroticized, they become homosexual.

I use the term homosexual as an adjective to describe a person’s feelings, thoughts, or behavior, but not as a noun to describe the person. The terms gay (referring to men) and lesbian (referring to women) include not only personal feelings and behaviors, but also describe a political, cultural, and social identity.

Homosexuality may include sexual feelings or attractions without sexual behavior or it may include complete emotional and sexual involvement. It cannot be identified simply by the presence or absence of outward sexual behavior.

Click here to read a primer on how to talk about same-sex attraction.

Homosexual attractions develop over time and almost always without any conscious choice. At some point in your life, you realized that you are sexually attracted to other men.¹ These attractions can be a major source of frustration, because in spite of your best efforts to get rid of them, you continue to have compelling sexual thoughts toward other men. These inner attractions may be intense and may consume a great deal of your thoughts and energy. If the sexual attractions are not resolved, they can grow into obsessions that interfere with your ability to function at work and at home, and can be destructive spiritually. Homosexual attractions are usually more compelling than attractions toward the opposite sex because they spring from more than sexual desires—they are attempts to fill unmet emotional and social needs.

Many men report they first noticed these attractions before puberty—before they felt or understood sexual feelings. The feelings were not inherently sexual, but at some point became eroticized. The needs involved are normal social and emotional needs that everyone has, but have become confused and sexualized toward the same gender. The attractions are actually attempts to meet the emotional and identity needs that have not yet been met in your life. As a child, some part of your normal developmental process was stopped and interfered with your ability to develop a heterosexual orientation. Ironically, sexual intimacy will not fill the needs. They should not be ignored (the conservative mistake) nor eroticized (the liberal mistake), but should be filled through legitimate, nonsexual means. Here, then, is the irony. Homosexuality itself has little to do with sex; the needs are not homosexual, but homoemotional.

Identity

Many men with homosexual attractions report they felt "different" as boys but didn’t know why. For them, the pain of growing up with homosexual attractions was not so much the pain of being attracted to boys, but the feelings of being different. If this describes you, these feelings of being different may have become self-fulfilling prophecies as you separated yourself from the very boys you needed to bond with. You may have longed to feel you were on par with other boys, but this longing only widened the gulf between you and the rest of the guys. Feeling different may have created a mindset that influenced your self-perception and development. When other children sensed this hesitancy, they may have attacked it, confirming that you were different. Thus, you withdrew from other boys to defend yourself from the pain.

You knew your attractions were not right because of the "fag" jokes you heard, so you learned to keep the feelings to yourself, creating further problems of isolation and secrecy, which are powerful forces that keep homosexual problems from being resolved. When the rest of your male friends seemed normally attracted to females, you may have wondered why you were abnormally attracted to males. Knowing that these attractions were in conflict with your religious beliefs and society’s norms, you realized that your innermost feelings were wrong and since you didn’t choose to have these feelings, you may have wondered if there was something inherently wrong with you. This may have created an internal struggle as you desperately tried to understand the unnatural feelings and make sense of them in terms of your own internal values and religious beliefs.

Our identity is an accumulation of self-perceptions. Some people believe they were born with homosexual feelings which are part of their core identity. If you have accepted a homosexual identity, it has far-reaching implications and can profoundly influence how you think and act. Part of your challenge in resolving homosexual issues will be to correct any misperceptions about yourself.

Homosexual attractions can be strong if you entertain sexual fantasies. Because of the intensity of these sexual desires, you may have participated in sexual activities to fill the void you feel. However, this causes further confusion, leading you to believe that your needs are sexual rather than emotional. In a desperate attempt to satisfy these building tensions, you may have become involved in sexual activities that provide a temporary gratification of the sex drive, but leave you with deeper feelings of emptiness, loneliness and frustration. Rather than satisfying the real needs for acceptance and companionship, the sexual behavior only intensifies the needs. One of the greatest tragedies of homosexuality is the unawareness in most men that their needs are emotional. All they know is that they are sexually attracted to other men and they seek sexual contacts, which ironically do not fill their need for love from a friend.

Not all men find themselves involved in sexual behavior. Some men have participated in only limited behavior and others have remained chaste in spite of their intense attractions. If you have not become involved in homosexual behavior, congratulations! Your journey out of homosexuality will be much easier because of it.

