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"In March of 1988 I lifted the little casket containing the body of my
first born son and carried it down a hill to his grave site. Little did
I know that his death would start a chain of events that would lead to
one of the lowest points in my life and that the trial of same-gender
attraction would humble me enough to save my soul.
I have suffered from deficits with men since I was very young. It had
always been easier for me to befriend girls and from a young age I felt
a strong desire to find my eternal companion, long before I had taken
care of normal male relationships. As a teenager I felt humiliated at
being picked last for teams in P.E. class, and hurt at seeing my
parents attend all of my brothers wrestling matches and football games
while I was left to walk alone to my Madrigals concerts knowing that
there would be no one there to support me. I remember often being with
some of my High School friends who were girls as they would look at the
boys and talk about what physical features they found attractive. It
was innocent at the time, but I began to notice too as I wanted to know
what the other guys had that I lacked. It was also in High School that
I turned to alcohol to escape the pain I was experiencing and filled my
need for friendship with drinking buddies. I was addicted to the
euphoria of being drunk and I couldn’t stand the pain of sobriety.
Hindsight is 20/20 and I can now see that my attractions were always
diminished when I had strong appropriate male relationships but at the
time I had no idea that having these friendships even mattered.
After my mission, I met a man in my singles ward and we quickly became
the best of friends and constantly spent time together to the exclusion
of all others. We would talk into all hours of the night, sometimes
until the sun rose the next morning. There was such unbelievable
satisfaction in being so accepted by and close to another man that I
couldn’t see the danger in our relationship. At some point we realized
that we both suffered from the same attractions and although we
immediately sought help from our bishop we lacked the true knowledge of
what the real problem was and how to solve it. We needed the resources
that Evergreen offers now and yet, at the time, Evergreen didn’t even
exist. After parting ways, I developed other appropriate male
friendships and in time I felt that Same-Gender Attraction was all in
my past and that I would seldom be bothered by it again. During this
time of confidence I met and fell in love with my wife and we were
sealed in the Temple for time and all eternity.
Our marriage was everything I had ever dreamed of and our future was
full of promise until the untimely death of our first born son. This
turn of events left me feeling very alone as my beautiful bride fell
into depression over the loss of our son. I was working at my first
career level job, in the middle of the toughest schooling of my life
and with the stress and loneliness I was experiencing, the SSA feelings
came rushing back in a huge torrent that I seemed unable to contain.
Although I could not see him or hear his voice, Satan’s insidious plan
to pull me into sin was well laid out as he convinced me that the
temptations he was pushing me into were from my own heart. I began to
believe that I truly desired to do what I knew was wrong as I medicated
myself with the evils of pornography and struggled with the temptation
to find something more. I was on a roller coaster ride with no brakes
and I needed to find help.
I sought the help of my beautiful bride by breaking the secrecy and
that was the beginning of my healing. I also went to see a free
Counselor at my University who offered me little hope of ever actually
overcoming my feelings & suggested I should pursue them. I played out
this scenario in my mind and found myself racked with the pain of the
thought of losing everything I held dear—my marriage, my church
membership and with the threat of AIDS, very possibly my life. I began
weeping uncontrollably after leaving her office at the awful
consequences of such a choice and I decided I would never seek
counseling again.
My Bishop was a different story. He knew little about this problem but
offered his help and began working with me immediately and consistently
to assist me in overcoming my sins. He was kind and loving and I found
help and healing there enough to get back on the right track. I went
through ups and downs over the next few years until another major life
crises finally brought me to my knees. I began praying fervently for
the most consistent period of my life and recorded my feelings in my
journal. I also feasted on the words of the scriptures in a way that I
never had before. This in and of itself was no small miracle, and as I
was promised in a blessing I found solace in the whispering of the
spirit. It was through these efforts that I finally came to know the
Savior like never before and I came to trust him completely and desire
his will above my own for the very first time. I finally understood his
grace and felt his unconditional love as he cleansed me of the years of
sin and pain I had suffered. With the Savior by my side I finally felt
whole. During this time of my life I sought the help of my current
Bishop and through him was lined up with a counselor with LDS Social
Services. After some good counseling I was also lead by the spirit to
discover Evergreen International and asked my counselor about it before
I attended any events or joined a men's group. Through these and many
other great experiences and friends I found the light and truth I so
desperately needed to change my life.
I feel much like Paul in that my life has been changed forever and I
can hardly comprehend the Saul I used to be. Through the grace of the
Savior I have experienced a mighty change of heart as miraculous as His
healing the leper or raising Lazarus from the dead. The world says that
Same Gender Attraction is a state of being -- an orientation -- a
condition for which change is not possible. I stand before you to
testify that change is possible, that Christ’s healing is real, and
that there is nothing in this life that we cannot overcome by shedding
the light of truth on it and making the Savior our partner. I believe
with all my heart the words of the Savior in Ether 12:27: “And if men
come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men
weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all
men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves
before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become
strong unto them.”
Post Script: I wrote this testimony in 1998 and still in 2005 feel the
joy of the experiences I had and the place that I found myself at that
time. Today I live a worthy and normal life. Yes, Satan still temps me
towards things that are not right, both in this and in other areas of
my life. He still says to me at a time when I am lonely or tired and I
am walking through a store: "...hey, I wonder what those whine coolers
taste like..." or "...what's that on the magazine rack?..." but he also
will tempt me to not pay a full tithe or to yell at my children. In
all of these areas of my life I can look at myself and say ... "oh, the
problem is not gone, I am still an angry Father or I am still an
alcoholic or I still struggle with same-gender attraction, but Satan's
temptations do not define who I am! It is God who defines me as a
Father who is trying, a priesthood holder who is working hard to do his
best and as a man who needs to connect with my fellow brethren who are
also striving to follow God in the right paths. I am a husband, a son
and a friend. Little by little I can get closer to following my
Savior's admonitions. Little by little I am more whole. As for today,
I do my best and tomorrow I hope to do the same.
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