Homosexuality is symptomatic of other problems

One of the reasons homosexual problems are difficult to address is that they are not the real problem. Focusing too much on homosexual problems can actually be misleading, since they are symptoms of deeper struggles, such as rejection, envy, abuse, self-perception, gender identity, distrust, or fear. However, it may be difficult to recognize this because you may be a master at hiding the real issues in your life. You may hide things from others and even from yourself. Many of these issues are common and others vary from person to person. Once you identify the causes of your painful hunger you can learn ways to feed the hunger in appropriate, nonsexual ways. Once you resolve the underlying problems, you will find that the homosexual problems resolve themselves.

Your sexual attraction toward other men distorts healthy, loving relationships and can steer you away from the blessings that can be found in marriage and family relationships. It diverts capable priesthood holders from the roles of husband and father. Homosexual behavior is of particular concern because it violates God’s commandments and blocks your eternal progress.

Gospel teachings regarding homosexuality

God created us as male or female (see Genesis 1:27). He wants men and women to join with each other under the covenant of marriage to procreate and fulfill their eternal destiny. In His eternal plan, there are no classifications of homosexuals, bisexuals, or heterosexuals. We are all on this earth having a human experience with various challenges to overcome so we can become the true men, women, priesthood holders, wives, husbands, mothers, and fathers that God wishes us to be.

A 1991 letter issued by the First Presidency to all members of the Church stated, "there is a distinction between [1] immoral thoughts and feelings and [2] participating in either immoral heterosexual or any homosexual behavior."¹ The feelings that trigger your homosexual attractions emerged through no fault of your own. Since you made no conscious choice for them, you should not feel guilty for having them. However, you can choose how to respond to the attractions and should not deliberately feed the feelings by fantasizing and turning them into lustful thoughts. The First Presidency letter continued, "However, such thoughts and feelings, regardless of their causes, can and should be overcome. . . ."² You are responsible for your agency in the thoughts you entertain. In an article in the Ensign magazine about same-gender attraction, Elder Dallin H. Oaks clarified that "although immoral thoughts are less serious than immoral behavior, such thoughts also need to be resisted and repented of because we know that ‘our thoughts will also condemn us’ (Alma 12:14). Immoral thoughts (and the less serious feelings that lead to them) can bring about behavior that is sinful."³

The scriptures are clear in condemning homosexual practices. We read in Romans, "For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet" (Romans 1:26–27; emphasis added).

President Gordon B. Hinckley stated, "Prophets of God have repeatedly taught through the ages that practices of homosexual relations, fornication, and adultery are grievous sins. Sexual relations outside the bonds of marriage are forbidden by the Lord."⁴ The First Presidency declared, "The Lord’s law of moral conduct is abstinence outside of lawful marriage and fidelity within marriage. Sexual relations are proper only between husband and wife appropriately expressed within the bonds of marriage. Any other sexual contact, including fornication, adultery, and homosexual and lesbian behavior, is sinful."⁵

The 1991 letter from the First Presidency further stated, "We commend and encourage those who are overcoming inappropriate thoughts and feelings. We plead with those involved in such behavior to forsake it. We love them and pray for them. We are confident that through repentance and obtaining needed help, they can experience the peace that comes from conforming their lives to God’s teachings."⁶ President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "Our hearts reach out to those who struggle with feelings of affinity for the same gender. We remember you before the Lord, we sympathize with you, we regard you as our brothers and our sisters. However, we cannot condone immoral practices on your part any more than we can condone immoral practices on the part of others."⁷

Elder Dallin H. Oaks said, "The struggles of those who are troubled by same-sex attraction are not unique. There are many kinds of temptations, sexual and otherwise. The duty to resist sin applies to all of them."⁸

"Church leaders are sometimes asked whether there is any place in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for persons with homosexual or lesbian susceptibilities or feelings. Of course there is. The degree of difficulty and the pattern necessary to forgo behavior and to control thoughts will be different with different individuals, but the message of hope and the hand of fellowship offered by the Church is the same for all who strive."⁹ Elder Oaks further explained that "all should understand that persons (and their family members) struggling with the burden of same-sex attraction are in special need of the love and encouragement that is a clear responsibility of Church members, who have signified by covenant their willingness ‘to bear one another’s burdens’ (Mosiah 18:8) ‘and so fulfil the law of Christ’ (Gal. 6:2)."¹⁰

How many people experience same-sex attraction?

Pro-gay advocates claim that 10% of the population has a homosexual orientation. More conservative estimates place the figure at 1–3%. However, estimates are problematic not only because it is hard to get accurate information, but also because it is difficult to define what homosexuality is. Do you include in the numbers everyone who has had a homosexual thought, or just those who have had a homosexual experience? How many experiences or thoughts qualify? Some people are reluctant to admit homosexual experiences, while others exaggerate the numbers. Further, since it is to the political advantage of those who seek to normalize homosexuality to establish the practice as widespread, you must be cautious about the studies that are reported.

Alfred C. Kinsey conducted research on human sexuality in the late 1940s and early 1950s and published his findings in Sexual Behavior in the Human Male¹¹ and Sexual Behavior in the Human Female.¹² Kinsey ranked his findings on a seven-point scale with exclusive heterosexuality at zero and exclusive homosexuality at six.¹³ Among twenty-five–year-old males in the United States, he claimed that 79% were at zero (exclusively heterosexual) and 2.9% were at six (exclusively homo-sexual).¹⁴ He claimed the following about white American males between the ages of sixteen and fifty-five:¹⁵

Ë 10% were "more or less exclusively homosexual (i.e., rate 5 or 6) for at least three years."

Ë 8% were "exclusively homosexual (i.e., rate 6) for at least three years."

Ë 4% were "exclusively homosexual throughout their lives, after the onset of adolescence."

His findings showed that 10% of the males had seven or more homosexual experiences. Further, he claimed that as many as 37% had some kind of homosexual experience after adolescence.

Kinsey’s research methodologies have been questioned. Although he used a large number of subjects—they took sex histories on more than 18,000 people and used data from 5,000 men and 6,000 women—he did not use methods of random sampling that scientists commonly use today. His subjects came from boarding houses, college fraternities, prisons, mental wards, and wherever else he could get them. As many as 20–25% had prison experience and 5% may have been male prostitutes. Since one would expect that this group would have higher than average homosexual experiences, the findings of Kinsey’s studies may not be representative of the population as a whole.¹⁶

There has been significant research since the 1950s to indicate that the occurrence of homosexuality in America and in other countries is much lower than the Kinsey statistics would indicate.¹⁷ Milton Diamond of the John A. Burns School of Medicine at the University of Hawaii analyzed studies of populations in the United States, Scandinavia, Asia, and Europe, and found that including all individuals who have ever engaged in any kind of same-sex behavior, the numbers would be "5–6 percent for males and 2–3 percent for females."¹⁸

A large study by the Alan Guttmacher Institute reported in 1993 that of sexually-active men aged 20–39, only 2.3% had any same-gender sexual activity and only 1.1% reported exclusive homosexual contact during the last ten years.¹⁹

Perhaps the largest and most scientifically-based modern survey was concluded in 1994 by academics at the University of Chicago’s National Opinion Research Center.²⁰ They asked 210 pages of questions of 3,432 Americans, ages eighteen to fifty-nine, and published their findings in The Social Organization of Sexuality.²¹ On the subject of homosexual-ity, this survey found the following:

Have you had sex with someone of your gender?

• 2.7% of men (and 1.3% of women) had sex in the past year
• 7.1% of men (and 3.8% of women) had sex since puberty

Are you sexually attracted to people of the same gender?

• 6.2% of men (and 4.4% of women) said yes

The survey also showed larger percentages in urban areas. The twelve largest cities in the United States showed more than 9% of men identifying themselves as homosexual, as opposed to only 1% in rural areas. Since homosexual people tend to migrate from the rural areas and suburbs to larger cities, these larger urban groups feed the percept-ion that a larger percentage of the total population is homosexual.

Different studies show different findings. Kinsey claimed that 4–10% of the male population was more or less exclusively homosexual for at least three years. Other research since that time shows the figure to be a more conservative 1–3%. However, if you consider everyone who has had homosexual contact since puberty, the numbers are more in the neighborhood of 5–10%.

Whatever the numbers, homosexual problems are significant and touch the lives of many people. If we use the conservative figure of 5%, of the ten million members of the Church there are 500,000 who have some degree of homosexual problems. And if you count their parents, spouses, brothers and sisters, it could add up to nearly three million members of the Church directly affected.²² Add to that grandparents, uncles, aunts, and concerned Church leaders, and you can see that many more people are affected.

You did not choose to have same-sex attraction. These attractions usually develop because social and emotional needs were not met in the developmental years.

You did not develop same-sex attraction because you are afraid of women. In reality, relationships with women generally have little to do with same-sex attraction; instead, they have to do with relationships with men.

	"Same-Gender Attraction," Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, Oct. 1995, pp. 7–14.
	Setting the Record Straight: What Research Really Says About the Social Consequences of Homosexuality, Larry Burtoft, Ph.D., Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, Colorado, 1995, pp. 24–26.
	Homosexuality in America: Exposing the Myths, American Family Association, Tupelo, MS, 1994.
	Kinsey, Sex and Fraud: The Indoctrination of a People by Judith A. Reisman and Edward W. Eichel, Huntington House, LaFayette, LA, 1990.

Endnotes:

1. “Standards of Morality and Fidelity,” letter from the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 14 Nov. 1991, numbering added.

2. “Standards of Morality and Fidelity,” letter from the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 14 Nov. 1991.

3. “Same-Gender Attraction,” Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, Oct. 1995, p. 8.

4. “Reverence and Morality,” Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, May 1987, p. 47.

5. “Standards of Morality and Fidelity,” letter from the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 14 Nov. 1991.

6. “Standards of Morality and Fidelity,” letter from the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 14 Nov. 1991.

7. “Stand Strong Against the Wiles of the World”, Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 1995, p. 99.

8. “Same-Gender Attraction,” Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, Oct. 1995, p. 13.

9. “Same-Gender Attraction,” Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, Oct. 1995, p. 13.

10. “Same-Gender Attraction,” Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, Oct. 1995, p. 14.

11. Alfred C. Kinsey, et. al., Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, W. B. Saunders Company, Philadelphia, 1948.

12. Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, 1953.

13. Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, Alfred C. Kinsey, et. al., W. B. Saunders Company, Philadelphia, 1948, p. 638.

14. Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, Alfred C. Kinsey, et. al., W. B. Saunders Company, Philadelphia, 1948, p. 651.

15. Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, Alfred C. Kinsey, et. al., W. B. Saunders Company, Philadelphia, 1948, p. 651

16. Homosexuality in America: Exposing the Myths, American Family Association, Tupelo, MS, 1994, pp. 9–10.

17. See Setting the Record Straight: What Research Really Says About the Social Consequences of Homosexuality, Larry Burtoft, Ph.D., Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, Colorado, 1995, p. 23.

18. See “Homosexuality and Bisexuality in Different Populations,” Milton Diamond, Archives of Sexual Behavior, 1993, vol. 22, no. 4, p. 303.

19. “The Sexual Behavior of Men in the United States,” John O. G. Billy et. al., Family Planning Perspectives, March/April 1993, vol. 25, no. 2, pp. 52–60.

20. See “Sex in America,” U.S. News & World Report, Oct. 17, 1994, pp. 74–81, and “Now for the Truth About Americans and Sex,” Time, 17 Oct. 1994, pp. 62–71.

21. The Social Organization of Sexuality, University of Chicago, Chicago, IL, 1994. A smaller companion volume is published as Sex in America: A Definitive Survey, Gina Kolata, Little, Brown and Company, Boston, MA, 1994.

22. Figures used in this estimate: 5% of 10 million members of the Church equals 500,000 who struggle with homosexual problems; 200,000 spouses (about 40% are or have been married according to NARTH survey results); 1,000,000 parents; 1,150,000 siblings (average 2.3 siblings per family in the Church according to a 1981 survey by the Church’s Correlation Research Division); giving a total of 2.85 million. The figures for the United States would be 5% of 270 million equals 13.5 million; 5.4 million spouses; 27 million parents; 14.85 million siblings (average 1.1 per family according to “Family Life: Holding Together Better Than Most,” The Economist, vol. 22, Feb. 97, pp. 28–29.); giving a total of 60.75 million in the USA.

Return to the Resources for Individuals page.

Return to the Resources for Family, Friends, and Church Leaders page.

Return to the Resources for Therapists page.

Return to the FAQ page.